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son - pregnant girlfriend update

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rachelc posted 8/11/2014 12:14 PM

well, she had her baby - Bella Noelle - healthy and DS was in the room when she delivered by C-section, which was good for everyone involved! Baby is not my son's child. He's been dating this gal for about 4-5 months though.

We offered congrats, sent gifts, I bought an entire garage of baby stuff on Craigslist where they live and they picked it up, and oohh and aww over pictures and ask him about her every day.

We don't consider ourselves grandparents until there is something permanent in place. now, they have decided to live together and he wants to buy a new car, which he can't afford. I sent him a "you can't afford a new car and get your butt back in school" text - he asked for advice! :/ - and he has school money on the table from the GI bill.

My sister is talking about me all over creation that we're not doing enough for them. When in fact, I think we've done just fine. We also plan on flying out there next month. Because sister lives 5 hours away she is worming her way in to his life and I'm concerned will speak poorly of us, although I think DS can see through this.

We are still very worried about son though. I'm sure he's head over heels. I have no idea what the bio father's engagement in the baby's life is, I don't know DS's long term plan (he doesn't really plan and is very impulsive) or if we should even ask about things like this. It worries hubby sick.
There is nothing we can do. We won't give him any money so this may be a very hard lesson for him.

JanaGreen posted 8/11/2014 13:46 PM

It sounds to me like you are appropriately and generously involved.

How old is your son?

rachelc posted 8/11/2014 14:15 PM


Whalers11 posted 8/11/2014 14:50 PM

I agree with Jana. Given the circumstances, I think you have done plenty.

Your son is old enough to have a basic understanding of what he was getting into and what it may mean financially. He needs to figure that stuff out.

[This message edited by Whalers11 at 2:51 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

JanaGreen posted 8/11/2014 14:53 PM

Oh lord, at 26 I had been married for three years and in the job I'm currently in now. I think your sister is stirring the pot.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 15:07 PM

You have done so much as is, rachelc. My parents babied their baby (my sister) as she had her daughter at 26 and "dad" was not part of the show. I can only say from watching them to hold back in terms of monetary support - give love and kindness and patience certainly want to be careful beyond that. My sister is 45 years old, in serious debt and thinks throwing money she doesn't have at her daughter is the answer. And it never is.

Tell your sis to back off! (nicely of course)

ps; baby has one beautiful name

[This message edited by LA44 at 3:08 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

Holly-Isis posted 8/11/2014 16:14 PM

You've done more than any of my kids' bio grandparents did for them.

So I guess I'm biased but I think anything more is enabling the relationship going too far too fast.

GabyBaby posted 8/11/2014 16:17 PM

I guess I'm biased but I think anything more is enabling the relationship going too far too fast.

Then we share that bias, because I think the same thing.
Your son is an adult. He has to make his own way and his own mistakes. Giving him money and doing things for him will only hurt him in the long run because he wont't learn to do for himself (and his family).

Your sister needs to back off. Yesterday.

annb posted 8/11/2014 16:32 PM

rachel, I think you have been extremely generous to someone you don't even know.

I'm in a bit of a (semi) similar situation, our 27-year old son now has a gf who has a 5-year old child. The bio father is not engaged at all, worried that my son has KISA tendencies and not thinking further than today. Son has a great education and a good job, but we are both worried sick that he is jumping into this relationship with his eyes shut.

As others have said, at this age there is really nothing you can do but be supportive and advise him (gently ).

BTW, your sister needs to back off. It is none of her business.

tired girl posted 8/12/2014 10:28 AM

You have done about the same amount that we have done with our son in the same exact situation.

We are hoping that our son gets out of the situation soon. We love the baby, mom not so much. They also live together now and my son has taken on a lot of the expenses of the baby. And he is totally enamored with the baby.

rachelc posted 8/12/2014 14:44 PM

this is what we're fearful of, TG.
The gal lives with her parents and they are getting evicted for smoking too much weed in the rental house. They're going to live in their camper.
She and the baby are going to live with son.
Lord have Mercy!
DD's are the ones who say to him, "WTF??"

hill posted 8/12/2014 14:49 PM

Rachelc, I'm glad to hear baby is healthy I think you're doing the right thing.

I do want to mention that not all single moms out there are looking for a meal ticket and a new daddy for their kid(s). Single moms are people too!

rachelc posted 8/12/2014 15:05 PM

hill - I understand. I've spoken with the girl on the phone and like her. If he had finished his education and had a good job I woulnd't have such a big problem with this. Families come in many different ways.

GabyBaby posted 8/12/2014 15:36 PM

I'll share a cautionary tale...

My younger brother started dating a pregnant woman when he was in his mid-20s. She had the baby, they ended up getting married when she got pregnant with HIS child a year or two later.
Fast forward a bit...2 of his bio-kids later, the wife hadn't given up her party girl life.
They had major issues, she lied and said he hit her, etc to get him out of the house.
They eventually divorced, but despite having raised the first child as his own, my brother has no legal rights to him.
The ex-wife tells the boy that my brother doesn't want him, so when the two bio-kids to go see brother on his custody time, the eldest child (about 10 years old now) doesn't go show up...and there's nothing brother can do about it.

It still breaks my brother's heart, but he hopes when the boy is older that he'll opt to see him on his own, without the party girl's influence.

rachelc posted 8/12/2014 16:19 PM

that's what I'm worried about too. Not sure if she's a party girl but I'd rather him go bankrupt than get her pregnant. Not now!

deena04 posted 8/12/2014 17:03 PM

Thinking of you all. No great advice here, but that baby has a gorgeous name. Maybe they will figure out quickly how involved he is and if he is "dad". If that happens, enjoy your granddaughter. :)

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