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Newest Member: jon72 (46048)

User Topic: "You need to lower your expectations"
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup, he actually said that.

We're a year out. I'm still hurting like hell. He's consumed with guilt and shame.

I have told him about a million times that I need him to comfort me when I trigger. I want him to reach out and hold me, reassure me. Most of the time he can't do it. We're stuck in this cycle where I share how I feel and he just.doesn't.respond. I feel abandoned. He listens, but he doesn't hear me. Everything seems to get distorted by the guilt/shame filter.

Today he told me I'm telling him how to feel. I assured him that's not the case - I'm telling him how I'd like him to respond to me. He insists that would be like him telling me I need to be over it by now. (which, FTR he nas never said or implied.) We went around and around on this and he told me I need to lower my expecations.

We're stuck. He stopped IC when his work schedule got crazy. He was supposed to set up MC starting last December but it never happened. I'm tired of asking.

The harsh reality is that I'm just not willing to lower my expectations. I don't think it's too much to expect to be comforted when I'm overwhelmed by the mess he made. He just isn't capable of giving it to me.

This is supposed to be a partnership and I feel like I'm carrying the weight of this essentially alone. We're good roommates and business partners, but this isn't a marriage. I don't question his remorse, but I need to see some action. I need to see that he is willing to do the hard work to get through this together.

I'm losing hope here and if I have to go through this feeling so alone, I think I'd rather be alone.

Am I being unrealistic? Do I need to lower my expectations?


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 9:39 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you got married, you both committed to expectations in which you'd take care of and support each other through thick and thin. Now he wants you to lower your expectations in order to meet him at his level? He should raise himself back to the standard he set when he put acting on your finger.

You are going to spend your lives together as each others ONLY emotional and physical intimate partners; why should you expect less and spend your time accepting that he's just not going to meet his end of the bargain?

No, you aren't expecting too much.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 768 | Registered: Jul 2014
SparrowSoul
♀ 44223
Member # 44223
Default  Posted: 9:45 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You most certainly do not need to lower your expectations. If you're married, as you say, then you ought to be partners. That means carrying the weight evenly, and only shouldering the extra when your partner absolutely CANNOT-- And even then, that should only be for a little while. It definitely shouldn't be the norm.

I know you say that you don't question your WH's remorse, but--not to be indelicate--I do. If his remorse was genuine, then he'd be not only willing but eager to do the hard work-- And he should definitely be willing and eager to do something as simple as comfort you when you trigger.

(((neverdidithink)))


Me: BGF, 29
Him: WBF, 35 (RMarred)
D-Day: 7/5/2014, seared into my memory like a brand.

"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.


Posts: 131 | Registered: Jul 2014
StartingFreshNow
♀ 44224
Member # 44224
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are most definitely not being unrealistic.

I'm struggling with what your WH is - I don't comfort my BH when he needs it because I'm consumed in my feelings. Through this site I finally get it though. Like yesterday it clicked with me what I'm doing. Now that I see what I'm doing, I realize what I NEED to be doing instead and how I need to help my BH when he needs it. I kept telling him I didn't know what to do when all along he had been telling me (he needs words and touch) but I just was so consumed with how uncomfortable I felt that I refused to actually hear his words and offer that to him.

The lack of initiative with counseling would be a killer to me. To me an A is so huge that the WS needs to see a C in some way - whether it's IC or MC or both (I think it should be both but I understand sometimes that's not possible).

I'm sorry he told you you need to lower your expectations. That's a very selfish statement, one you didn't deserve.


Me: WW
2 young kids
DDay - Dec 2013 (EA), TT
DDay 2 - Jul 28, 2014 (PA), TT
DDay 3 - end of Aug/beg of Sep 2014
(All the same A)

Posts: 316 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: USA
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all. I think I posted primarily to vent. While I asked about lowering my expectations and being unrealistic, I honestly already knew the answer to both questions.

I deserve more than WH is offering and I know I will never respect myself if I talk myself into settling for this.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
Hurtingnnc
♀ 44284
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're good roommates and business partners, but this isn't a marriage. I don't question his remorse, but I need to see some action. I need to see that he is willing to do the hard work to get through this together

This sounds exactly like my situation. We are friends and I really enjoy spending time with him. I wish he was willing to stepout of his comfort zone and attempt what I need to see from him. I am aware that is not likely to happen. We both deserve more.


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2014
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't lower your expectations. I did, thinking that if I could get him to do a little, we could built on that.

Instead, he kept doing less and less.

IME the least of what you expect is the most you will get.

Limbo- it's friggin torture.

If he can't man up and help fix what he broke- no, SMASHED to pieces- then he's not man enough for you.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:58 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are friends and I really enjoy spending time with him
Hurting, this makes it hard. I do love him very much, but I'm no longer willing to put my love for him above my love for myself.

Don't lower your expectations. I did, thinking that if I could get him to do a little, we could built on that
. This is how I feel right now. I've been trying to be patient waiting for him to really get it, but I've lost hope that will ever happen. He's too stuck in his own quagmire to see or respond to my needs. I'm not confident that more time is going to change that and he is not motivated enough to get himself out of the mess, let alone be capable of helping me out.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:06 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:09 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What do you say that he interprets as 'telling him how to feel?'

I agree on not lowering your expectations.

This bothers me, though:

I have told him about a million times that I need him to comfort me when I trigger.

Gently, I think you're mistaking a want for a need here.

You can handle your triggers yourself. It's nice when one's partner is right there to help, and that help is probably necessary for R, but you don't need his help to heal yourself.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10767 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Holly-Isis
♀ 13447
Member # 13447
Default  Posted: 11:15 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No. I'm proof that we can heal ourselves without the help of a WS.

Unfortunately, doing it alone means that the M suffers too. Being comforted when we trigger isn't healing the BS- it's healing the M. Having a WS not participate in the BS healing does two things:

It delays the BS healing while they are together because the BS has to do it on their own while being continuously wounded by the non-participation of the person that wounded them so grievously to begin with.

It creates further issues in the M because of the aforementioned lack of effort towards the BS/M. As well as keeping the wound of the A open through lack of effort in mending what has been shattered in the M through helping the BS.


"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*

Posts: 11343 | Registered: Jan 2007 | From: Just a fool in limbo
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently, I think you're mistaking a want for a need here.

You can handle your triggers yourself. It's nice when one's partner is right there to help, and that help is probably necessary for R, but you don't need his help to heal yourself.

You are correct. I don't need him to heal me, but I do need him to be willing to work at it if we're going to R. That's what I'm not seeing/feeling.

Being comforted when we trigger isn't healing the BS- it's healing the M

Correct. And while I know I'm going to be ok, I don't have the same level of confidence about our M.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 11:22 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your husband isn't remorseful. You can see his regret, that's not remorse. The pain he is keeping you in is the difference between the two.

I also heard the "I'm telling him how he feels" crap. I heard that when he wasn't remorseful. He has since acknowledged that he had walls up and couldn't hear what I was saying.

You know you can't tear those walls down. Trying to tear them down makes him build them thicker, stronger. He has to be the one to take them down. You can't save him from making the mistake of not tearing them down.

I'm so glad you can clearly see that. That is the key to your happiness, security, and sanity.

I'm sorry he's still so thick in the head. I'm sorry he hasn't figured this out.

I have to wonder how great of a friend he is if he's unwilling to help you. If you only enjoy each other when YOU act like nothing happened, then what kind of joy is that?

I think I'd have to tell him the line in my siggy. Tell him to his face that your standards aren't open for negotiation just because he can't meet them.

Hang in there!

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 11:33 AM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2619 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Feelthrownaway
♀ 33772
Member # 33772
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he always been this way ? Not wanting to comfort you when you hurt? He should want to comfort you. I'm sorry he is not there when you need him most.

Don't lower your expectations.


BW- 48
FWH-49
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 23 years- together 25

What doesn't kill me, scars me.


Posts: 1254 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Down South
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he always been this way ? Not wanting to comfort you when you hurt?
Yes, he doesn't deal well with confrontation. In all honesty we were both that way, we just stuffed it and waited for it to blow over. I'm not willing or able to do that anymore and he's not willing or able to change. That makes for a very unsuccessful dynamic.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to wonder how great of a friend he is if he's unwilling to help you. If you only enjoy each other when YOU act like nothing happened, then what kind of joy is that?

OUCH! You're right, there is no real joy. Contentment is about as good as it gets.

[This message edited by neverdidithink at 4:17 PM, August 13th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:43 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like he is telling you he can't or won't be the man you want him to be. If that is truly what he means you have three choices.

1. Lower your expectations and accept him for who he is. Sometimes if you want a relationship with someone you have to do it on their terms.

2. Live a life of constant battle and misery as you try to change him.

3. Move on from your relationship.

None of them are easy. And the truth it it's your choice how you want to live your life there is no right or wrong answer.

If I were you I'd stop and think about what you want if he real isn't going to give you what you need. Then I'd sit down and tell him that if he really can't this is how things are going to have to be. From there you can start moving forward.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 578 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
NoGoodUsername
♂ 40181
Member # 40181
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

neverdidthink,

Please forgive me here, this is just a quick, emotionally driven reply.

I'm a Wayward and I think your husband's statement is a bunch of crap. Lower your expectations? Hell NO! After an affair, the expectations all need to be raised. After a problem like this things need to be stepped up because the standards sure weren't being met before. He needs to fix his shit or stop bothering you.


Me: WH
Her: BW
Dday 7/11/13
"May you be protected from hearts that are not humble, tongues that are not wise and eyes that have forgotten how to cry."

Posts: 261 | Registered: Aug 2013
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It sounds to me like he is telling you he can't or won't be the man you want him to be. If that is truly what he means you have three choices.

I know, and I'm trying to accept the reality that my future is behind door number 3.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
LA44
♀ 38384
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:38 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is MC really out? I know you want him to make the appoint. I would like mine to do the same.

But I am going to do it and then I am going to just go for it.

I am not ready for Door #3 just yet.

((neverdidithink))


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2677 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
neverdidithink
♀ 40568
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 12:57 PM, August 13th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So is MC really out? I know you want him to make the appoint. I would like mine to do the same.

The MC standoff is just one example of the larger issue. If I don't do it, it just doesn't get done. I'm tired of doing all the work. I want to see some real effort and I'm not.

I believe he is no longer cheating, but that's not enough change for me. I want him to figure out how to deal with the guilt and shame so he can have an honest conversation with me without withdrawing because it's too painful for him. I want to see him be much more proactive.

As I type all of this out, I realize he is right: My expectations are too high. He has told me and shown me that he is unable to provide what I want in our M. I need to start listening better.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 348 | Registered: Sep 2013
Topic Posts: 41
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