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Shame, depression, anxiety associated with D

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limbohurts posted 8/12/2014 09:06 AM

I have been separated for almost 5 months now and just waiting for the D process to move along. WH has left me and the kids to be with the OW, and he is taking his time with the agreement while I depend on him financially. This leaves me in a constant state of anxiety.

These past 5 months have felt like 5 years. The emotional roller coaster just won't stop. I feel so isolated and sad. I never wanted a divorce or a cheating husband, but I have no choice. I feel like I am in hiding. I don't want to be out in the community where we as a family and couple were so socially active over the years. I don't know who knows about the D and who doesn't. Every time I bump into someone, I think do they know? I feel so ashamed and embarrassed, and I did nothing to feel this way, but I can't make it stop.

I read here on SI often and it helps, but aside from my IC, I have no one to talk to who understands. I still feel like all of this is a nightmare and I just want to wake up. I had absolutely no idea of the devastation that comes with divorce and it so much worse knowing that WH feels none of the pain, shame, anxiety or sadness that I feel. He is just moving on with his happily ever after....

Just had to get that out to anyone who can relate.

sparkysable posted 8/12/2014 09:18 AM

That first year is by far the hardest. My first year after d-day was just a blur. I barely made it through each second of each day. Make sure that you come and post here, or talk to someone in real life who has been through it. "Outsiders" expect you to get over it and move on instantly. It's maddening. They say it typically takes 2-5 years to truly heal. I'm at 4 years, and I am just now starting to feel somewhat normal.

brokeninfl posted 8/12/2014 09:41 AM

I'm so sorry limbo. I agree with sparky -- the first year was the hardest for me too. I actually found the "separated" portion to be the worst. It seemed much easier when I could just say "I'm divorced" and leave it at that. It seemed like people always wanted more details before it was "official"

I have to admit, I still occasionally feel weird/awkward when I get asked about being married (for me it's usually other moms at the boys school). But the more I do it - the less it bothers me. You'll get to that point too. Its like aversion therapy.

it so much worse knowing that WH feels none of the pain, shame, anxiety or sadness that I feel

And while the advice is to not let your mind go down this road, remember that you don't know how he feels -- I never saw it, but years later I heard though a friend of my Xwh about all the times he cried on his shoulder because the divorce ect was tearing him up (not that that it changed anything) So - no matte what happy face he has on, don't assume that he's skipping off happy into the sunset, because it's probably not true.

norabird posted 8/12/2014 10:09 AM

Please don't feel ashamed. Feel free to tell the truth to people you know who don't know you are divorcing, or feel free to ignore it--but don't feel there is something wrong with you because you are divorcing, and don't hide out because of the fear. If you tell people in your life, you will be amazed at how supportive they are and how much it frees you.


newlysingle posted 8/12/2014 10:31 AM

The shame is not yours to bear, it is his. Please don't be afteId to share the truth. Once I started to share, I received so much support. You'll also discover that you aren't alone. So many people said, my X did the same thing 30 years ago, or my sister is going through the same thing.

You did nothing wrong. You were an honest, living woman who lives her life with honesty and integrity. You married someone with none of those qualities, but pretended to possess them. People will not look down on you, but they will on him.

Charity411 posted 8/12/2014 11:50 AM

Try thinking about this. You probably know many people that got divorced. Did your opinion of them deminish in any way as a result? Probably not. So why would anyone think that of you? And if they did, why would you want them as a friend. Now I could understand this if you were the one that cheated, but you didn't.

My EX and I were extremely active in our community. I refused to let him just replace me in that life, so I staked my claim in it. He's the one that had to move on. So get out there and be seen. And remember, cockroaches and rats scurry away when you walk into a room.

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