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LA44 posted 8/11/2014 12:33 PM

I have a friend staying with me and she is leaving tomorrow. We have been friends for 30 years and I know in some ways she really looks up to me.

Her childhood was terrible. Sexual abuse, emotional abuse. She did recently find her birth mother/family. Her and her husband parted long ago - he had an A and then she got even (with a married man).

She does not know of my h's A. My H was trying to pull out of her is she is seeing someone. She said that it wasn't family dinner convo.

She has been very quiet about a partner for the last few years. I feel compelled to ask her tonight if she wants to talk - who this person is - and if he is married. I dread she is going to say yes. If she does, I am going to have to share our story.

Thoughts from you peeps would be appreciate.

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 12:39 PM

I guess here is what I would consider:

Do you feel that she would be open to really hearing your story if that is the case? Would it make a difference to her in the long run?

SisterMilkshake posted 8/11/2014 12:48 PM

If you don't want to share your story, don't. However, that doesn't have to keep you from reading her the riot act. Buy the book "Not Just Friends" for her to get an idea of what she is doing, plus, there is the section of the book for the AP.

I had a best friend who was married and having an affair with a MOM. At the time, my FWH was having an affair, too. Just didn't know it yet. That didn't keep me from telling my friend how much I disapproved of the affair and it wound up ending our friendship. Fine with me. I don't need friends with crappy boundaries. If they have no compunction betraying a spouse, why would a "friend" be higher up then a spouse? I'm not just talking about an infidelity type of betrayal, just any kind of betrayal. I wouldn't trust a friend who is capable of having an affair.


LA44 posted 8/11/2014 13:09 PM

Tiredgirl, I think she would be open to hearing my story and how devastated I was learn that there was an AP in my life. Idk if it would make a diff - I would like to think, yes. I am guessing if she was proud of herself right now she would tell us about this guy. So maybe a story about a dear friend would provide an "aha" moment. Or just something to really think about.

You are right SMS, I don't even have to tell her in order to let her know where I stand. But I may.

needfriendshere posted 8/11/2014 13:16 PM

LA44, I support your decision to have an honest talk with your friend - about her situation. But I feel you should only share what you have been and are going through if you feel she would benefit from her hearing it. You will know. Trust your instincts. That's my best advice!

Praying for you!! (((LA44)))

sisoon posted 8/11/2014 13:44 PM

Why not first ask her if she's willing to talk about her love life, without making any assumptions.

Then you say what you think is appropriate. For example, you could choose to say something like, 'I'm afraid you're helping someone cheat, and I want to share how devastating that is.' (Use your own thoughts and words, of course.)

JMO, of course. Come to think of it, I'm not a great conversationalist....

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 14:32 PM

Yes by all means Sisoon! I guess I am jumping the gun and trying to get feedback just in case....
I was going to ask her if she wanted to talk about this aspect of her life. If she says no, I will leave it at that. If she opens up then I was going to proceed as you wrote below.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 14:33 PM

Come to think of it, I'm not a great conversationalist

You sure don't come across that way on SI, sisoon!

karmahappens posted 8/11/2014 20:08 PM

I agree with Sisoon.

Be honest wrt your feelings and share what you are comfortable with.

(((hugs))) she may need some support. Maybe she is lost, maybe not. You are a good friend to help her.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 20:22 PM

I came downstairs after putting the boys to bed and she was already in the basement where she is sleeping....she leaves early tomorrow. I guess I can always send her a note - ie:

Hey friend,
I just wanted to reach out and let you know that I am here if you want to talk. You mentioned that the story of a main man isn't exactly a happy family dinner convo. I feel like there might be something troubling you. Feel free to call or email. I will listen.

RidingHealingRd posted 8/11/2014 21:41 PM

I feel compelled to ask her tonight if she wants to talk - who this person is - and if he is married. I dread she is going to say yes. If she does, I am going to have to share our story.

I wouldn't say that you are obligated to share your story. The question I would be asking is, "Can I remain friends with this person?"

I know what my answer would be.

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 9:41 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 21:48 PM

"Can I remain friends with this person?"

I guess my former best friend asked herself this question too RHR and that is why she no longer speaks to me and my H. Being so harshly judged by a friend of 25+ years - when I personally have done nothing wrong but try to put my life back together - makes me realize that sometimes, there doesn't even have to be a reason that makes sense for some.

[This message edited by LA44 at 9:51 PM, August 11th (Monday)]

tired girl posted 8/11/2014 23:07 PM

Honestly I think there are some assumptions being made here.

Maybe it will come up at another time and the two of you will have a chance to talk. I hope that for the sake of the friendship that what you are thinking is not what is going on. Hugs LA.

BtraydWife posted 8/11/2014 23:25 PM

If she's a close friend and she hasn't shared information about someone she is involved with I have to wonder if she already knows she'll catch some shit for the circumstances.

I'm not at a place in my healing that would allow me to calmly discuss her possible affair. I'd be too upset over both the devastation to the BS and why someone I cared for so much, and one who has worked so hard to overcome her past, would accept such a relationship for herself. Serious kudos to you if you can do that.

LA44 posted 8/12/2014 07:22 AM

Honestly I think there are some assumptions being made here.

I agree tiredgirl. I made the assumption that this must be it but just wanted to talk. And if she did, I would take it from there.

I wasn't going to do it in a look at me and how good I am - moral superiority - kind of way. She's gone now. I can see that while she is smiling and laughing throughout the day, she is bothered by something as she makes her way 2000 miles home. I hope she can work out whatever she is thinking on these days.

Thanks for your responses.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:23 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

RidingHealingRd posted 8/12/2014 23:42 PM

I guess my former best friend asked herself this question too

But you didn't cheat so I am not quite sure why your friend abandon the long friendship with you. If she has a problem with your H this does not mean she can't get together, and maintain a friendship, with you.

My point was that I could never remain friends with a person who was actively engaged in an A.

blakesteele posted 8/13/2014 04:53 AM

Big Dave Ramsey fan here....the budget/get out of debt and stay there guy.

I have turned other people onto him, started people on their own debt-free journey. But I have only done this because I shared how I personally messed up cards cancelled, debt collectors calling me, etc..

Two quotes I heard that may apply here, LA44. One from a mentor of mine, the other from a podcast.

"People must know you care before they care what you know."--20-year career mentor.

"Telling your story helps others wrote theirs"--podcast

The folks I have helped financially are folks that had already openly shared there debt trouble....might have been a short statement like "where does my money go?", but there was some indication they were not happy with where they were at. KWIM?

As far as loosing best friends over this is a reality. My brother has struggled with maintaining our relationship....several reasons.

First, and the largest, he fears intimacy like I do. This is real deep shit. He is uncomfortable. Has changed the subject at times. This is precisely why he has not been my RL go to guy. He is from the same FOO as I am.....same brokenness, same fears...... Just too similar to count on a differing POV.

Second, he hates adultery. I share with him my personal struggle with temptations. He gets very animated when I do. Then his emotions scare him and he kinda retracts. His strong reaction HAS helped me maintain a healthy path.

Third, he struggles with watching me in pain. I never told him about my wife's FB lurking of late.

I love my brother and he me. Our relationship has been strained but not broken. It has and is changing.

I thought your BF was coming back around....after the initial shock?

Sorry to hear that is not the case.

Peace, my friend.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:50 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

LA44 posted 8/13/2014 10:22 AM

But you didn't cheat so I am not quite sure why your friend abandon the long friendship with you

RHR, I just wanted to address this. She did this bc I am not playing by her rules - the conditions she seems to have set for our relationship. "I can talk to you about your loneliness being away from home but anything about the A is off limits." We can get together but not with my H. But not only that, she does not even act like I have a H. When the kids mention what they did with their Dad, she would get a tight smile and say, "great" and move on.

If she has a problem with your H this does not mean she can't get together, and maintain a friendship, with you.

I guess for me, I am asking myself why I would even want to be friends with someone who does not support our R - who acts as if my H does not exist.

As for the friend I was speaking about above. If she was actively engaged with a married man, it would not work for me.

I really like those quotes blakesteele.

As far as loosing best friends over this is a reality.

I see that now, blakesteele. She has ditched many friends over the years. I thought I was differnt. It is something I need to accept but just haven't yet. I am dumbfounded by her righteous anger that she has done nothing to work through.

blakesteele posted 8/13/2014 10:37 AM

My feelings are my own Mom was going to ditch me if I chose to offer R to my wife. I say this for two reasons.

first, she has done this with almost every one of her friends to date. Everything is great....until something happens then she ditches them.

Second, her initial support was as if I were going to choose D. This is my FOO....serious abandonment issues. When a person with these gets burned, it is our reaction to leave and leave now!!! Kind of a "Oh yeah, you can't fire me....I quit!!!" mentality.

I had a very painful conversation with my Mom over this.

The one question that shook her to her core, and rattled me was when I asked....

"Mom, I get that you will support me if I D my wife....but will you suppport me if I choose to R my marriage?" Her answer was eventually yes....but I could tell it simply was never an option in her mind.

My go-to guy on the other hand has not waivered and our relationship has deepened emensely. I would even state confidently that I have helped HIM grow and mature in ways he needed to too.

Yes, I am going to mention it again....but the way your parents, specifically your Dad, stepped up warms my heart.

This....THIS is what I pray is God's will for my M to my wife. To attain a level of committment and support that I simply can not fathom at this point in time.


blakesteele posted 8/13/2014 10:45 AM

I am dumbfounded by her righteous anger that she has done nothing to work through.

as a person who struggled to find righteous anger, then struggles with living righteiously...this statement caught my attention.

Rigtheous anger is to be used to stop a known, sinful (destructive) action by another. If you fail to stop it you need to live righteously and distance yourself from that destructive environment.

It appears to me that Mr. LA44's openly sinful (destructive) actions stopped pretty quickly after DD. He is no longer choosing that way. The time for righteous anger has passed.

Self-righteous......dang. Hate that term. Hate it because I see, pretty clearly, how I was comfortable doing that dreadful thing in my pre-A M. Part of my facade I showed the world, a way I used to hide my fear and pain.

....I still struggle with that one. Remains a focus area both in IC, prayer and my time visiting with my pastor.

Perhaps your friend is engaged in an attempt to hide from any of the light you all are tapping into? Perhaps what ya'll are doing are convicting her of something she knows she needs to learn to do herself? forgive, try for deeper intimacy, mature love, face and heal from pain within her lifes journey?

Just my thoughts.

Good post.....I am wrestling hard today and this is helping me work on something I don't like to work on but know I need to. Most likely why I am projecting so much onto your unsuspecting BF.

God is with us all.

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