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4th antiversary triggers....

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sisoon posted 8/11/2014 14:17 PM

To folks who are in earlier stages of R: It may be daunting to read that someone who claims R is going well is writing about feeling lousy more than 3.5 years after d-day, so I want to preface this with the following:

R still goes well. My W is committed to reclaim herself. She still loves me and is IL with me. I still love her and am IL with her. I still consider myself very close to the state I's call 'recovered', and I think we're pretty close to R'd. This isn't even a bump in the road. It just is. I'm sad, and I'm writing to get that off my chest.

During my W's A, we took an annual Thanksgiving trip to see family and friends. We basically took the same trip for vacation. We got home yesterday (physically, that is - I'm still negotiating the waves on the Jersey shore in my head). Just before we left for vacation, we saw The Devil Wears Prada. I mention that because my W kept telling me that her A was actually her work. (The heroine of TDWP loses her boyfriend because she chose work over him.)

August 8-9, 2010 was the start of sex between my W and ow. We were visiting some friends in 2010 during the A, and we left those same friends on 8/9. (People who grok numbers & dates know why I'm saying that.... )

The whole trip was a trigger. This trip was way different from 2010, of course. I had some of the feelings of the 2010 trip, but I knew as they occurred that they were residual feelings and that my W is very different now.

I asked a lot of questions about the A during the trip and felt awful while I was doing it. I think - AND HOPE - I'm wrapping up some loose ends, but who knows? I got some new info that cut very deep. OTOH, I said some things to my W about how I was reacting to her A that she wishes she had known earlier.

I feel like a wreck. My W says I'm nowhere near in as bad shape as I was after the 2011, 2012, and 2013 trips. Go figure.

My W said some of my questions and comments helped her figure out her part in the A. I don't understand why it took so long for her to understand some of those things, but I'm me, and she's not. (She gets some things a lot quicker than I do, after all....)

For example, she was manipulated into the A by threats of suicide. I think she said she just got that she could have said, 'If suicide is so imminent, I'll call 911.' Personally, I think that would have led to different manipulation, but I think W now sees she could have kept her boundaries up. That probably would have meant losing the relationship, but she lost that - and a lot besides - anyway.

I wrote to blaketseele a couple of hours ago that sometimes we use words not to illuminate but to protect ourselves. WRT this post, I'm writing so many words because I don't really understand what I'm feeling, other than sad and mad about my W's A.

I think writing this has helped me. I'm just not sure it'll help anyone else....

(signed) sisoon, more confused than usual....

rachelc posted 8/11/2014 14:32 PM


seethelight posted 8/11/2014 14:33 PM


The vacation was obviously a trigger.

As Peggy Vaughn has written, It's unrealistic for a wayward spouse to expect a betrayed spouse to ever get over a trusted spouses affair.

It will always be a wound. Healed over maybe to a scar, but even scars ache sometimes on cloudy days.

I get what you mean when you said you felt bad for needing to talk about the affair.

I feel that way, now almost always, when I am triggered and bring up the affair.

I really hate needing to talk about it sometimes.

Crushed15Feb13 posted 8/11/2014 15:10 PM

I got some new info that cut very deep.

So sorry, Sisoon. The same thing recently happened to me. And I've been feeling sad about it too.

My WW says her AP manipulated her also, and I sometimes wonder if those words are meant to as you point out, not illuminate, but protect herself.

I wish I could be the help to you that you have been to me, but just know you'll be in my thoughts today.

wolf_heart posted 8/11/2014 16:03 PM

Sometimes I think WS don't know just how deep the wounds go. How many triggers there are to the A.

Can you change the vacation location? Maybe do something different next year to stop the triggers?

I feel bad when I have the need to ask more questions too. I feel that I should have all the answers already and not have to bother him anymore. Well, I still have plenty of questions. Some I will probably not ever ask. At least your Ws was willing to help you understand things.

Good luck on your R. We know minor hiccups will happen no matter how much time has past.

LA44 posted 8/11/2014 17:42 PM

Just sending a big Cdn hug to you, ((Sisoon)). I negotiate waves's to finding some peace in the water you tread. Glad your wife is there to answer questions and discover more about herself.

karmahappens posted 8/11/2014 19:51 PM


thought about you lots this week.

The whole trip was a trigger

you aren't a wreck, you are a man who had a lot to take in....a man who has processed his wife's A with dignity, compassion and a desire to grow and understand.

I applaud you for not 3 1/2 years out many people would be uncomfortable bringing it up and not being "healed"

You face your truth, accept your wife's and continue to move forward.

I hope you feel better soon, but know that just feeling, good or bad, is really good.


sisoon posted 8/11/2014 21:01 PM

Thanks for the hugs. They help.

For the record, my W took responsibility immediately on d-day. She's never used being manipulated as an excuse. She's been honest and supportive since d-day.

The new info could be TT. I count it as 'just didn't come up', though, because she's answered all my questions, and she's volunteered stuff that I didn't ask about. Also, this never would have been a deal breaker at any stage. It just fell through the cracks until now.

hopefull77 posted 8/11/2014 23:41 PM

Thank you for sharing...
You are a voice I listen to on this site...
love wins in the end.....bruises and all...

HardenMyHeart posted 8/12/2014 00:52 AM

sisoon, sorry to hear you are struggling a bit. Sending best wishes that tomorrow is a better day.

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