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2 yrs and I'm still thinking....

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sad81712 posted 8/12/2014 15:30 PM

We have been recovering for 2 years. Things have been going in the right direction but..... I just can't get over he went onto a "married but looking" website, made a profile, started talking & meeting strange women!! His goal was to have sex! This just kills me. I just don't get it.

Please, please Help me wrap my head around they type of person that does that!!!! There are some days I can accept he did that but then like today...I just can't get past it

I have understanding of how people that work together and friendships can turn into affairs but not someone that just signs up on a website.

hopefull77 posted 8/12/2014 15:35 PM

Its hard for any of us to wrap our head around this stuff!!! I know exactly what you mean...I never saw it coming at all....
I am thankful for my distraction!
try to turn off the noise in your head....
Focus on forward motion.....

2married2quit posted 8/12/2014 15:37 PM

It's like a side of a person that sticks its ugly face and does serious damage. We all have some sort of dark side, but to let it go gotta be broken inside or something.

notanavrageangel posted 8/12/2014 16:04 PM

sad81712 -

Sorry you're here. My WH went on Ashley Madison. He has deep emotional issues that I wasn't aware of (FOO, feeling like a failure, emotional abuse as a child) to where when he created his profile, all he was thinking about was living in a fantasy world. The funny thing is, he tried to contact several people and only really spoke with 2 (one being the woman who ended up being OW). He is an extremely broken man. I couldn't wrap my head around this either knowing it was a place specifically to look for affairs, but I am starting to really believe that he WASN'T thinking about me at all, he was just selfish in trying to numb his own pain. You have to know that this wasn't about you. Has he really dug for his "WHY" to figure out why he did this and why that was his outlet?

sad81712 posted 8/12/2014 16:04 PM

Hopefull77, you're right about turing off the noise in my head. And I didn't see it coming and had no idea anything was going on or wrong with our M. I think I'm still in the place of if I "forget" it may sneak up on me again...even tho I trust him sounds like such a contradiction. Maybe it's what happens in the 2 yr "stage" of healing.

2married2quit, you're right too. He is soooo broken and has a lot of FOO issues.....also has a hard time with empathy and entitlement. Maybe I just answered my own question. But why why didn't I see this throughout our 20 year marriage?? Maybe that is the real issue I need to address. There is so much work to do

sad81712 posted 8/12/2014 16:18 PM

Hi notanavrageangle, Same with my fwh....was on Ashley Madison too. He also was emotionally abused and had failure issues because of FOO. He is just now understanding / believing this. I know it's all about him even tho 2 yrs ago he tried to blame me. It has taken 2 years to understand this and has started IC.
BTW- he signed up on AM when the business he start was going through big changes invoking a lot of stress and failure feelings. It was his escape.

Persevere19 posted 8/12/2014 16:25 PM

Yea in our 27 years never saw it coming. My WS had random Ashley Madison A's and one LTA for a year and a half. The last girl he met on line and they chatted then sent pictures, then he had a 4 day long sex fest with her. Then was caught. He told this girl he was married but was working on that and wanted to save his relationship with his children. He said he lied to her told her he loved her. He said he would say and do anything for sex and yet he always loved me. A broken person, a sex addict behaves this way. They only stop when. Caught and forced to make a choice to work on the marriage in IC and MC. There is no wrapping our minds around this stuff because they are psychotic. They are sick people who need help. Your WS has chosen to work on healing and your marriage. Hold them to the fire, but rest in the fact that we may never understand because it doesn't make sense. Good job on 2 yrs!!! You must be an incredible friend and person to offer R. Cheers!

notanavrageangel posted 8/12/2014 17:26 PM

sad81712 - I am so sorry its been taking him so long to figure out his "why" I am fortunate I guess in a way because my WH figured his out in his first IC (he had been in IC prior to the affair, but never got very deep, but luckily his IC knew his previous issues and was able to establish a pattern.

What happened is what his IC calls a "perfect storm". He was alread suffering from anxiety and panic disorder. He is still in school working on his BA, so he feels a failure in that way since we are 28, and I got my BA 5 years ago. He compares himself to me all the time, but school is much more difficult for some. He also was in a dead end job that he absolutely hated going to and was working full time, in school full time. He cut back on hours at work to reduce stress but then that caused financial stress, and he didn't like relying on me as the breadwinner. Then in the midst of all this, his IC went on maternity leave for 3 months. He started his AM account right before she left for maternity leave, but didn't meat OW until after the maternity leave had already started. This was kind of a tough relization for us both, because its hard not to wonder "what if" he had mentioned it to his IC, but then I think he may have just been so far down the "rabbit hole" at that point that he would have done it anyway. No way to know, so I try not to torture myself.

I understand the way you are feeling, and maybe because its taken a while to find his "why" that is why you're still suffering. It seems to me like he was searching for something to fill a void in himself (like my WH) and it potentially could have ended up in some other "void filling" activity like drug or alcohol abuse. Thats what my WH IC said to him anyway. I "luckily" caught him before he could do more destruction, but its still definitely a struggle everyday. I hope any of my words can help provide some kind of relief. I know it's hard to come by!

Cordelia posted 8/12/2014 17:36 PM

I was shocked to find my long-time partner went on Eharmony, when we were travelling and I suddenly became busy with freelance work that was difficult to turn down at the time. He said he was 'bored' and just wanted to talk to someone. He met that 'someone' when we got back and had a short-term affair.
I really never, never, thought he would do that, in a million years. I thought we were strong.

2married2quit posted 8/12/2014 20:02 PM

sad81712 - There's certain brokeness deep down inside in people that you may never suspect it's there. It's not your doing or fault. My FWW was sexually abused as a child. She carried this inside forever without letting anyone know. How was I suppose to know she was unhappy inside?

Support1107 posted 8/12/2014 22:59 PM

I couldn't wrap my head around the online crap either. My H went on numerous free websites and some were just sick and mostly scams. Back in January, I was in a dark place from everything and in an attempt to understand, I made an account on POF. I needed to know what the draw was. I didn't put a picture out there, I just said that I was bored and looking for something discrete. I was SHOCKED at the amount of married men that replied. Only my IC knows that I did this. There were so many fireman which I thought odd, but I couldn't believe it because I didn't even put a picture out there. They were open about their marital status too saying stupid crap like it's cheaper to keep her blah blah blah. I deleted the dumb account and came to realize that these people have serious issues as does my H.

The thing that I really don't get is how they claim to love their families and children yet they are out on crazy websites putting the people they love at risk, it just doesn't make sense. So I've come to accept that I will never make sense of it because it's just nonsense...plain & simple nonsense. My H is working on his issues but I already know his why but I haven't told him because he has to figure it out. I know that sounds strange but he was on all kinds of prescription drugs which completely pissed me off so I completely disengaged and he basically lost every relationship in his life because at the same time he became a hermit. He felt like a complete failure in every aspect of his life and to be honest, he really was during this time period at least in my eyes so he made these accounts and could be anybody else but himself. He was able to portray himself as a completely different person and the other idiots on these sites do the same. The online thing allows them to escape their reality and be whoever they want so I think that is what draws them in. Unfortunately when reality catches up with them, it's just too late.

2married2quit posted 8/13/2014 09:44 AM

Support1107 - There's no simple explanation. I'm not going to get on my high horse here and say that men are pigs. Well, some are, but for the most part, people get bored. People start wondering. The marriage goes through a transition and we're not getting what we need out of it anymore. Add to that any issues we may have. However, us in here know the repercussions of an affair. Our eyes are now OPEN to how we can deal with the marriage rut. Either you fight for it and build it up or you throw the towel and everyone's on the same page.

My "friend" (the OM), had an affair prior to messing around with my FWW. You would think he would know the signs. Some just don't get it. His BS forgave him once again.

steppingup posted 8/13/2014 10:13 AM

its like a good quote I saw recently.

"Once someone shows you who they really are believe them".

My WW has this odd idea that R is possible despite all the things she has done to me including having men in our home for sex. The idea of it I cannot even comprehend, much less to do it.

That's the thing my dear. You cannot deal with it because you cannot imagine yourself ever doing it and yet you HAVE to deal with the fact that your WH did do those things and wanted to have a private dirty sinful life behind your back while you cooked, cleaned, took care of children, worked your job, planned your vacations...all that, whatever you did. You were supposed to keep doing it and keep begin faithful to him why he went out has got his "jollys" ... I CALL BULL SHIT.

I'm sure he is still the hansome and providing man you married, but seriously, the kinds of men that do this and get away with it...there is a serious problem and its not just about sex, its about safety and trust. What else is he thinking about? Who knows.

Best of luck.

2married2quit posted 8/13/2014 10:50 AM

That's the thing my dear. You cannot deal with it because you cannot imagine yourself ever doing it and yet you HAVE to deal with the fact that your WH did

I think this is the knife right in your heart part. Yes, I flirted a bit and it was wrong. But to go ahead and allow yourself to have a full on affair with another married person behind your husband's back? WTF? I can NOT imagine me doing this behind my wife's back. However, I will say that I will never say never because I NEVER thought my FWW would do this. She agrees. She sometimes feels like it was some sort of nightmare.

I tell ya, when people know that your marriage is on the rocks, people come out of the woodworks. It's like, "'re unhappy? I am too, let's hook up". How the HELL am I suppose to do what was done to me to someone else? It's inconceivable. This pain I do not wish it upon anyone.

sad81712 posted 8/13/2014 11:25 AM

Thank you everyone....It's so hard to wrap your head around such sickness. It has helped (in a sad way) to know I'm not the only one who has to live with this mess. I'm so sorry you all have lived this pain too.

2married2quit posted 8/13/2014 11:54 AM

sad81712 - 2yrs and I am still thinking too.


apathetic1 posted 8/13/2014 15:48 PM

Stop trying to make sense out of senselessness. It will drive you crazy. We are 2.5 years post and a couple months ago I let go of the digging and reasoning. I have been better ever since. I grieved and accepted that I married someone who did not view marriage or love me as I loved him.

I spent months unable to sleep, crying, and lying in a pile on the floor. One day II decided it had to stop. I stopped the madness and went to expensive grief counselling because when all was said and done I endured a severe trauma and a loss. I came to terms with losing my marriage and someone I loved (we are still together).

Today we get along well and have lots of fun with our kids but things have changed. I no longer take care of him or cater to him, I don't wear my wedding rings, I never say I love you or anything of the sort. I put myself first, spend time doing what I want and don't worry about him. In a lot of ways it's been very liberating. The shock is gone and I'm happy to report I haven't cried in over 6 weeks!!

I spend the days examining what IS left! Our family/friends still get to enjoy both of us and our kids whenever they want. We keep our home and cars and our children remain unscathed. This is a hefty list of valuable for me to "settle" for!!

2married2quit posted 8/14/2014 13:36 PM

Today we get along well and have lots of fun with our kids but things have changed. I no longer take care of him or cater to him, I don't wear my wedding rings, I never say I love you or anything of the sort. I put myself first, spend time doing what I want and don't worry about him. In a lot of ways it's been very liberating. The shock is gone and I'm happy to report I haven't cried in over 6 weeks!!

I would say this is exactly where I'm at. I do get some anxieties from time to time. I do decide to stalk OM on FB from time to time and I hadn't cried in a long time, but broke down Monday on my drive home. Oh well, it was long over due.

sad81712 posted 8/14/2014 14:52 PM


I feel your pain. I don't write on here often b/c I don't feel qualified to give advice and have a hard time expressing my feelings in writing..... but, I've followed your story. Our Ddays are very close and we've both been married for long 20some years. We have a lot of history with our spouses. But, you where betrayed by two people! That's a lot of shit to work through.
I hope your long over due cry helped. Those always seem to help me.

Some things I've experienced in year 2: apathy, more self care, enjoyment of my kids & life, frustration, understanding, stronger love and hate for my fwh. My list could go on but not sure if it means anything to anyone.

I wish there was a playbook to follow for each stage of surviving infidelity. There is a lot to read when you first discover it but not on what you go through during year 2.... or what year 3 will bring......

apathetic1 posted 8/14/2014 15:46 PM

Sad81712 and 2married2quit...

I also share your d-days May 2012. Sounds like we are all on the same page at 2+ years out. That's why I chose apathetic for my name. There are no highs or lows now, just indifference.

I won't leave, terrified of divorce. But though I'm present things are quite vacant.

Best to you both!!

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