SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is my first time posting in NB. I took a break from SI for awhile. First I want to say that I am happy. I got run over and sheesh it hurt. Somewhere along the way I found me again though and feel better than I have in years. That being said I need some solid SI wisdom

I have been dating a really nice guy for about two months. Taking it slow just enjoying things. I feel really solid. I had a few triggers about trust but quickly recognized them and knew they were mine. I put myself out there by deciding to date this guy. I have good boundaries with my XWH and I'm a great mom. Here the problem... BF has been separated from his ex (never married they have a DD3) for a year and a half. When we first started talking he said they were amicable and friends. I said I was amicable in speaking with my ex but we are not friends. He knows what XWH did and has opinions about it. For me I'm indifferent and I am comfortable with my life. It turns out that BF's amicable situation is only amicable as long as he does everything his baby mama wants and he listens to her complain about her boyfriends.

This past weekend was his DD bday party at his ex's house. My kids and I were invited. Due to our busy schedules our kids have met and really like each other and have had fun together. This would be the first meeting of his ex and I and I was very comfortable with it. The night before the party she uninvited us and ripped a shred out of him all the sudden saying he doesn't do enough etc. I calmly told him not to worry about it and said that my kids and I would be fine. I won't create drama and will not be an added stress in his life plus its his DD's bday. I guess he's been getting an earful about his "deficiencies". This is a decent guy he takes his DD every chance he gets (which ends up being more than 50%) he gives his ex money even though she makes more than him and it's shared custody??? they have never legally dealt with their situation and it's pretty obvious they haven't drawn their lines. I think me being around has blown the imaginary amicable out of the water. You have to be pretty insecure to uninvited children from a bday party.

Today I got a text explaining that he is so stressed, he's stuck in his shitty apartment and he needs to work harder (he works 6 days a week) to give his DD more and he's worried he is a bad father. He said he was sorry for being distant and hurting me and the kids. He also said he needs time and space to think. I responded that I am ok with who I am and that he did not hurt us. I told him that I understand needing time and space. I also said that he knows where I am if he wants to talk and that I'm sorry he's feeling so crappy.

Maybe I just needed to put this out in the world I'm bummed at the prospect that he might not grow balls and deal with his situation but there is nothing I can do. I really like him and up until now he seemed like he had it together. His ex's drama has put him in a very bad place. She seems like toxic waste... a user and abuser. I don't know if I should stick around? or how to feel about it??

I think he will have conflict in any relationship until he sorts his boundaries out with his ex. You can advise him, but ultimately, he has to want this for himself.

I'm sure there are other's who have more experience in this area than I do, so hopefully they come along soon.

Good luck, and I'm glad you are happy

Thank-you Crescita. Yeah I think you are right. It's sad because I've worked so hard on my own boundaries only to go out and meet someone who is so scared to set his own. I see the flag and am starting to think he's the one not ready to date. Ugh. In IC my big thing was that I will never be responsible for someone else's happiness. I want to give but everything in me knows he's got to figure out his stuff on his own. big step... that regardless I'm really OK with me.

That's too bad. Sorry. This guy can't be a good partner until he learns he can't be friends with this ex. And that you don't make real friends by giving in to their every demand.

This post triggered me a bit. If you read my signature, it will tell you why.

I am not saying that this guy will hook back up with his baby momma but he definitely has problems with boundaries. And his ex knows how to push them to get what she wants. This is going to be a dynamic HE has to change but it sounds like, from what you wrote, he'd rather change his relationship with you rather than rock the boat with her.

He needs to get custody and child support formalized thru the court. If he doesn't, this woman will always have him by the balls. She will remain in control. How can this guy have a steady relationship with anyone when he doesn't know what his life will be like from one day to the next? The answer is -- he can't.

I think you should welcome this time apart (him needing space, it sounds) and think really hard about whether you can take this situation "as-is".

((yestopants))

The advice you have received so far is very good. In particular the parting gift you could give this guy is solid advice and push to go get his boundaries set up by the court. Since he can't establish those boundaries he needs help...that is what the legal system is ideally there for.

Thank-you for the advice. I'm bummed because he is a really nice guy. He's just putting all his energy in the wrong places. I keep thinking of that saying "nice guys finish last".

Well I'm giving him space and if he returns with some boundaries and balls I might stick around. I'm in no rush. I'm not going to hold my breath or get involved though

((IrishGirlVA)) I've wondered if the lack of boundaries and their "friendship" could mean setting myself up for future heartbreak. Right now their relationship is a sexless horrible marriage in which she pulls the strings. I've already been in a 3 way marriage and got out! don't need another! moving very cautiously on this. I'm glad I'm going slow.

I'm going through something similar. Have a thread on General about her probably sending him an inappropriate email recently

I think my pWH has gotten better at boundaries with her, but this has always been an issue and always will be. If you hadn't said the age of his DD I would have wondered if they are the same woman!

I hate to say it, but if you are not totally attached to this guy yet, I would back off and give yourself some "space" too, kwim. It's really weak behavior, a man should be able to get respect and set his own lines in the sand and demand they be respected, not dilly dally around and let him self by jerked around like a puppet.

This is probably always going to be an issue in my M. Like you, there have been times I've tried to be 'the cool one', all it does it make for awkward situations, annoys me, and allows ex to have her way and continue with her unhealthy attachment to him. Plus, it allows the DD to think she is the center of the universe of a bunch of adults. Like she is the exception to the common sense rules of how normal exes move on. She's not a bad kid, but I'm dreading the day she might start exhibiting self centered behavior due to this dynamic her mother constantly tries to perpetuate.

Everyone is right in that this is his issue to deal with. Certainly it is obvious he needs to get court-ordered support and visitation guidelines so that she cannot continue to bully him (but he lets her, which is another thing).

I may be the lone voice of dissent here, but I think it was highly insensitive of him to ask that you and your children be invited to her daughter's birthday that she is hosting. Knowing that their dynamic tended to be dramatic, I am shaking my head as to why you would want to uncork this can of worms.

I have been dating my SO for 4 years. He has grown children, and he was divorced close to 1.5 years and separated for 6 months before that when we met. Although there is no drama, I realize my presence would cause hurt feelings with his ex, so I butt out of "family" stuff. No drama, no hurt feelings and the focus of the family event can be on something other than my SO's life.

He needs to button things up legally, and he also needs to get a clue as to how he incorporates you into his life. After two months, being invited to a social occasion his ex is hosting is not proper.

Cat

Catwoman- I agree with you. It was not him that invited us...It was his ex through him and she continually asked if we were going still? which I thought was strange. I was ok with going because he said they had a good understanding and that it was for his daughter who really likes my children. The weirdness started after I had already accepted and didn't blow up till the night before the party. I wonder what game this all was?

Personally I think he did think things were all good and this was a bit of a wake up call. I think how he deals with it will make up my mind. I'm leaning toward the walk away lesson learned camp. Life is too short and getting caught up in someone else's toxic waste after I've had my fair share in not my idea of a NB kwim. Do I really want a life filled with this?

I appreciate the back up and letting me air my thoughts. Love SI

Also, I feel like his ex probably has that attitude of " our child should always come first!". This is a mind-set I loathe.

First off, the respect of a wife or SO is as important as the appeasement or wishes of a child or in this case ex. They are just different places. Obvoiusly, our role as a parent is different than our role as spouse. I never understood why the respect of one needs to come at the disrespect of the other -- in a situation like this it is the spouse who is the one disrespected in order to "respect" the wishes of the child/baby mama/ex.

And believe me, the time is coming soon where ex can simply set back and let the DD make the demands, because the child is growing up around an environment where boundaries are crossed "for her", her wishes will be top priority, she will expect to always have mommy and daddy together at any event in her life, will grow up watching daddy's SOs be told they are on the backburner compared to her bday parties, etc . Really it's the mom using the DD to stay close to the ex but soon the ex won't even have to make much of the effort to keep this dynamic afloat, DD will do it for her if he keeps letting himself get run over.

The weirdness started after I had already accepted and didn't blow up till the night before the party. I wonder what game this all was?

She probably assumed you would decline based on as I said above, it's going to awkward at the very least I think. But you accepted, and she then blew a gasket. She was really hoping she could look like she had no ulterior motives by inviting you, but then she really hoped you wouldn't come and she would have your SO all to herself and her DD that day.

she's still trying to get time with him for herself. I have an ex I have kids with, and the last thing I want to do is spend bday parties and special events with him. We are all exes for a reason.

These woman... it's so obvious what they are doing...

It is really obvious that this is all a game to her. Maybe I'm the one that needs space to process this! ugh I don't want to get caught up in drama. I really hope that one day I find someone who's a nice guy and has a handle on his life.

Personally, someone you've been dating two months doesn't need to include you or your kids with his children or his ex.

Long ago when I first started dating my now-SO, he wanted to tell his daughter we were dating just a few short weeks into us meeting. His daughter was in college at the time. I gently discouraged him, pointing out that maybe he would be best to tell her he had decided to start dating vs. hit her with someone new. There were other dynamics involved, but my concern was that he should keep this away from his children at that time. Bear in mind these were all young adults!

Maybe a good look at your boundaries is warranted. Why are you involving your kids and his child just two months in?

Cat

Catwoman-

Maybe a good look at your boundaries is warranted. Why are you involving your kids and his child just two months in?

This is a risk I took. I accept that. I am going to be more cautious with the kids and probably do need to assess those boundaries. I won't shelter them from life either and going to the park to hang with friends (BF and his DD) wasn't the end of the world. I never made a big deal about the party to the kids so they took it in stride. Thank-you for your advice I probably should be careful it could have been worse for the kids.

boundaries with new SO kids...I think everyone has a different view of this and it depends on many things.

In your case, I don't think seeing his DD after a couple of months being together is unreasonable. and from what I'm understanding, the ex is the one that invited you, so it's not like you insisted on crashing a 3 yr old bday party so you could piss on your man territory lol. But I think she had ulterior motives for inviting you and it backfired on her.

I see the main issue here is that he is still even in a position to have bday parties with the ex. Gee why don't they just get back together if they need to share and spend every single kid event together?? Like I said I've been in a similar position. Even if he wasn't with you, why hasn't he moved on to a position of being able to parent his DD without his ex and spend bdays with her without the mom?

I really don't think it is a good idea to involve kids, particularly young ones, with an SO or their kids until you have some idea the relationship is going to last.

My kids were forced to be involved with the OW's kids. They hated it at first, but they soon got attached. When that relationship exploded, they were hurt that their lives had to be disrupted again. I really am a big believer in keeping the dating life and the parent life separate for the most part. My kids know and like my SO, and his younger two (older two live abroad) know and like me. But we are careful about spending time with our kids just 1:1 and not creating situations where drama might erupt.

Cat

I agree with Catwoman on the timing with involving kids- and this situation that you're in is a good example of why one should wait.

I don't think kids need to be involved in their parent's dating lives until that SO becomes closer to fiance status. Two months of dating? That's nothing really...and after two months of dating this really nice guy, you may have to break it off. Six months isn't even long enough (for me), because I don't want my kids having to see a possible revolving door of people in and out of their lives.

Just a thought...

Most of us got married thinking the relationship would last, so you just never know.

Unless there is a revolving door of overnight partners I don't see much harm. My ex has introduced our kids to more women then I would like, but they are never too bothered by any of it and there is nothing I can do.

My husband's ex threw a fit over me meeting their child "too soon", yet she has broken up and gotten back together with a guy over and over. With lovely Facebook drama that my ss witnesses.

As for the op, the I'm confused part would be enough for me to say forget it. Sounds like he is waiting on his ex to say she wants to get back together.

[This message edited by hummingbird8 at 7:19 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

I am going to proceed with caution with the kids. They have been through enough. I don't want a revolving door and am not that kind of person. I was trusting in believing that he had a handle on his situation. Like I said it was only the park so far.

I did hear from him last night. I was out with friends and he just sent a text saying he was very depressed and angry. He said he thought he should seek help. I encouraged him to do so and left it at that.

I think that he really thought they had it figured out and convinced himself she isn't so bad. He has dated before me and I have a feeling his ex was able to convince him its other people that can't handle them being friends. BF has his DD extra again this week so his ex could go out with her BF (she actually has a revolving door). The woman is toxic. I am keeping at a safe distance.