To folks who are in earlier stages of R: It may be daunting to read that someone who claims R is going well is writing about feeling lousy more than 3.5 years after d-day, so I want to preface this with the following:
R still goes well. My W is committed to reclaim herself. She still loves me and is IL with me. I still love her and am IL with her. I still consider myself very close to the state I's call 'recovered', and I think we're pretty close to R'd. This isn't even a bump in the road. It just is. I'm sad, and I'm writing to get that off my chest.
During my W's A, we took an annual Thanksgiving trip to see family and friends. We basically took the same trip for vacation. We got home yesterday (physically, that is - I'm still negotiating the waves on the Jersey shore in my head). Just before we left for vacation, we saw The Devil Wears Prada. I mention that because my W kept telling me that her A was actually her work. (The heroine of TDWP loses her boyfriend because she chose work over him.)
August 8-9, 2010 was the start of sex between my W and ow. We were visiting some friends in 2010 during the A, and we left those same friends on 8/9. (People who grok numbers & dates know why I'm saying that.... )
The whole trip was a trigger. This trip was way different from 2010, of course. I had some of the feelings of the 2010 trip, but I knew as they occurred that they were residual feelings and that my W is very different now.
I asked a lot of questions about the A during the trip and felt awful while I was doing it. I think - AND HOPE - I'm wrapping up some loose ends, but who knows? I got some new info that cut very deep. OTOH, I said some things to my W about how I was reacting to her A that she wishes she had known earlier.
I feel like a wreck. My W says I'm nowhere near in as bad shape as I was after the 2011, 2012, and 2013 trips. Go figure.
My W said some of my questions and comments helped her figure out her part in the A. I don't understand why it took so long for her to understand some of those things, but I'm me, and she's not. (She gets some things a lot quicker than I do, after all....)
For example, she was manipulated into the A by threats of suicide. I think she said she just got that she could have said, 'If suicide is so imminent, I'll call 911.' Personally, I think that would have led to different manipulation, but I think W now sees she could have kept her boundaries up. That probably would have meant losing the relationship, but she lost that - and a lot besides - anyway.
I wrote to blaketseele a couple of hours ago that sometimes we use words not to illuminate but to protect ourselves. WRT this post, I'm writing so many words because I don't really understand what I'm feeling, other than sad and mad about my W's A.
I think writing this has helped me. I'm just not sure it'll help anyone else....
(signed) sisoon, more confused than usual....