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My kids and the OW

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Harriet posted 8/12/2014 13:39 PM

I broke a very stunning NC streak when I saw that the OW had given a birthday gift to my son yesterday (his bday was in July). She has been doing some things lately that would indicate she is desperate to keep her and my ex together. My ex must be eating up all the ego kibbles (kibbles is too samll a word for it, really) from her. Anyway, my IC said it is within my rights to protect my kids and call him on his recent broken promise to keep the kids from his women. So I sent this email:

Hi. The last real conversation we'd had we agreed that we were going to shield the kids from our current relationships, and in particular, yours, as you have trouble with commitment and fidelity.

I am wondering then why you have been deliberately bringing the kids and DesperateMuch together and including her as a part of the family, including the recent birthday gift to DS. This bothers me because although I don't know DesperateMuch, she doesn't seem to be a very emotionally stable person and I worry about her contact with my children. If things have stepped up and you are committing to her in an exclusive and lasting relationship then that would be cool. But if you are also still seeing other women on the side (which I am pretty certain you are), I would very much appreciate it if you would keep your women and the kids separate.

I feel very nervous about opening any dialogue between us because I have been feeling great lately and don't want to take another dive on the roller coaster. But it bothers me, and he thinks the kids are all cool and the divorce had no lasting impression on them. He's wrong. I am curious to ask if others think this was worth breaking NC over, or if I should have just let it go? I was really divided, but went ahead and sent the email as I figured it couldn't do the kids any harm since they will never see it, and might help if the ex took his head out of the sand.

Arg. Too late - this roller coaster is going down.

HurtingandLost posted 8/12/2014 13:47 PM

IMHO, and this may conflict with other members points of view, I think you are doing the right thing, especially putting this in writing.

My XW paraded a string of OM in front of my kids and they are still damaged from it. It runs deep. No need to allow THAT drama llama to affect your kids psyche's. You're doing great.

Harriet posted 8/12/2014 13:55 PM

Thanks, H&L. If I'm heading down the roller coaster I am hoping it is worth it.

Harriet posted 8/12/2014 14:24 PM

His reply:

Harrriet, First DesperateMuch may be emotional at times with me, but she is a stable and very kind person, is always good around the kids, and poses no threat to them. Second, we are in a serious, monogamous relationship and have been for most of the last 2.5 years now. It has its challenges, and I don't know exactly what the future holds, but I expect it to continue.

In view of what you have told me in the past about DS's thoughts, I have limited but not eliminated contact between DesperateMuch and the kids. Most of those occasions are in larger group settings. And I generally ask the kids before involving them in any event at which DesperateMuch will be present and make clear that it is okay for them to say no. They have willingly agreed to the limited times that they have seen DesperateMuch. I gave DS the present on DesperateMuch's behalf, and he seemed to like it quite a bit.

In any event, I believe the current practice is appropriate and sensitive to the kids, and I plan to keep it up. I don't believe there is anything to worry about. And I don't care for the idea of hiding a serious relationship from them. That said, we can talk about it more if you think that is necessary.

I should point out that they broke up once during the 2.5 years and he told her, "I like a lot of other women as much as I like you." My gut instinct is to go back to NC as he will rationalize anything I say from here on out, and I will just sound bitter.

[This message edited by Harriet at 2:25 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

prowoman posted 8/12/2014 14:38 PM

I think you made absolutely the right call here, and I agree with your decision to go NC now also. At least you got out of it his version of how things go. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can really do about it and any further discussion is unlikely to change the situation in a way favorable to you. Sending strength and sorry you are having to deal with this.

eta: I admire your calmness and grace in dealing with this including the wording in your letter. i aspire to be able to deal with my ex that gracefully.

[This message edited by prowoman at 2:40 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

Harriet posted 8/12/2014 15:48 PM

Thank you prowoman- that means a lot to me. We all muddle through this the best we can.

kg201 posted 8/12/2014 15:54 PM

Harriet, the best that you can do now is hope that what he says is true about that relationship lasting. Not much that you can do, even if it isn't.

As someone else on SI once said, "we have to be the best editors that we can be for our kids". If you X messes up, the best you can do is help your kids through it.

homewrecked2011 posted 8/12/2014 19:36 PM

My atty told me I really have no control over who XWH brings around my children....

One thing you might consider is having her investigated by a PI...That way if she is doing anything illegal (drugs, etc) you might be able to have proof delivered to your XWH. Not that it will change his mind....

FWIW, XWH says the exact stuff to me,,, like the kids are fine, he asks if OW and her son can come around, but the kids are not honest with him because he twists their words around also....

peridot posted 8/13/2014 01:35 AM

You did the right thing by saying something to him. I wouldn't bother saying anything else. Doesn't look like it would do any good.

I had a court order keeping the OW away from the kids. They broke it all the time. I took him to court and nothing was ever done. He just got a slap on the wrist and told not to do it again. I had pretty good reasons for keeping her away, she is a violent criminal. Still, the courts did nothing.

This will blow up in his face one day!

betrayedpregnant posted 8/13/2014 04:11 AM

oh my gosh harriet!!! I SOOO know how you feel. the same thing just happened to me like 5 minutes ago, really.

I came home late from work at 1030 pm i know Satan himself visited my baby angel at my house from 6pm to 7pm and DD(9) is with him since Tuesday is her day with him. And there I saw it: a birthday present for her (her birthday was a few days ago) , and it had Orangutan Princess handiwork written all over it!!!! I mean, Satan himself would not have put it in a gift bag with tissues stuffed in. And I felt upset.... yes, this is definitely a trigger for me as well. I mean, it's only been 5 1/2 months since Satan told me he loves me so much until he dies. and only 2 1/2 months since our little Angel was born. And he's already rubbing in his Orangutan Princess in my face, my daughter's face, and if he could, my baby's face too. Satan seems to looove rubbing salt into my wounds.

I ain't ever talking to Satan ever again unless it's for visitation purposes. I think if I call him out on his insensitivity, he would really ENJOY the extra attention. I'll save it for my therapist tomorrow.

I saw what your X wrote gosh he is a snake tongued devil.

Harriet posted 8/13/2014 10:13 AM

Thank you everyone. Now he wants to ask the kids how they feel about DesperateMuch, which misses the point entirely. *sigh*

On the other hand, she seems like she will do and put up with nearly anything for my ex, so I don't see any reason for him to leave her. So maybe it will last. She's really a strange woman, though. She is ideally suited for a narcissist.

I went out for a beer with a buddy and that was all it took - the roller coaster is already heading back up. Yay!

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