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it's been a month and I'm more confused then ever. ..

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Aamkj posted 8/12/2014 21:54 PM

I don't even know where to start. My ws and I are separated (1 week now). We have been married 20 years and have 5 kids together (20,19,14,9,6). My ws is in the military and I have followed him all over the world. I thought we had a good marriage and seemed happy. I not only found out about an affair, but many affairs throughout our marriage. I am so hurt and confused. I don't understand why he stayed with me all those years. I feel like my life was a lie and stolen from me. The minute I found out about this affair he became really cold and mean to me (which is unlike him). I told him I was willing to try, but he had to give her up. He refused so I was going to take the kids and leave go back to my home state to be near family. He says he is confused. He gives me mixed feelings constantly.One day he wants to try then he doesn't. I told her husband and the affair ended. I guess he must of loved her because he threw me and the kids away for a 4 month affair where the OP always maintained she wouldn't leave her husband. The OP and her husband are working things out. I have committed to stay for a year then me and the kids are leaving.I still love him, but he apparently has issues that he needs to work on. I honestly don't even believe he is truly sorry. He also has a porn addiction. He is starting IC this week. I have been going to my own IC. This is my question. ws wants to act like nothing happened. He wants to come over all the time, call and text, See me at the kids events and gets mad when I don't want to sit next to him etc. He asks me if I want to try, but then the next day wants to buy himself a new bedroom set. Everyone tells me I'm being too kind to him. I'm trying to right by my kids and not make things harder for them. I know I need to set boundaries for him. ...I just don't what they should be. Sorry this is so long. Thanks for listening!

tfkeel posted 8/13/2014 05:02 AM

The boundaries should be what YOU want them to be.

.my ws wants to act like nothing happened.

I remember. Mine became a politician. Her statement was, "nothing happened. And what ever did happen wasn't my fault."

She wanted me to take all the responsibility, and do all the work to heal the marriage, while she just remained as she was.

It is your H who needs to "try". But, your H is clearly unrepentant. My personal opinion (and the one I was guided by when it happened to me) is that unrepentant doesn't work for me.

[This message edited by tfkeel at 5:10 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

Lalagirl posted 8/13/2014 06:32 AM

Welcome, Aamkj.

Your WH clearly has issues that you alone cannot fix. If he is not willing to do the work that is absolutely necessary to R (reconcile), the M is not going to survive. You cannot do this alone and you cannot fix him or nice him back to you. He needs help far beyond what you can provide.

He needs help...professional help. He clearly does not have the ability to stay monogamous (you say he has been unfaithful throughout your M), and he needs to get to the root of why.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Nothing you did, said, didn't say, etc., had any bearing on his choice (NOT mistake) to be unfaithful.

Please read in the Healing Library (upper left-hand corner of this page) and read, read, read. Especially the 180. This is for YOU...and it will help you gain the strength you need no matter what the outcome of the M. There are also several threads for newbies that would be very beneficial for you...(asking an SI member to please post them on this thread for her as I cannot recall all of them).

Please also seek IC for yourself and don't hesitate to ask for medication to help you sleep. And please eat, drink, and exercise...this is imperative to your healing. If you cannot keep food down, drink protein shakes.

Others will be along with more words of wisdom. Please keep posting...we're here for you and will be here every step of the way.



[This message edited by Lalagirl at 6:33 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/13/2014 10:40 AM

Doing right by your kids also means giving them the chance to have a healthy, happy, and emotionally secure mama. I know lack of money is a big issue but no amount of toys, clothes, square footage will make up for living in an unhappy and insecure home.

I said things like that to cover for my fear of being on my own. Staying in an unhappy home is harder on the children than leaving. Make sure you aren't using them as an excuse for your fears. You need to be honest with yourself first and foremost.

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