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scream posted 8/13/2014 06:05 AM

Any of you live with the constant fear of loss? That at any moment your spouce will say its over. You wake up in the morning and go to work and wonder all day if you will have a home to actually go home to. Your thoughts go from one extreme thought to another. And its not an all that extreme thought. The damage to our marriages and the hurt we inflict. Its a wonder any marriage can survive.

Do we continue to make mistakes and bad choices out of that fear? Do I avoid conflicts with my wife out of that fear? I don't want to hurt her any more. I don't want to make stupid choices any more. So why do I continue to doit? I know there are consiquences to those choices. I know it will ever do more harm than good. But I can't stop myself.

Mature people with what seems to be a healthy life seem to have it licked. So is it just imaturity? Or is it a fear of loss. I don't want to lose my marriage. I don't want to lose my wife. I don't want to be the reason she is so unhappy. At this point I understand I am. But I want that to change. I know I will make mistakes and some bad choices through out the rest of my life. I can only make sure they aren't the kind that make my wife feel like she isn't a priority. "If everything you do is wrong, then the oppisite must be right!".

Can this fear be over come? Can we find the strength in ourselves to step out and let things happen?

trip3 posted 8/13/2014 08:42 AM

I was scared to talk to my wife for the last two months. She was mad all the time, and if I said anything to her she'd snap at me. One night we were watching something on TV and she asked me who an actress was. She was some 5th level character on the show and I couldn't find her on IMDB, so we got into a fight about that. The wife threw the remote on the floor and told me to sleep on the couch.

It's insane to be scared to talk to your spouse! And I'm fearful that she'll kick me out of the house tomorrow if the mood hits her. She's not actively mad now, and we've been talking a lot (without any thrown objects), but the fear is still there.

somethingremorse posted 8/13/2014 08:50 AM

Sure, I am afraid. Right now, it isn't all of the time, or even every day. But I bet it's every other day.

I am not perfect about sharing things with BW. She's in the "I don't want to know details" camp. So I realize that I haven't had my feet to the fire nearly as much as you or others here. I know that I am better about my day to day emotions, but it still sometimes takes a little bit to process what I am feeling, and then how to say it.

Two things help me. One is to stop and think before I do anything. I have used this to avoid talking to coworkers about personal stuff, or to avoid saying things that may trigger BW. I think I am doing a decent job at thinking before acting.

The second thing is more general. I have let go of the outcome. The bad things I did are in the past. I can't change them. I am determined to not repeat my mistakes. I hope that is enough for my BW. At the same time, I know that I will be OK. I actually know my BW will be OK, too. I will still have a relationship with my kids.

It sounds pretty callous when I write it out like that. I don't intend it that way. I am going to do absolutely everything to stay with my BW and to strenghten my M and family. I don't want to lose a minute of time with either. If we don't make it, it will tear me apart. But I know that I can put myself together. That helps.

Hang in there.

scream posted 8/13/2014 09:07 AM

Thanks. All responses help

StartingFreshNow posted 8/13/2014 09:19 AM

I go back and forth and what I find scarier is when I lose that fear. When I stop worrying he's just going to say he's done. Then I really worry about where my heart is at and what I am doing. The fear of loss lets me know I care and am trying my hardest, when it disappears I'm terrified that means I'm changing back to my "old" ways.

trip3 posted 8/13/2014 09:30 AM

The second thing is more general. I have let go of the outcome. The bad things I did are in the past

That's a good attitude to have. You don't have any control over the outcome of how your BW will feel or react to something you say, especially if she's all over the place emotionally. Like I said in an earlier post, my wife was mad as hell for months, so there wasn't anything I could say to her without getting a really rude response or her leaving the house to go get food by herself.

You said the bad things are in the past. That just means you have to do good things from here on out. It'll make you a better person and a better spouse in the long run.

remorsefulww posted 8/13/2014 09:42 AM

I absolutely have that fear that BH at any second will say it's over and he's done. Just as somethingsremorse said you have to let go of the outcome. I thought I had did that, but without knowing it I was still trying to control the happiness of our future.

About 3 weeks ago I read a post here and it clicked. I started just being happy for the day and being grateful that BH was still here and finally let go. BH has hit the anger stage and with our talk lastnight he made mention of the change in me and said it has helped him through this.

let go of that fear because without knowing it you're trying to control the outcome. Be happy for the day and you will see a change.

scream posted 8/13/2014 09:58 AM

Thank you. I have tried to let it go. And on occasion I was able to. But it still lingers. I know I don't deserve this woman. I know she doesn't deserve to be shit on by a man like me. So that knoweledge creeps in and I start to think that she won't be there anymore. And then those thoughts cloud my better judgement.

Don't let this thing be a trigger, don't say something stupid, don't do anything stupid. And then all that happens. Over 2 years out and I still can't shake these bad choices. I'm not having another affair, or inappropriate contact. Just not trusting in myself or my wife. And feeling as afraid as ever that it is controlling me. Fear of loss is a most powerful emoition and thought process. And its on my mind all the time.

TheWorstCase posted 8/13/2014 10:51 AM


Im so sorry you are struggling with this feeling. I too struggle with not wanting to be abandoned when I know in my heart that NOW I'm being so much better of a spouse. I like what was said about letting go of the outcome. I also want to encourage you to take charge of the present. What does she really like to do together? What would she say if you just asked her to take a walk in a nearby park with her, or asked her if you could give her a massage tonight? What are things that she normally takes the initiative to do around the house or to be intimate that you could instead initiate yourself? What if you told her you were feeling bad about what you have done in the past, and want to hear about how it is continuing to affect her today? Don't make the mistake of thinking you are helpless to change the outcome. There are plenty of things you can do to show you care, even if you can't control her, you have absolute control over yourself. If at first you don't succeed, be patient, and try, try again.

somethingremorse posted 8/13/2014 11:23 AM

You don't have any control over the outcome of how your BW will feel or react to something you say

This isn't quite the way that I think about it. I need to be mindful of what I do today, and think about how BW may react to it.

I am saying that if BW decides she cannot get over my betrayals over the last few years, there is nothing I can do to erase those.

You said the bad things are in the past. That just means you have to do good things from here on out. It'll make you a better person and a better spouse in the long run.

This is all we can do. I hope with everything I have that it is good enough, but I understand that it might not be.

scream posted 8/13/2014 11:32 AM

Your right I can't control the outcome. In that I can't control how and what she decides. I can influence the choice maybe. And with that my choices are a part of it. But the fear of losing this woman and knowing its my fault tears at me. All the time. I wish I could let some of it go so I can give her what she wants. I don't want to be so afraid of losing her. But knowing all I have done I guess I wonder why she has stayed. And maybe she will wake up and realize she is making a mistake staying.

I don't want that to happen. For her to wake up one day and think I'm so glad we fought through this is what I want. I'm just not able to let that thought over power the fear of losing her.

islesguy posted 8/13/2014 16:01 PM


Yes, I always feel this way and it has been a snowball effect because my fear of loss has contributed to a pattern of minimizing that I still have not be able to stop (last Saturday). I feel like the sky is falling all the time.

scream posted 8/14/2014 07:55 AM

I like to say it feels like I'm running on the tracks of the karma train. Everything I have done to hurt my wife is bearing down on me. And its a big,long,fast and powerful train.

I did things to my wife that will leave emotional scars for the rest of her life. The wounds heal but the scars will be a constant reminder. There may come a day when she has forgiven me. But you never forget the the pain and who caused it. I believe that my wife is capable of loving me again. If she wasn't we wouldn't be working this hard. I believe in myself now enough that I know I will be the husband and man she wants.

But that train keeps on rolling. And I may not be able to get out of its way. I sometimes think I don't deserve to get out of its way. Its the price you pay for the things you do in your life. To the people you love. And I love her above all others. May she find it in herself to to find happiness and love again.

TheWorstCase posted 8/14/2014 14:01 PM

Scream, the way you frame it sounds very debilitating. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other right now, and don't let that train derail your efforts to get to that greener grass. (see what I did there?) Do your best, and keep doing your best, and then you will have no choice but to feel a bit better about yourself little by little. It sounds like your emotional tank is low. Go get some fresh air, talk to a family member or friend, and I hope you feel more empowered as a result.

scream posted 8/14/2014 14:26 PM

Just came back from an IC session. And in a way it feels better. I wrote my wife a letter before I left. Wanted her to know what I was thinking. It may not make any difference in what may happen but I put it in her hands as to how I feel.

I believe I am true struggling with depression at this moment. Its a sadness at the loss of who I thought I was becoming. It was a mistake. I can get back to where and who I was. But for this time I'm very disaapointed in myself. And I should be. Mistakes happen and I make mine. Now I need to learn from it and what ever consequence it may bring. Giving her space now is just one.

toasted22 posted 8/15/2014 02:55 AM

I know this fear well.

Over two years into this from DD and it still comes back to haunt me.

I focus on any encouragements I might get from my BS and from my IC. I don't base my feelings on my interpretation of reality. I keep checking my reality with others.

Also I have learned to listen, deeply. That is mostly what my BS wants. Even though I may not be able to answer all the questions I can still be there and listen to the heart that I have hurt

scream posted 8/15/2014 09:38 AM

Fear is a funny thing. Can totally take us over. It will take a lot hard work and and constant evaluation on myself to keep it in check. I need to learn to leave the fear outside the door when I get home.

Wife and I made a proactive action list last night. Things I agree to do to be more proactive in our marriage and things we both agree to do. And the ability to add more as we go.

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 09:50 AM

Fear is a funny thing. Can totally take us over. It will take a lot hard work and and constant evaluation on myself to keep it in check. I need to learn to leave the fear outside the door when I get home.

here are a few things that I do to keep my fear in check.
1. remind myself I am not going to die.
2. do not leave your fear outside the door, instead learn to be okay being afraid. I used to think about my fears and then project a stronger image to cover up for my own fears. But I had to realize that everyone is afraid of something. But the man I want to be, is the one that accepts he is afraid and has the courage to move forward anyway.
An example of this:
I am terrified of heights. the family and I were at the state fair. and the kids wanted to go down the 40 ft slide. I made it halfway up the stairs and started losing my equilibrium. I looked around at my BS and DC. and they were fine. the thoughts started racing, the fear gripped me. I reminded myself that hundreds of people so this every day. that people survived the world trade center collapse. That even if everything collapses I WILL SURVIVE. And then I was able to stand up straight finish going up the stairs, and enjoyed the slide ride down.
So accept the fact that you are afraid, be ok with being afraid, and then BE COURAGEOUS.

You can do it.

canwerebuild posted 8/15/2014 12:08 PM

I also live with this fear and anxiety. It can be overwhelming and make me feel like I am going out of my mind. We're very early in the process. Our MC thought a commitment from my BS would be good for me. She committed to three months. I felt better for a day and the next day as soon as she said she might not be able to get over the facts of the indiscretions to "R" I was right back where I started. Scared as hell. I think the advice to let go of trying to control the outcome is a good one. You can and should influence your spouse positively especially if "R" is the goal. Do the right things, the small things each day and hopefully overtime it will accrue to something greater. That is what I tell myself. I focus on supporting my wife and making myself a better person and safe and honest spouse. That is all I can do. I am grateful for everyday that she is with me. Extremely grateful for each small kindness or loving act.

[This message edited by canwerebuild at 10:17 PM, September 1st (Monday)]

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 12:37 PM

Scream here is a book to check out

Your Survival Instinct Is Killing You: Retrain Your Brain to Conquer Fear and Build Resilience

this could help you tremendously

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