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da2jm posted 8/11/2014 10:01 AM

It's been just a week. I really haven't been able to talk to anyone about it except my WS. The talking has been good. But I don't know if I am doing the right thing. Should I put some space between us for a while? He really is the only person I have right now to talk to.

So many words, so many metaphors, so many emotions. My world does not exist anymore, I am in alien territory, and I don't know the language.

Warmest, healing thoughts to all of you.

CW
Male, late forties, Three years.

Delilah169 posted 8/11/2014 10:06 AM

Welcome da2jm, to the place no one ever wants to be. Others will come after me with more experiene and advice, but I'll give you a bit of the basics.

Read the healing library up in the top left of the page. LOTS of great information in there. Read the BS FAQ's, again, good information, lots of answers

Keep posting here, We've all been in your shoes, know how you feel, and will help you as much as we can, and as much as you let us.

Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, stay hydrated, stay off the booze. Easier said than done, trust me, I KNOW this, but you cannot make any informed decisions when your health falls apart.

As I said, more will follow. Good luck, and keep posting ((( )))

StillGoing posted 8/11/2014 11:53 AM

Space is a good idea if you need it. If you are trying to R, then space is not a good idea imo; you can't reconnect and regain trust that way.

This is assuming he is remorseful and NC and owning his shit. If he is not any of those then space is a good idea - 180 to help focus on yourself to take care of what you need to take care of.

eta:

Sorry, think I got genders confused. It works whichever way it goes though so w/e.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 11:55 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 8/11/2014 14:00 PM

Welcome.
As Delilah has said the healing library is a good place to start.

I offer a few bits of advice to the newbies as I welcome them, and I tend to be pretty matter of fact in my presentation, and can come off harsh. That is not my intention, but there are a few things that are pretty cookbook about A's (affairs) and as a BS (betrayed Spouses)we need to step back and take emotion out of it, to help us make the best decision for ourselves that we can.

1. Get STD tested. It's icky, and upsetting, but it must be done. If your WS (Wayward Spouses)spouse says they used protection, chances are they didn't. Afterall at this point the one thing you can count on is that your WS is not trustworthy.
If you are struggling with the basics staying hydrated, eating and sleeping, then let your Dr know exactly what is going on, and discuss if something will help you to get through this either short term or long term. Many folks here have needed a little pharmaceutical support and there is nothing to be ashamed of in it. If you are malnourished, or sleep deprived it impairs your judgement and ability to make good decisions.

2. See a lawyer. Find out your rights, your WS's responsibilities, and how things would play out if you did D. Find out if it matters who files, all of it. Get the answers to the what if's. So then you have knowledge, and can again make decisions based on reality, and not suppositions or what if's.

3. Seriously sit down, and think about what your absolutes are if you are considering R. And if so what the consequences will be should your WS not want to go along with these. Many of us struggle initially even with WS's that are willing to attempt R, and part of that is because we as BS's are too afraid to create consequences for them. (Read the profiles of myself, and a few others that are veterans, you will see where our mistakes were, and where we made really smart moves that saved us).

4. Allow yourself time to grieve it's ok. Your M as you knew it is now dead, and as such you need to grieve. But also force yourself to take positive steps in healing yourself. Whatever that may be. IC (individual counseling), Working on self improvement to help rebuild your self esteem. Whatever. Be kind to yourself, and do one nice thing for YOU and you alone every single day. A walk, a bath, exercise, a pedicure, whatever just time to find center, and be calm.

5. Find at least one person in real life to share this with. Infidelity thrives in darkness and secrecy, and as such your WS has probably asked that you not tell anyone, or even forbid it. Too damn bad, they didn't think about you and destroying your world when they made their choices. Time to put your needs first.

6. Remember Nothing you did or did not do caused this. Your WS is broken, and needs to own that, and do the work to figure out what is broken, why it's broken, and do the work to heal it. (we call that owning and fixing your shit in these parts).

There are many here that will offer support, some may upset or offend. Take what you need and leave the rest. Read, post, and share.

(((and strength)))

TrampledRose posted 8/11/2014 17:27 PM

I'm in a similar boat and have no one but WH to talk to... As a military spouse who's moved all over the country I don't have any close friends, at least not that I trust enough to keep their mouth shut.

I don't have any good answers as I just found out a couple months ago myself, but know you aren't alone!

LumpyLola posted 8/11/2014 17:33 PM

It's really good that your WS is still hanging around - and willing to talk, no less!

My WS walked out the door the minute I told him I knew he was screwing around. That was weeks ago, and I haven't heard a word from him since. The unknowing, the confusion as to why he went and WHERE he went, is eating away at me. I would give my right eye to have him here to at least explain what's going on. The mystery of it all is excruciating.

I know you're in a bad sitch, but you have a couple of positives thrown in there that lots of us never had, so try to have some useful dialogue with him while you can.

SoLostStillNumb posted 8/11/2014 23:24 PM

(((da2jm)))

You need to talk to someone. I literally felt like a bus had hit me, reversed, hit me, reversed, hit me...etc. for the first 2-3 weeks. Talking to someone definitely helps. The first two appointments I made were to get STD testing and to see a therapist. I had never been to counseling or seen a therapist before, so I wasn't sure what a good/bad one was like, but just being able to let it out and tell someone (even if it's for an hour) helped.

Eating and drinking sucks, I know. You'll loose your appetite and not want to eat anything. I've lost 15 pounds since Dday and I'm still not eating 3 meals a day like normal. Try getting some protein shakes, light fruit, or having some quick fix meals like mac&cheese or soup. My WH began acting SUPER nice and taking care of me physically because I was in such a bad state. Though you shouldn't fall for the nice act that your WS might start, it did help when I needed him to run and get some juice or bread from the store cause I literally couldn't stand up without holding onto something.

As others have said, its ok to grieve. You'll be grieving for a while and it doesn't matter if you R or D. Something that helped me was writing in a journal. I started a few days after Dday to help me document stuff because everything became such a blur for me, but now it's my therapy. I enjoy being able to write my thoughts down. It definitely helps to process your thoughts and feelings even if you don't have much to say at first, just keep writing. It also gave me an excuse to buy myself a nice new pen and a notebook.

Lastly, keep posting and reading on SI. This place has truly been a god send for me. I don't post much, and I'm pretty new compared to the veterans on here, but as you begin to read others' stories and updates, you really begin to feel like you aren't alone in this. Because you aren't. We're all here for you.

SLSN

da2jm posted 8/12/2014 13:02 PM

OMG, what an amazing site. 24 hours after my first post, and so many kind words, encouragement, good advice...sincere thanks to all of you who took time to respond to my post.

I did see my WS last night. It went very well. I was able to talk to him without breaking down (much), I got answers and details about the incidents (yes, plural, and yes, I went to be tested for STIs immediately after D-day), so I have a better sense of what I am dealing with.

I told him I am not ready to make a decision just yet about whether I am looking for reconciliation (we are not married), and he understands. I am starting to feel something other than bleakness.

tushnurse posted 8/12/2014 14:16 PM

Da2jm It's perfectly acceptable to decide not to decide one way or the other for a while.
In fact there members here that often advise against making any major decisions for 6 months.

I do think it's good for you to get some space, especially since you aren't sure, and show him you are fine standing on your own two feet.
Go do something nice for yourself today.

And Yes....SI is an amazing place full of wonderful people.

(((and strength)))

StillStanding1 posted 8/12/2014 14:57 PM

You've gotten lots of good advice here already... So I will just chime in to say "welcome" and "hang on"! It's a crazy emotional rollercoaster. Keep posting through your ups and downs. There will be plenty. Be kind to yourself. Keep reading here... I've found useful bits in everyone's individual story and responses at many different points in this journey. You will be okay. Stay strong.

MadOldBat posted 8/12/2014 16:35 PM

All as above.
So sorry you found us, but it may be the best place you never wanted to be.
Read other's experiences, hopes, fears & advice, you will see your situations reflected in myriad posts.
Betrayal is so hard to survive, but we are all survivors here - whether in shock, limbo, R or S.
Your strength and sense brought you here, and led you to reach out for support.

crazynot posted 8/12/2014 16:46 PM

Sorry, but I think space is the best thing you could give yourself right now. You have just been dealt a horrible blow. IF you decide to reconcile, it should be on your terms. YOU don't need to be the one to think about what the best conditions for that are. You do what's best for you, let her do the chasing if she wants to reconcile...

I know this because it's the exact opposite of what I did. I only had peace of mind when he left me.

x

crazynot posted 8/12/2014 16:46 PM

Sorry, but I think space is the best thing you could give yourself right now. You have just been dealt a horrible blow. IF you decide to reconcile, it should be on your terms. YOU don't need to be the one to think about what the best conditions for that are. You do what's best for you, let her do the chasing if she wants to reconcile...

I know this because it's the exact opposite of what I did. I only had peace of mind when he left me.

x

crazynot posted 8/12/2014 16:47 PM

and sorry, I got the gender wrong too. But what I said still applies.

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