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User Topic: How fast do you physically move in new relationships?
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm continuing to try to work on me and improve myself, and one of the things that I've noticed about myself is that I'm more of a prude now than I was two years ago. And perhaps that is the wrong word to use, but it's how I'm feeling about myself right now.

Since the breakup with xwSO, I get instantly and completely turned off if a new guy makes a move too soon. There have been a few guys that I've gone on one or two dates with, and then ended it because they made a move that I wasn't comfortable with. It's an instant, uncontrollable turn off for me.

Some examples... the last guy I tried to date started trying to heavily make out on the third date. I tried to slow it down and he kept saying I was worth the wait, but I got so annoyed because I'm thinking in my head "3 dates isn't much of a wait..." And then I went on a date Sunday with a nice, educated guy in the medical field. Talking to him was extremely easy, and we have so much in common. But last night we were texting, and I told him that I injured my leg playing a sport. He offered to rub it, and gave a wink. I felt turned off, but tried to just joke with him and not take it too seriously. And then he made a comment about playing nurse/patient, but me being the nurse. It completely turned me off, and I probably will not see him again.

Looking back in the past though, I wasn't like that. The best relationship I've ever had was a guy that I dated for 4 years, and we made out on the first date. So what's changed? Is it just that I'm older now? Or is it the infidelity stuff?

I worry that I'm passing up good men because I get so turned off if they're flirty or make a move too soon. But then I think that good men wouldn't do that so early. And then I think of my past before xwSO when I dated good guys who moved fast. So, I don't know.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
cmego
♀ 30346
Member # 30346
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think joking about sex before your second date would turn me off too.

There is a level of respect that I am looking for...not that I'm simply a sex toy to them. If he had said something like, "Well, you have great legs..." it wouldn't have been as weird because it was a compliment instead of a sexual "test". I"d be done too. I had one email get sexual before meeting the guy and I ended it. And, just a few weeks ago the date that didnt' pay for my coffee said something sexual on the first date, "Boy, you are all legs, aren't you?" TURN OFF. It wasn't a compliment, it was sexual. I didn't feel respected.

This doesn't mean you are a prude, it just means that you are looking for "the trifecta", an emotional, intellectual AND sexual connection. Not just sexual. It is your life stage too. You are looking for something "more serious" and not a sexual fling. I know that having a guy sexually attracted to me does NOT mean they are really interested in me.

When it is right, you'll know. Or at least I keep telling myself that


me...BS, 44 years old, 2 small kids
WS, 41, multiple gay affairs
M 15 years, together 17
Divorced


Posts: 4284 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: South
IrishGirlVA
♀ 39694
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 11:20 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Boy, you are all legs, aren't you?"

And the best response back would have been, "No. I have a brain, too".

But I agree with CMEGO. You are not a prude but rather someone who has higher standards and respects herself enough to know when a creep rears their ugly head. Once upon a time I used to gush over sexual innuendos but now, a total turn off. I deserve more and there is nothing wrong with demanding that for myself.

Don't feel ashamed for feeling "prude" but rather hold your head up high that you are not going to settle for less! Something that you should be very proud of considering what you, all of us, have been through.

So I say, you go girl!

You may have to kiss (or not kiss?) a lot of frogs to find that special someone who will honor your intimacy pace and respect that 100%. He is out there!


Me, the "B": 42yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 370 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
WeepingBuddhist
♀ 39139
Member # 39139
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you have to trust your gut but also really think about what you want in a relationship. and be clear about what you're looking for! If you're meeting people on-line, it's kind of hard to figure out how to gauge, in my experience. Neither of the guys you mention seem out of line to me.

For me, I'm much more interested in a physical relationship that's maybe a little shallow emotionally. That's what works for me.


Me: BS 46
Him: unimportant
D Day:4-27-13
DIVORCED!!! 2-20-14

Posts: 676 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Columbus
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 12:56 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I worry that I'm passing up good men because I get so turned off if they're flirty or make a move too soon. But then I think that good men wouldn't do that so early. And then I think of my past before xwSO when I dated good guys who moved fast. So, I don't know.

He's still in your head and you're not ready for a physical relationship. It seems pretty clear from what you write.

Good men are like good women. They like sex when it's appropriate to a relationship. They sometimes say stupid things or things that come off wrong.

Guys are supposed to pursue a little. So sometimes they push a little to see where the boundary is. The guy made a slightly suggestive comment. You played along. He pushed a little further. You went silent.

Now if he's a mind-reader, he might connect the dots and he'll feel bad about that and apologize. Or he might be bad at mind-reading.

With your last date, you went with it, understood that maybe he was a good guy after all, and then he crossed all sorts of lines and you doubted yourself. Though you did stand up for yourself effectively.

The fallout seems to be that you're going to assume every guy is like that one. You now have a chorus of assholes in your head every time you meet someone new.

When you're ready to date, the bad ones (including your former SO) won't be in your head. The only voice you'll hear is the person you're with.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
lieshurt
♀ 14003
Member # 14003
Default  Posted: 1:47 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can relate to this completely. For me, I want to be appreciated as a person, not a sex object. It's irritating when you explain this to a man, he agrees and then proceeds with the sexual innuendo. I'm just not willing to deal with it anymore.


A relationship without trust is like a car without gas. You can stay in it all you want, but it won't go anywhere.

Posts: 13881 | Registered: Mar 2007 | From: Houston
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:37 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's more a matter of priorities than character.

Where do you want to match up first?

I prefer to hit the mental and emotional buttons before the physical. If a guy needs to hit the physical button first and doesn't want to waste his tim, getting mentally and emotionally invested, it's just not a match.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are not a prude but rather someone who has higher standards and respects herself enough to know when a creep rears their ugly head.

But, I don't think that the guys are necessarily always being creeps when it happens. I mean, maybe they are. But I know that one of my exes started off very fast with me physically, and it was a great relationship. I wouldn't classify him as a creep at all. He's someone who has great boundaries. The relationship ended for non-infidelity reasons.

The fallout seems to be that you're going to assume every guy is like that one. You now have a chorus of assholes in your head every time you meet someone new.

I don't think that's it. I don't think this guy was being a creep or a bad guy in his messages to me. I think he was trying to be flirty. In my younger years, I probably would have flirted back.

It's hard to describe, but it's more of an instant and uncontrollable reaction. It's like when I see a needle. I know that needles don't actually hurt that badly, but I have an uncontrollable reaction and start crying.

In the past, I was fine with moving quickly in relationships. And if I didn't want to move quickly, I was fine putting on the brakes. I didn't feel as turned off by that type of behavior as I do now.

You are looking for something "more serious" and not a sexual fling. I know that having a guy sexually attracted to me does NOT mean they are really interested in me.

Agreed. But doesn't the sexual attraction usually happen first? The emotional stuff comes later when you get to know the person.

I think the problem may be that I've "learned" too much, through reading and IC and other areas. I used to have sex first, and then build a relationship. Now I want to build a relationship, and then have sex. But it seems like everyone in my age range is still under the same mentality that I used to be in?


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
Newlease
♀ 7767
Member # 7767
Default  Posted: 2:57 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First relationship post D I moved into the physical very quickly - 3rd date. And that's what the whole relationship was based on - I just forgot to remind my heart of that. It was a complete disaster emotionally - physically, well it did the trick.

I didn't get physical with anyone else I dated until my current SO, but I didn't date any of them longer that a few weeks. I tried to see if a spark would ignite and it never did with any of them.

Current SO was put in the friend zone for 1 1/2 years. And even after we started dating we went fairly slow. I got flowers at work the day after I allowed him to put his arm around me while sitting on the couch! But the ember grew, and the sparks flew, I would say about 2 months after we started dating. Which doesn't really sound that long, but it was really 1 1/2 years plus 2 months.

NL


Even if you can't control the world around you, you are still the master of your own soul.

Posts: 7807 | Registered: Aug 2005
DepressedDaddy
♂ 41521
Member # 41521
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a guy, I lean both ways with this topic. I had a physical relationship a couple months ago and we slept together on the first official date, however that was after a couple weeks of talking/texting/etc. By the time that first date came, we definitely had a strong emotional connection.

I have a harder time engaging sexually with someone on a first date, if that is the get-to-know-you date. However, it is never outside of the realm of possibility though, but those encounters are built purely on lust and chemistry - and I have found those do not work out long term as much.

You have to do what you feel comfortable doing - if it doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't.


Since D I have become DDaddy 2.0 - or better known as DevotedDaddy

“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."


Posts: 916 | Registered: Dec 2013
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 3:46 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that's it. I don't think this guy was being a creep or a bad guy in his messages to me. I think he was trying to be flirty. In my younger years, I probably would have flirted back.

It's hard to describe, but it's more of an instant and uncontrollable reaction. It's like when I see a needle. I know that needles don't actually hurt that badly, but I have an uncontrollable reaction and start crying.

In the past, I was fine with moving quickly in relationships. And if I didn't want to move quickly, I was fine putting on the brakes. I didn't feel as turned off by that type of behavior as I do now.

Right now, you sound older than I do. But you have so much time ahead of you.

When you get your sea legs back, you'll really get the difference between a slightly awkward flirt and someone who doesn't have boundaries.

You have a vigilance established when it comes to men expressing a sexual interest. Which can be a good thing. But when it's cutting things off before you can really determine whether it's a good guy making an awkward flirt or he's just an asshole like the last one, you need some recovery time.

There isn't anything wrong with staying out there, but shutting things off once the guy makes an awkward move. The fallout is that if you do connect with Mr. Slow and Steady, you might find out months down the road that he just wants to be friends and has an attraction issue with you. Or you feel that way about him.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And even after we started dating we went fairly slow. I got flowers at work the day after I allowed him to put his arm around me while sitting on the couch!

Did he try things before you were ready, and if so how did it make you feel?

I wish there was a way for me to put the brakes on without feeling repulsed by it. The last guy kept saying things like "you're worth the wait." On the outside, seems like the right thing to say. But I just felt turned off.

I didn't feel repulsed by the first guy I dated post breakup. He went so slow that I was anticipating it going faster, and I usually made the first move. The problem was that carried over into other aspects too, which I don't like.

It's like I need to be in charge physically, but I want the guy to take the lead emotionally.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 3:53 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
Forged1
♂ 43418
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's like I need to be in charge physically,

Why?

and I need the guy to take the lead emotionally.

Why?


Me: BH
Her: Almost XW

Almost done with D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 358 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The last guy kept saying things like "you're worth the wait." On the outside, seems like the right thing to say. But I just felt turned off.

No, it implies that he feels you are being unreasonable by waiting to have sex with him.

It is classic asshole.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you're being a prude at all.
In fact, I think your caution is smart.

When I was OLDing, I nexted a lot of guys who played the sexual innuendo card. It is a HUGE turn off to me as well.
I am not, nor have I ever been, a multi-dater. I also tend to take my time because I tend to get emotionally involved with the person I'm sleeping with...yet another reason to take it slow.

If a guy tries to push past your boundaries when you clearly have a stop sign displayed, that's a red flag to me. Next!!


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish there was a way for me to put the brakes on without feeling repulsed by it. The last guy kept saying things like "you're worth the wait." On the outside, seems like the right thing to say. But I just felt turned off.

That’s an actions vs. words thing. The last guy wasn’t really waiting until you were comfortable, he was trying to wear you down. If you tap the breaks a respectful guy will wait for you to make the next move.

Also, if you want to take things slow, I highly recommend that you be mindful of limiting opportunities to advance things. Avoid dinners in, nightcaps, generally being alone in private.

[This message edited by Crescita at 4:13 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3578 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
Lonelygirl10
♀ 39850
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 4:17 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, it implies that he feels you are being unreasonable by waiting to have sex with him.

Really? He had plenty of other issues, so I'm glad I ended it. But I kind of felt like the physical part of it was on me. I felt annoyed by him saying that, but couldn't really understand why. So what's a non-asshole response when a girl says to slow down?

Forged, I'll try to answer your why questions, but I don't really know. I instantly feel repulsed if a guy comes on too strong too quickly. I'm not really sure why. I know that if I take the lead on progressing things physically though, I'm fine and I don't feel repulsed.

On the other hand, I prefer the guy to take the lead on emotional stuff because I'm old fashioned. I have asked guys out in the past, and I don't think that men should "chase" women. But I prefer the guy to initiate conversations like exclusivity, love talk, marriage proposals, etc.


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1345 | Registered: Jul 2013
GabyBaby
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:19 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just because a guy takes you out for a meal, drinks etc does not mean you are now obligated to sleep with him...no matter how aggressive or subtle he may be.

A non-asshole response to a woman saying no, is to NOT press her, to stop making sexual comments, etc and treat her with respect.


Me - 42
SorryInSac (STBX WH#2) - 47. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4, together 7yrs total
Status - Done

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids - 4 dogs, 2 cats

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW) - Legally married 18yrs

I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6741 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
better4me
♀ 30341
Member # 30341
Default  Posted: 5:32 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think RSN has a good point here! It isn't fair to expect someone to be able to read our minds. We all may be awkward at times in our approach to things and the "nice educated guy in the medical field" may have misjudged your joking with him after his rubbing your leg comment. Sexual innuendos are a way of testing the water, a "how far can I go" test. If you are offended you need to place a boundary by saying "Whoa, back up the bus. That's a little too much too soon". How he responds to that boundary is a much better way of judging his intentions/character than the "going just a bit too far" flirtation. Know your boundaries. Practice expressing them.

When I've said my boundary, a good guy who respects my boundaries is going to get some brownie points. The guy who disrespects or ignores them will get him nexted.


DDay 11/17/2010 BW:53
Divorced

Posts: 3267 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Iowa
fireproof
♀ 36126
Member # 36126
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I didn't know so I decided. At least 6 dates before a kiss and 6 months to a year before full intimacy.

I figured this way I would be okay with whatever happened after we were together because I felt comfortable.

I met some wonderful people and they were normal and respected my boundaries.

I think it depends on your personal experience and what you want in the future. There are no guarantees.

Do what is best for you and you will find someone who matches your speed..


Posts: 1108 | Registered: Jul 2012
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