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5 Months Now and I still can't figure out why...

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z1x2606 posted 8/12/2014 07:43 AM

We have been together for 23 years (married for 21). We have always had a great relationship and I NEVER thought I had a reason to not trust him. I found out 5 months ago that he had an "incident" with a coworker. They did NOT sleep together but met up after work in his car and done other things. There were issues going on at work and he said he didn't feel like I understood what he was going through and she did. She became his "go to" person for a couple of weeks. They had lunch, talked through text and FB and then met up one night after work in a parking lot behind a warehouse. I just can't understand how he didn't think of me as he was heading there to meet her? How can someone be with me for that many years and I didn't even cross his mind. He swears up and down that he never stopped loving me and that he was having serious head issues and almost doesn't believe that it happened himself. The hard part is...we had become friends with her and her husband the past few months and I feel that I was betrayed by both of them. Was she just using me to get to him? I believe I already know the answer to that. My husband is very self conscious and doesn't have much self esteem (never has). I've always told him how wonderful he is, what a great father he is, what a great provider he is, etc. but it didn't seem to mean as much coming from me as it did her. She's 12 years younger than he is, somewhat attractive, and has a bubbly personality. When she told him those made him feel good. Why didn't it make him feel good when I told him? Was it because it was old and he needed something new and fresh? We are trying to work through these issues and, honestly, I think this whole situation has brought us closer together and we realize that we had gotten comfortable in our marriage and weren't communicating as well as we should have. However, I can't go to bed at night without it being the last thing on my mind and wake up every morning with it being the first thing on my mind. I am definitely an overthinker and keep envisioning the things that went on in that car that night. I can't get over the fact that he had his wedding ring on the entire time and came home to me after and kissed me good night after his lips had been on hers. I know that we are meant to be together and I know he is my soulmate (and I know that he knows that as well). I truly do trust that he'll never let this happen again but can't help but wonder why I wasn't good enough for him? How can I ever get these thoughts out of my head? He knows that it's killing me and is being very supportive of all of my questions, crying, etc. He says that it was literally about 30 minutes in the car and they both realized that they were making a mistake. He says that I'm building it up in my head because of soap operas, movies, etc. He says I'm making it much more romantic and passionate than it ever was. How can I not? Any advice on how to move on with him and shake these constant thoughts is appreciated. It's taking over my life and I have 3 wonderful children to raise. Thanks in advance.

MovingUpward posted 8/12/2014 09:49 AM

Even without making it more romantic than it is, his choice to let her in and not work with you on this issue needs to be dealt with. This is where he seriously needs to take a hard look at why he chose that path.

As to your question about you praise being enough, I think it would have been if your H had a healthy level of self esteem. But the fact that he struggles with low esteem can lead him to be more accepting of praise from others. Try not to internalize this as your issue. This is an issue that he will have to work on.

notanavrageangel posted 8/12/2014 15:47 PM

z1x2606 -

Sorry you have found yourself here on the website that no one ever wants to find. :( I was in your shoes a little over a month ago.

I am confused by your headline, have you known about this for 5 months? Or did it happen 5 months ago and you just found out?

My WH has done a LOT of digging since DDay and he still has more to do, but his why has to do with low self esteem and feeling like a failure. He projected those feelings onto his family and myself, so he thought we thought of him as a failure. He turned to someone outside because he wanted to escape the pain he was in. It was hard for me not to ask the same questions as you, and wonder what was so special about her that he didn't see in me?

One thing I realized is that he "affair down" meaning there was nothing special about OW except she was the first one to notice him and pay attention. I saw her pictures, she is not attractive, he even told me she wore old ripped clothes, and had nothing really going for her. SHE had self esteem issues too, and together they fed each others egos. Don't even think that OW is better than you. She got the scraps of your WH. SHe isn't better than you, you are the real prize here!! He should be at your feet because of the second chance you are giving him.

That being said, he needs individual counceling NOW. He needs to dig deep and find out why he did this, that is the only way to lessen the chances this will happen again. He should also be completely responsible with helping you heal also. If he isn't up to the task of this long journey, then he needs to have consequences. Stay strong, keep reading and posting, and get him help. MC

kansas1968 posted 8/12/2014 15:55 PM

I am just going to tell you that the secret to feeling better is time. There is no other cure. The why's may never be answered to your satisfaction. Mostly I think the why is because it was exciting and fun at the time. Infidelity is a selfish act and does not include us. We have all had those same thoughts, about him kissing her and then kissing us, the wedding rings, the OW being a friend. It is just impossible for us to understand because us non-cheaters have boundaries.

He sounds like he is doing the right things. Just make sure he lets you talk about it if you need to. That also can take time because they are ashamed and defensive. You will always think about it, but it doesn't have to ruin your marriage. Things will get better. The pain lessens. Promise.

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