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Friends Wife is Having An Affair

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persevere posted 8/12/2014 11:17 AM

An old friend of mine called me last night. He and his wife have been married for 22 years and have four kids, ages 8-19. She has been having an affair with a younger man for a couple of months and wants to leave. He is trying to figure out how to keep this from impacting his kids. I told him that he can't. I told him to get an attorney and read up on the 180 and come here.

He and I are part of a group of friends from high school that get together every so often for Rush concerts. She doesn't go so I don't know her very well. We are FB friends.

I'm tempted to send her a message. From everything I know about her this is not in character, and I'm tempted to tell her that one day she will look back and regret this and what she's done to her children. Maybe send her a link to the WS Faqs.

He's desperately trying to hold on to her so it may upset him, but as we all know, she's going to do what she's going to do. Opinions?

norabird posted 8/12/2014 12:13 PM

I would focus on your friend and not his wife, unless things progress to the point where your being in contact with her arises naturally.

He's lucky to be able to have you for help right now.

NewWorldMan posted 8/12/2014 12:36 PM

Agree with Norabird...and love the Rush reference.

sparkysable posted 8/12/2014 12:38 PM

If her own husband and the threat of losing her family won't change her mind, hearing from you certainly won't. I wouldn't.

Definitely support him and send him here to SI. Sounds like he's still in that "I want to save my family" fog that some of us BS's were so hard headed about.

IrishGirlVA posted 8/12/2014 12:45 PM

I agree with norabird. Just focus on your friend and his needs/wants. Give advice when it is asked for and hugs when you know he needs one. As far as his wife, there is NOTHING either one of you can say to lift the fog. As most of us know. Anything you say to her will fall on deaf ears.

I'm very sorry for your friend and their children. I hope his wife's fog lifts and she'll be able to see the true ramifications for her actions. In the meantime, support your friend.

((persever, friend and kids))

Red Sox Nation posted 8/12/2014 13:04 PM

Given what we all know about the in-fog WS, imagine how she'll perceive your contact. She'll think you're messing around with her husband and want to interfere with the marriage so as to stake a claim.

The WS often hates knowing their BS is confiding in someone about the affair. So stepping forward will hurt his chances with her by making him look weak.

It's great that he has you to provide advice. But I think it's best that you remain in his corner and avoid touching gloves with the WS at all costs.

solus sto posted 8/12/2014 13:51 PM

You're a good friend.

In your shoes, I'd continue to provide the great support to your friend you've been giving.

I would not contact his wife. If they should R, then there may be an opportunity to share resources with her. I can't think of many circumstances in which it would be appropriate for you to broach this with her, however--it is something I would not tackle until and unless SHE communicated with you about the affair. (If, for example, your friend shared with her, somewhere down the road, that you'd been impacted by infidelity and were a good resource, then it'd certainly be a good entre for conversation. Otherwise, I would not approach the topic with her.)

Crescita posted 8/12/2014 14:18 PM

I think it might add another layer of betrayal if you go to her without his knowledge and refer her to what could be his safe place.

And as you said, she is going to do what she is going to do. My xWH wasn't lacking for people to tell him he was an idiot and he pressed on anyway.

persevere posted 8/12/2014 14:23 PM

Thanks - point taken. I will send him the site info.

It's just such a waste and so damaging to everyone involved. I know so many A stories and I never can get past that.

persevere posted 8/13/2014 22:57 PM

I sent my friend the link to the site and links to the BS and WS FAQ in the Healing Library. He was supposed to see an attorney today.

Thank you all for your responses. I hate infidelity w a passion. If you want out just get out - the destructive nature of infidelity is so much worse.

GotPlayed posted 8/14/2014 21:49 PM

Send him over to Menz. We'll welcome a new brother. It's hard for us men to talk about these things, and I don't know any men in real life who has gone though this (or wants to talk about it). So a guy in particular needs this site, I think.

Ditto on hating infidelity and it's destructive nature. Generations of people are damaged because of this crap.

persevere posted 8/15/2014 00:37 AM

Will do GP and thank you.

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