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One Night Stands...can anyone relate?

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Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 11:19 AM

I am wondering if there are many out there in SI land whose infidelity story was a ONS?

My WH, while drinking at a conference, was approached very aggressively by a woman (whose name he can't even remember). He did not stop her advances and intercourse did start which was stopped by my husband. He came home to me 3 days later, very remorseful and confessed. He swears that this has never happened before and will never happen again.

I am now 20 months out from that horrible incident and although things are better between us, I sometimes feel like my fairy tale of a marriage will forever be defined by this stupid and idiotic lapse of judgement and lack of boundaries (which we have addressed in counselling) on my husbands behalf.

Shouldn't I feel better that there was no EA? Shouldn't I feel better that he confessed? Shouldn't I feel better that he was not the pursuer? I really beat myself up over the fact that this was 'just a ONS' and not your typical one at that.

I would really like to hear from those affected by a ONS, either the BS or the WH. Not even sure what I want to hear. All I know is that some days, I feel so stuck in putting this behind us. Do any of you feel this way? Did it take a long time to finally R?

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 11:44 AM

Why do you feel that you that you should be over this by now? I am a FWW that had a ONS and there was no EA. We are 4.5 years out and it can still affect my H. There are no should and should nots in this thing called infidelity. Big hugs, allow yourself to feel what is happening.

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 12:29 PM

Dear Tired Girl,

I don't know why I feel like I should be over this by now. I guess it's because on the spectrum of infidelity, this seems less extreme, yet it still really hurts.

How do you and your husband deal with conversations where your friends refer to cheating and the gossip that seems to surround it? It stings EVERY time. Do you ever look at other couples and wonder if it's happened to them? Sometimes...that thought consumes me...

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 12:36 PM

Any form of infidelity hurts. Your pain is your pain, don't invalidate yourself by saying it is less extreme than this one over here.

A lot of our friends got dumped after what I did. As we started to get more healthy, we realized how toxic many of them were.

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 12:59 PM

Our friends don't know about this so they talk assuming no one in our group of friends has encountered an infidelity. Maybe they haven't. I will admit to being a black and white thinker and talker prior to this. I am and will continue to be a more conscientious conversationalist because of what we have experienced.

I am happy that you are reconciled. I guess I am not quite there yet.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 13:08 PM

We are 4.5 years out. Give yourself time. be patient.

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 13:15 PM

Sigh...patience...it is called a virtue for a reason.

Thank you for your support.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 13:32 PM

Your welcome

Deanna posted 8/11/2014 14:01 PM

My husband did not have a one night stand but I would like to comment. Infidelity is infidelity. My husband had a two month EA and they kissed. Every person is different and every story is different. Some might say I am lucky because he didn't have sex with OW. I don't feel lucky.
What I do feel fortunate about is that my husband was truly remorseful. You should feel fortunate that your husband confessed to you. He didn't have to do that.
As far as your marriage being tainted - it is. Our marriages will never be the same however we can learn from this and make a better, more authentic union.

JanaGreen posted 8/11/2014 14:05 PM

My story here started with a drunk ONS in 2010, which was confessed to me (two weeks later ).

It really doesn't matter that it could have been worse. What it was was bad enough. Beating yourself up just doesn't help. You have to allow yourself to feel your feelings.

((reallyscared))

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 14:46 PM

Deanna...that's what's so hard. Knowing that it is tainted is really hard for me to accept. Did you struggle with accepting that? We all married with the vow to forsake all others.

Jana...some days I am really sad still. I sort of wish everyone knew because the secret of it is huge to me...do your friends know?

JanaGreen posted 8/11/2014 14:52 PM

Some do, most don't. The one friend who I really thought would relate and not judge my husband (she had been an OW herself previously), who I told right away, was both judgmental toward him and dismissive toward me when I wanted to talk about it. So I limited who I told after that - I generally came to SI with my feelings because the people here get it.

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 15:16 PM

Yeah I know. I wish we all lived in the same nonjudgemental community in person. We'd all be so understanding of one another!

And none of our conversations would end up with talking about the neighbourly gossip. They would be such kind conversations...

Hugs...

FoggedIn posted 8/11/2014 16:51 PM

All of the responses are correct. Every act of infidelity is painful & damaging. Whether it's a ONS, LTA, EA, PA (that's a lot of acronyms ). It's really the aftermath & how's it's dealt with by the betrayer that is the game changer in my opinion. However it doesn't make it any less painful.

My WH too had a ONS (likely several, I still don't have full disclosure), but he chose to pay money for his encounter(s) & they were very deliberate & pre-meditated if you will. But does it make it easier knowing he had no interest in an emotional attachment with these women? Nope. And it doesn't make it easier to overcome because there wasn't an EA involved either.

Take the time you need to process, heal & recover. Expect your WH to carry his weight in that process as well.

(((((reallyScared)))))))

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 17:00 PM

reallyscared I can tell you that most of my close female friends are from here on the site now. They know and get what is going on in my life without a huge explanation from me. It is just easier in so many ways.

heartbrokeninaz posted 8/11/2014 20:40 PM

Yep 10 days from start to finish. He called her for a massage for my BDay (how thoughtful). We were in a different state, he had to go home to drive one of our vehicles back and met up with her that next night. Boinked her in our hot tub (at least it wasn't my bed). I found out the next day because I had a horrible feeling. It doesn't make it any less easy. It doesn't make it any less hurtful. There are things I don't think I could take like him telling her he loved her. That would probably be killer for me, but for sure not any easier to "get over".

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 22:10 PM

Tired girl...that's really great that you have that comradery. It's truly not something you understand unless you live through it. I never thought I'd forgive something like this, yet here I am. Our relationship is good and he is being really remorseful. I just want healing, recovery, forgiveness, reconciliation, happiness and I want it all yesterday! Not how it works, unfortunately.

Fogged in...thanks. Time is a cruel but necessary evil. I am trying to be good to myself in this aftermath but I have a new friend called anxiety which lives right in the pit of my stomach. And it's often hard to do things to be good to yourself when you are not feeling the best. My husband is doing what he is capable of and says he just wants to forget that that horrible night ever happened. Would be nice. But we chatted this past week and I told him I can't do that. He needs to read on how to handle this as well because I don't know really what I'm doing here and neither does he. He has agreed to the same and we ordered some of the recommended books. He says 'Whatever it takes.' I am grateful I don't have to beg for him to put this work in. I just wish he'd come up with some of these things himself.

It's not all bad with us, don't get me wrong. But I wish for a day when this terrible thing can be fleeting thought...and not hijack me as it does sometimes...

Thanks...

Reallyscared posted 8/11/2014 22:21 PM

Heartbroken...I am really sorry to hear this. I don't have any words of encouragement here because I don't even know what I'd do here...

Are you ok???

Hugs...

heartbrokeninaz posted 8/12/2014 12:35 PM

We are fine. Just making the point that it doesn't matter what kind of infidelity it is, it all stinks. None are any less easy then another. I am a little more bitter now lol. It will get better. Just think of how far you have come since D-Day. Time, time, time. I'm like you though, if it could be done and over today that would be great!

PrtyInPink posted 8/12/2014 15:00 PM

Do you ever look at other couples and wonder if it's happened to them

I will not directly address your main topic, but I can address this question. YES. I have found myself quite often in a very public place thinking to myself "how many people here have been cheated on?" and "how many people here are cheating on their spouse right now". I also look at couples who have been married for a while (more than 10 years) and wonder if they've ever been through the same thing.

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