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One Night Stands...can anyone relate?

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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

I am wondering if there are many out there in SI land whose infidelity story was a ONS?

My WH, while drinking at a conference, was approached very aggressively by a woman (whose name he can't even remember). He did not stop her advances and intercourse did start which was stopped by my husband. He came home to me 3 days later, very remorseful and confessed. He swears that this has never happened before and will never happen again.

I am now 20 months out from that horrible incident and although things are better between us, I sometimes feel like my fairy tale of a marriage will forever be defined by this stupid and idiotic lapse of judgement and lack of boundaries (which we have addressed in counselling) on my husbands behalf.

Shouldn't I feel better that there was no EA? Shouldn't I feel better that he confessed? Shouldn't I feel better that he was not the pursuer? I really beat myself up over the fact that this was 'just a ONS' and not your typical one at that.

I would really like to hear from those affected by a ONS, either the BS or the WH. Not even sure what I want to hear. All I know is that some days, I feel so stuck in putting this behind us. Do any of you feel this way? Did it take a long time to finally R?

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905642
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 5:44 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Why do you feel that you that you should be over this by now? I am a FWW that had a ONS and there was no EA. We are 4.5 years out and it can still affect my H. There are no should and should nots in this thing called infidelity. Big hugs, allow yourself to feel what is happening.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6905682
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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 6:29 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Dear Tired Girl,

I don't know why I feel like I should be over this by now. I guess it's because on the spectrum of infidelity, this seems less extreme, yet it still really hurts.

How do you and your husband deal with conversations where your friends refer to cheating and the gossip that seems to surround it? It stings EVERY time. Do you ever look at other couples and wonder if it's happened to them? Sometimes...that thought consumes me...

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905765
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Any form of infidelity hurts. Your pain is your pain, don't invalidate yourself by saying it is less extreme than this one over here.

A lot of our friends got dumped after what I did. As we started to get more healthy, we realized how toxic many of them were.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6905778
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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 6:59 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Our friends don't know about this so they talk assuming no one in our group of friends has encountered an infidelity. Maybe they haven't. I will admit to being a black and white thinker and talker prior to this. I am and will continue to be a more conscientious conversationalist because of what we have experienced.

I am happy that you are reconciled. I guess I am not quite there yet.

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905806
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 7:08 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

We are 4.5 years out. Give yourself time. be patient.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6905815
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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 7:15 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Sigh...patience...it is called a virtue for a reason.

Thank you for your support.

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905828
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Your welcome

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6905844
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Deanna ( member #26854) posted at 8:01 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My husband did not have a one night stand but I would like to comment. Infidelity is infidelity. My husband had a two month EA and they kissed. Every person is different and every story is different. Some might say I am lucky because he didn't have sex with OW. I don't feel lucky.

What I do feel fortunate about is that my husband was truly remorseful. You should feel fortunate that your husband confessed to you. He didn't have to do that.

As far as your marriage being tainted - it is. Our marriages will never be the same however we can learn from this and make a better, more authentic union.

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

posts: 1673   ·   registered: Dec. 19th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 6905871
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 8:05 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

My story here started with a drunk ONS in 2010, which was confessed to me (two weeks later ).

It really doesn't matter that it could have been worse. What it was was bad enough. Beating yourself up just doesn't help. You have to allow yourself to feel your feelings.

((reallyscared))

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 6905877
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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Deanna...that's what's so hard. Knowing that it is tainted is really hard for me to accept. Did you struggle with accepting that? We all married with the vow to forsake all others.

Jana...some days I am really sad still. I sort of wish everyone knew because the secret of it is huge to me...do your friends know?

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905935
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JanaGreen ( member #29341) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Some do, most don't. The one friend who I really thought would relate and not judge my husband (she had been an OW herself previously), who I told right away, was both judgmental toward him and dismissive toward me when I wanted to talk about it. So I limited who I told after that - I generally came to SI with my feelings because the people here get it.

posts: 9505   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Southeast US
id 6905942
wink1

 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 9:16 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

Yeah I know. I wish we all lived in the same nonjudgemental community in person. We'd all be so understanding of one another!

And none of our conversations would end up with talking about the neighbourly gossip. They would be such kind conversations...

Hugs...

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6905974
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FoggedIn ( member #40329) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

All of the responses are correct. Every act of infidelity is painful & damaging. Whether it's a ONS, LTA, EA, PA (that's a lot of acronyms ). It's really the aftermath & how's it's dealt with by the betrayer that is the game changer in my opinion. However it doesn't make it any less painful.

My WH too had a ONS (likely several, I still don't have full disclosure), but he chose to pay money for his encounter(s) & they were very deliberate & pre-meditated if you will. But does it make it easier knowing he had no interest in an emotional attachment with these women? Nope. And it doesn't make it easier to overcome because there wasn't an EA involved either.

Take the time you need to process, heal & recover. Expect your WH to carry his weight in that process as well.

(((((reallyScared)))))))

BW (40)
WH (55)
Blended family, 6 kids, 1 dil & i gd
Dday 1 8/10/13 PA ONS CL whore
DDay 2 8/15/15 -TT 3 Other PA w/escorts from 2004-2013? Not sure on dates. Status - No Clue!! Calling D attorney for advice

posts: 265   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2013   ·   location: Southwest US
id 6906101
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tired girl ( member #28053) posted at 11:00 PM on Monday, August 11th, 2014

reallyscared I can tell you that most of my close female friends are from here on the site now. They know and get what is going on in my life without a huge explanation from me. It is just easier in so many ways.

Me 47 Him 47 Hardlessons
DS 27,25,23
D Day's becoming less important as time moves on.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Eleanor Roosevelt
My bad for trying to locate remorse on your morality map. OITNB

posts: 7444   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2010   ·   location: Inside my head
id 6906110
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heartbrokeninaz ( member #40779) posted at 2:40 AM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

Yep 10 days from start to finish. He called her for a massage for my BDay (how thoughtful). We were in a different state, he had to go home to drive one of our vehicles back and met up with her that next night. Boinked her in our hot tub (at least it wasn't my bed). I found out the next day because I had a horrible feeling. It doesn't make it any less easy. It doesn't make it any less hurtful. There are things I don't think I could take like him telling her he loved her. That would probably be killer for me, but for sure not any easier to "get over".

BW 51(me)WH 51DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 6906317
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 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 4:10 AM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

Tired girl...that's really great that you have that comradery. It's truly not something you understand unless you live through it. I never thought I'd forgive something like this, yet here I am. Our relationship is good and he is being really remorseful. I just want healing, recovery, forgiveness, reconciliation, happiness and I want it all yesterday! Not how it works, unfortunately.

Fogged in...thanks. Time is a cruel but necessary evil. I am trying to be good to myself in this aftermath but I have a new friend called anxiety which lives right in the pit of my stomach. And it's often hard to do things to be good to yourself when you are not feeling the best. My husband is doing what he is capable of and says he just wants to forget that that horrible night ever happened. Would be nice. But we chatted this past week and I told him I can't do that. He needs to read on how to handle this as well because I don't know really what I'm doing here and neither does he. He has agreed to the same and we ordered some of the recommended books. He says 'Whatever it takes.' I am grateful I don't have to beg for him to put this work in. I just wish he'd come up with some of these things himself.

It's not all bad with us, don't get me wrong. But I wish for a day when this terrible thing can be fleeting thought...and not hijack me as it does sometimes...

Thanks...

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6906420
sad1

 Reallyscared (original poster member #43653) posted at 4:21 AM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

Heartbroken...I am really sorry to hear this. I don't have any words of encouragement here because I don't even know what I'd do here...

Are you ok???

Hugs...

Me: 40
Him: 40, ONS
DD: Nov, 2012
Married 17 years, together 20.
Reconciling
"Sometimes we are taken into troubled waters, not to drown, but to be cleansed"

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jun. 7th, 2014
id 6906432
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heartbrokeninaz ( member #40779) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

We are fine. Just making the point that it doesn't matter what kind of infidelity it is, it all stinks. None are any less easy then another. I am a little more bitter now lol. It will get better. Just think of how far you have come since D-Day. Time, time, time. I'm like you though, if it could be done and over today that would be great!

BW 51(me)WH 51DDay 1 07/31/13 ONS with whorenado DDay 2 05/09/14 texts to another woman (not returned)Dday 3 06 15/18 texting to meetup with a mutual friend not reciprocated. I live a real life fairy tale.

posts: 376   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2013   ·   location: Phoenix
id 6907070
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PrtyInPink ( member #44148) posted at 9:00 PM on Tuesday, August 12th, 2014

Do you ever look at other couples and wonder if it's happened to them

I will not directly address your main topic, but I can address this question. YES. I have found myself quite often in a very public place thinking to myself "how many people here have been cheated on?" and "how many people here are cheating on their spouse right now". I also look at couples who have been married for a while (more than 10 years) and wonder if they've ever been through the same thing.

Me: 30ish Him: 30ish
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs
His #1 EA D-day 10/20/09
His #2 PA/EA D-day 7/11/14
My EA D-day 10/21/09
Reconciling...slowly but surely.

posts: 325   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2014
id 6907268
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