SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

defiant and rebellious

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

tangledknot posted 8/11/2014 11:08 AM

I have been doing some further digging to understand why I made the decisions that I made and also to understand some of my ambivalence toward my BH.

I feel defiant. I don't like being told what to do, and I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do, and I didn't really develop my own identity. I am a very compliant, non-confrontational person, but I really resent being told how I should think or feel. I am getting so much pressure to do what's right. I know what I should do, but I want to own my decisions. I think some of this is the source of my anger.

Anyway, I'm still digging and working on this. My poor BH is in a living hell right now. I know that I put him there and I want to help him out, even if it means our marriage doesn't survive. I really do want him to be strong.

DrJekyll posted 8/11/2014 11:13 AM

That is great progress. Now.....WHY do you feel that way? Where did it start?

somethingremorse posted 8/11/2014 12:19 PM

I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do

One of the first things my IC told me was that I need to learn that my wants and desires are legitimate and that I should make them known. I spent a lot of time thinking that speaking up would cause conflict, and I would do anything to avoid conflict.

You have to be mindful of your feelings. maybe you are right, maybe not. But if you swallow them, then you will try to find other outlets.

Hang in there

JustWant2BHappy posted 8/11/2014 13:27 PM

I am in this same situation so I'm treading lightly on what I will and will not do to help BS heal from my A. My H had a lot of control issues prior to my A that I would tolerate due to my lack of assertiveness.
My IC told me to work on how I'm feeling. This helped:
I feel _____________ because/when ___________. I would really like for you to __________.

I use it with my kids more than my BH but it does help me identify how I am feeling. So for example I'll say to my son.

I feel really proud when you are able to get dressed and ready for school by yourself. I'd really like for you to continue such wonderful behavior.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 13:54 PM

I don't like being told what to do

What age did this start for you and does your H tell you what to do or does he often just implement change without your input?

tangledknot posted 8/11/2014 14:07 PM

I am sure this started at a young age. My parents are both overbearing and they still like to tell me what to do, and I still go about trying to please them. :(

My husband doesn't so much tell me what to do. He just makes unilateral decisions without considering my input. He has shown over and over that my thoughts and feelings and wants were not welcome. Every major decision has been his way, and that pisses me off. He is extremely protective, and I think he views me as his property, like he needs to take care of me and provide for me in a way that I belong to him, rather than as his equal partner. He is patronizing and condescending.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 14:11 PM

My parents are both overbearing and they still like to tell me what to do, and I still go about trying to please them. :(
My husband doesn't so much tell me what to do. He just makes unilateral decisions without considering my input. He has shown over and over that my thoughts and feelings and wants were not welcome. Every major decision has been his way, and that pisses me off. He is extremely protective, and I think he views me as his property, like he needs to take care of me and provide for me in a way that I belong to him,

Do you see the similarities in your two statements there?

Wayflost posted 8/11/2014 17:32 PM

I feel defiant. I don't like being told what to do, and I think part of my affair was an act of rebellion. Looking back, I didn't own my life or my decisions. I did what others thought I should do, and I didn't really develop my own identity. I am a very compliant, non-confrontational person, but I really resent being told how I should think or feel. I am getting so much pressure to do what's right. I know what I should do, but I want to own my decisions. I think some of this is the source of my anger.

I could have written this exact post over the weekend. My As were a way for me to act out. They were a way for me to try on a "different" person (me being the different person I was trying).

What are your plans for bringing the two halves together? How will you start to speak out for yourself?

tangledknot posted 8/11/2014 19:59 PM

Tired girl,

I definitely see the similarities in the way I relate to my husband and parents. I see where I let others make choices for me rather than owning my own decisions. One of my issues is that I rarely have a clear idea of what I want.

Wayflost,

Those are both good questions. It's hard because I have a duty to my BH, and if I want to help him heal, I have to put his needs ahead of my own. Sadly, that is part of what got me into this mess. I am really trying to be honest with my BH without being cruel. I am also being proactive about my self care. For example, I went on a jog this evening while BH made dinner for our daughter.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy