Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Mercedes66 (46046)

User Topic: I was matched with my XH
Runningaway
♀ 30707
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 1:16 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I decided to give OLD another try, with another site, different perspective, and no photo. Thank god. After spending hours filling out personality assessments I get a list of their best matches for me. Guess who's #1? XH. I will say again thank god no photo. I hope he didn't know it was me. I panicked and blocked him. I hope that does what I think it does.

I want to date. I want someone to go do couple things with. I have great friends, and I am busy a lot but I would make time for this.

I am wondering if it is normal that I am so embarrassed at the thought my XH would know I am on a dating website? I know a lot of people do it. He is doing it, and that doesn't bother me. I feel like I'm hiding something. I have messages that I am scared to check. Like it was fun until people noticed me now I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't know why I feel this way.

This has been a tough year (2014) but also very good. Very productive. I have completed the bulk of my repairs for my house, I really am starting to like my new neighborhood, the kids are more settled. My oldest was very sick but is recovering well.

Rereading that to myself makes me think I may just not be ready to date.
I think the universe is telling me to go finish painting my house. I may need to go back to counseling.


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Bluebird26
♀ 36445
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 1:25 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you will find it happens a lot when you are matched with an ex spouse. You probably have similar interests, similar age range, similar location. All those algorithms will link those things and suggest a match for you.

I would just laugh it off, BTDT

Life is different now, probably not where you would even imagined you would be (dating again).

If you feel you are ready to share your life again, I would trust that.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1409 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
Runningaway
♀ 30707
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 2:41 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You probably have similar interests, similar age range, similar location. All those algorithms will link those things and suggest a match for you.

Thank you, that makes so much more sense than some underlying evil plot to destroy my happiness!


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
cayc
♀ 21964
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:26 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When it comes to being ready to date, there is fear/discomfort that is instilled because it's too soon, you just don't have the mental bandwidth to think about adding another person to your life or don't have your teflon in place yet to emotionally handle all the weird that comes with dating.

And then there's fear based upon the fact that dating, especially when you first start out, is uncomfortable as all get out and sometimes it's easier to say discomfort equals not ready, when instead it really equals you're outside your comfort zone, don't know what to expect, and don't like feeling that when since the last time you had those feelings, you were what? 20? 25?

Sit with your feelings for awhile. Browse the OLD site but don't make your profile visible yet. And do that with the mind of examining your fear and determining the source. That'll help you see if you're ready or not


"I'm not afraid of storms, for I'm learning how to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott

Posts: 3207 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 9:21 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think you take that as the universe playing a silly joke on you.

Block the joker and move on to #2.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 804 | Registered: Aug 2013
wontdefineme
♀ 31421
Member # 31421
Default  Posted: 9:39 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was matched to my new boss. I too didn't have a picture. Won't be using OLD any time soon.

Posts: 2187 | Registered: Mar 2011
Runningaway
♀ 30707
Member # 30707
Default  Posted: 2:30 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all, it helps sometimes to write it out.

I was matched to my new boss
you win, that would be worse I think

And then there's fear based upon the fact that dating, especially when you first start out, is uncomfortable as all get out and sometimes it's easier to say discomfort equals not ready, when instead it really equals you're outside your comfort zone, don't know what to expect, and don't like feeling that when since the last time you had those feelings, you were what? 20? 25?

Yes, this. I hate not being good at something. I was 16 when I moved in with XH, I'm 36 now. I don't know how to act single and date and I'm likely stalling. Blaming it on the universe. My kids have even mentioned to me that they would be ok with me dating. The problem is in my own head.


What doesn't kill us makes us smaller. - Mario

Posts: 270 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Canada
Artemisia
♀ 40564
Member # 40564
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just a quick chime-in: I would barf if I were matched with my ex. Seriously. Gross. Seeing him on a dating site? Blech.

Maybe I too still have things to work out?

Love you, SI Peeps, and thanks for posting Running. So good to know there's people who know how we feel.

*typo edit*

[This message edited by Artemisia at 11:32 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Posts: 117 | Registered: Sep 2013
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 11:40 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cayc - Great post. Lots to think about there.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26545 | Registered: Aug 2011
ISPIFFD
♀ 26367
Member # 26367
Default  Posted: 9:26 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's one of many reasons why I'm not doing the OLD thing. I put up a profile very very briefly, but with no pic and very little real info, but then took it down shortly thereafter out of fear that XWH would somehow see my profile anyway.

It's also way too triggery for me. The entire three years of false R were false because I discovered XWH had been active on dating sites the entire time. He signed up with both PoF and OkC pretty much the day after I found out about his affair back in Jan 2008.

While I don't actually think we have that much in common, I know that I'm either going to lie to make sure he doesn't match with me (which sort of defeats the point of putting up a profile in the first place) or I just won't be on OLD at all. That's much easier


Me: BW (55)
Him: WH (62)
7/14/11 - Divorced

Posts: 1907 | Registered: Nov 2009 | From: another world
Topic Posts: 10

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.