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I was matched with my XH

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Runningaway posted 8/13/2014 01:16 AM

I decided to give OLD another try, with another site, different perspective, and no photo. Thank god. After spending hours filling out personality assessments I get a list of their best matches for me. Guess who's #1? XH. I will say again thank god no photo. I hope he didn't know it was me. I panicked and blocked him. I hope that does what I think it does.

I want to date. I want someone to go do couple things with. I have great friends, and I am busy a lot but I would make time for this.

I am wondering if it is normal that I am so embarrassed at the thought my XH would know I am on a dating website? I know a lot of people do it. He is doing it, and that doesn't bother me. I feel like I'm hiding something. I have messages that I am scared to check. Like it was fun until people noticed me now I don't want to deal with this anymore. I don't know why I feel this way.

This has been a tough year (2014) but also very good. Very productive. I have completed the bulk of my repairs for my house, I really am starting to like my new neighborhood, the kids are more settled. My oldest was very sick but is recovering well.

Rereading that to myself makes me think I may just not be ready to date.
I think the universe is telling me to go finish painting my house. I may need to go back to counseling.

Bluebird26 posted 8/13/2014 01:25 AM

I think you will find it happens a lot when you are matched with an ex spouse. You probably have similar interests, similar age range, similar location. All those algorithms will link those things and suggest a match for you.

I would just laugh it off, BTDT

Life is different now, probably not where you would even imagined you would be (dating again).

If you feel you are ready to share your life again, I would trust that.

Runningaway posted 8/13/2014 02:41 AM

You probably have similar interests, similar age range, similar location. All those algorithms will link those things and suggest a match for you.

Thank you, that makes so much more sense than some underlying evil plot to destroy my happiness!

cayc posted 8/13/2014 06:26 AM

When it comes to being ready to date, there is fear/discomfort that is instilled because it's too soon, you just don't have the mental bandwidth to think about adding another person to your life or don't have your teflon in place yet to emotionally handle all the weird that comes with dating.

And then there's fear based upon the fact that dating, especially when you first start out, is uncomfortable as all get out and sometimes it's easier to say discomfort equals not ready, when instead it really equals you're outside your comfort zone, don't know what to expect, and don't like feeling that when since the last time you had those feelings, you were what? 20? 25?

Sit with your feelings for awhile. Browse the OLD site but don't make your profile visible yet. And do that with the mind of examining your fear and determining the source. That'll help you see if you're ready or not

kg201 posted 8/13/2014 09:21 AM

I think you take that as the universe playing a silly joke on you.

Block the joker and move on to #2.

wontdefineme posted 8/13/2014 21:39 PM

I was matched to my new boss. I too didn't have a picture. Won't be using OLD any time soon.

Runningaway posted 8/14/2014 02:30 AM

Thank you all, it helps sometimes to write it out.

I was matched to my new boss
you win, that would be worse I think

And then there's fear based upon the fact that dating, especially when you first start out, is uncomfortable as all get out and sometimes it's easier to say discomfort equals not ready, when instead it really equals you're outside your comfort zone, don't know what to expect, and don't like feeling that when since the last time you had those feelings, you were what? 20? 25?

Yes, this. I hate not being good at something. I was 16 when I moved in with XH, I'm 36 now. I don't know how to act single and date and I'm likely stalling. Blaming it on the universe. My kids have even mentioned to me that they would be ok with me dating. The problem is in my own head.

Artemisia posted 8/14/2014 11:31 AM

Just a quick chime-in: I would barf if I were matched with my ex. Seriously. Gross. Seeing him on a dating site? Blech.

Maybe I too still have things to work out?

Love you, SI Peeps, and thanks for posting Running. So good to know there's people who know how we feel.

*typo edit*

[This message edited by Artemisia at 11:32 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]

nowiknow23 posted 8/14/2014 11:40 AM

cayc - Great post. Lots to think about there.

ISPIFFD posted 8/15/2014 09:26 AM

That's one of many reasons why I'm not doing the OLD thing. I put up a profile very very briefly, but with no pic and very little real info, but then took it down shortly thereafter out of fear that XWH would somehow see my profile anyway.

It's also way too triggery for me. The entire three years of false R were false because I discovered XWH had been active on dating sites the entire time. He signed up with both PoF and OkC pretty much the day after I found out about his affair back in Jan 2008.

While I don't actually think we have that much in common, I know that I'm either going to lie to make sure he doesn't match with me (which sort of defeats the point of putting up a profile in the first place) or I just won't be on OLD at all. That's much easier

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