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Newest Member: W2MNL (46024)

User Topic: Friends Wife is Having An Affair
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 11:17 AM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

An old friend of mine called me last night. He and his wife have been married for 22 years and have four kids, ages 8-19. She has been having an affair with a younger man for a couple of months and wants to leave. He is trying to figure out how to keep this from impacting his kids. I told him that he can't. I told him to get an attorney and read up on the 180 and come here.

He and I are part of a group of friends from high school that get together every so often for Rush concerts. She doesn't go so I don't know her very well. We are FB friends.

I'm tempted to send her a message. From everything I know about her this is not in character, and I'm tempted to tell her that one day she will look back and regret this and what she's done to her children. Maybe send her a link to the WS Faqs.

He's desperately trying to hold on to her so it may upset him, but as we all know, she's going to do what she's going to do. Opinions?


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would focus on your friend and not his wife, unless things progress to the point where your being in contact with her arises naturally.

He's lucky to be able to have you for help right now.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NewWorldMan
♂ 33607
Member # 33607
Default  Posted: 12:36 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Agree with Norabird...and love the Rush reference.


Me: FWS 45

Divorced


Posts: 356 | Registered: Oct 2011
sparkysable
♀ 3703
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If her own husband and the threat of losing her family won't change her mind, hearing from you certainly won't. I wouldn't.

Definitely support him and send him here to SI. Sounds like he's still in that "I want to save my family" fog that some of us BS's were so hard headed about.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3559 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
IrishGirlVA
♀ 39694
Member # 39694
Default  Posted: 12:45 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with norabird. Just focus on your friend and his needs/wants. Give advice when it is asked for and hugs when you know he needs one. As far as his wife, there is NOTHING either one of you can say to lift the fog. As most of us know. Anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears.

I'm very sorry for your friend and their children. I hope his wife's fog lifts and she'll be able to see the true ramifications for her actions. In the meantime, support your friend.

((persever, friend and kids))


Me, the "B": 42yo
Him, the "W": 38yo
DDay: June 2013
Status: Over

Posts: 370 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Virginia
Red Sox Nation
♂ 26358
Member # 26358
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given what we all know about the in-fog WS, imagine how she'll perceive your contact. She'll think you're messing around with her husband and want to interfere with the marriage so as to stake a claim.

The WS often hates knowing their BS is confiding in someone about the affair. So stepping forward will hurt his chances with her by making him look weak.

It's great that he has you to provide advice. But I think it's best that you remain in his corner and avoid touching gloves with the WS at all costs.


When someone tells you who she is, listen; when someone shows you who she is, listen carefully.

Posts: 1921 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: Midwest
solus sto
♀ 30989
Member # 30989
Default  Posted: 1:51 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're a good friend.

In your shoes, I'd continue to provide the great support to your friend you've been giving.

I would not contact his wife. If they should R, then there may be an opportunity to share resources with her. I can't think of many circumstances in which it would be appropriate for you to broach this with her, however--it is something I would not tackle until and unless SHE communicated with you about the affair. (If, for example, your friend shared with her, somewhere down the road, that you'd been impacted by infidelity and were a good resource, then it'd certainly be a good entre for conversation. Otherwise, I would not approach the topic with her.)


BS-me, 52
WH (Trac-fone), 53, PD
2 kids-DD25, DS18
multiple d-days
DIVORCING
Alone, most strangely, I live on~Rupert Brooke

Posts: 9141 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: midwest
Crescita
♀ 32616
Member # 32616
Default  Posted: 2:18 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it might add another layer of betrayal if you go to her without his knowledge and refer her to what could be his safe place.

And as you said, she is going to do what she is going to do. My xWH wasn't lacking for people to tell him he was an idiot and he pressed on anyway.


“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Posts: 3571 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: The Valley of the Sun
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 2:23 PM, August 12th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks - point taken. I will send him the site info.

It's just such a waste and so damaging to everyone involved. I know so many A stories and I never can get past that.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 10:57 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sent my friend the link to the site and links to the BS and WS FAQ in the Healing Library. He was supposed to see an attorney today.

Thank you all for your responses. I hate infidelity w a passion. If you want out just get out - the destructive nature of infidelity is so much worse.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
GotPlayed
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 9:49 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Send him over to Menz. We'll welcome a new brother. It's hard for us men to talk about these things, and I don't know any men in real life who has gone though this (or wants to talk about it). So a guy in particular needs this site, I think.

Ditto on hating infidelity and it's destructive nature. Generations of people are damaged because of this crap.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
persevere
♀ 31468
Member # 31468
Default  Posted: 12:37 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Will do GP and thank you.


Me: BW-44
Him: XWH-44
Together 9 yrs
DDays: 1/10/2011
Status: Divorced 4/27/11

Above all, be the heroine, not the victim. - Nora Ephron

It is our choices...that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
- J. K. Rowling


Posts: 4712 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Texas
Topic Posts: 12

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