She was still as pretty as I remember. The physical attraction was there, and she had matured so much since we were together (it is why I ended our relationship). But, she was an ex for a reason. It was weird...she made it clear she too knew we could not pursue a relationship. But she kept telling me how she missed me, and how she wants to spend time together and just enjoy one another's company. Then she makes a move on me and tries to get physical. I wanted to because I knew I would at least be able to forget about the pain of my stbxww for at least a few hours. I just wanted to be happy and feel good. I wanted to be enjoyed by a caring woman. But I didn't. I was honest with her and I politely ended the evening. I had no idea how to explain it to her...all I said was "I want to be with you tonight so much that it worries me. I feel like I need it and that scares me. I needed my stbxww and it nearly killed me. I don't want to need any woman again. It has to be a want for me." I don't know if she understood what I meant by "need."
I went to bed and woke up and the first thing that I thought about was my stbxww's bullshit she has pulled since DD, and all the pain associated with it. At that moment I wished I had let this other woman stay over.
Is it true??? Is it true that one of the best ways to get over a woman is to get underneath another?? I always thought this was bullcrap. But I don't know now.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 1:55 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]
That's not to say down the road IN AT LEAST a year if you have done work on YOU to heal and are ready to play ball that it won't help at that point. But THIS SOON? IMHO recipe for disaster and added drama.
From my own experience, I have put myself out there since I separated when I felt I was ready to do so. The first person I was with sexually after separation was fun, enjoyable and showed me a lot about recovery. However, when we ended it a month later because of everything I was trying to get through divorce-wise, it became pretty damn painful. That showed me that I wasn't quite ready for that type of relationship. I have since been out with other women, but have a better grasp on how far I want to take those relationships and determining what I am ready for.
If it doesn't feel right, than it probably isn't. However, I will be completely honest with you regarding your question about getting over my STBXWW through sex - my encounter with that first woman definitely helped me transition away from my STBX. Regardless of how healthy that is, it is what it is.
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
Thank you. My gut kept me from going through with it and I am going to continue to listen to it. regardless of how difficult dealing with all the pain from by stbxww is, I won't patch it up or fog it up with a temporary distraction. Also, there is real motivation in wanting to reach a point when I am healed and no longer feel the pain of my stbx. This alone makes it easier to make these sorts of decisions.
So congratulations for being honest with yourself and her, and not just falling into bed because it would feel good. On top of doing the right thing for yourself you demonstrated the sort control none of our waywards were able to.
"I want to be with you tonight so much that it worries me. I feel like I need it and that scares me. I needed my stbxww and it nearly killed me. I don't want to need any woman again. It has to be a want for me." I don't know if she understood what I meant by "need."
Huge kudos to you for your honesty and for how far you've come already. You are very self-aware right now, and that's amazing.. You are making decisions that are best for YOU and doing what YOU want to do. (Don't listen to any moronic friends talking about getting underneath a woman to get over another one. What a horrible saying, barf..)
You recognized that this was a "need" for you, and that's great that you realize that it should be a "want." Sometimes I have that "need" too, where I want to be loved, held, appreciated, etc.. I think it's the typical "I don't miss my ex, but I miss my life, my hopes, my dreams, the plans we had and what my life was supposed to be.." Some silly fling isn't going to give me all that back..
You are absolutely right that being with her would have been for the wrong reasons, and probably not healthy for you. It's codependent to "need" someone.
I had a few "flings," but they don't make me feel any better. They kind of make me feel worse. They make me feel like a wayward, even though I wasn't cheating.
Sex and love to me just mean so much more than the physical, and it's actually really cool to me to have a man speak to those kinds of wants and needs too, the emotional ones.. You give me hope to find a good man JM
[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 10:40 PM, August 12th (Tuesday)]