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When your nb didn't turn out how you hoped

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Why?? posted 8/13/2014 18:03 PM

My d'day anniversary just passed so maybe that is what started me to look over my life...I did make an IC appt. but can't go until the end of the month ($).

Things I am doing to get of of funk:
Playing kickball w a league
Back on OLD
Joined a new meet up recently
Told supervisor about nasty email from someone I work for instead of ignoring.

Things troubling me:
Thought I would have new R by now.
Stress about money.
Think I may have some PTSD from living w verbally abusive xh alcoholic - feel like parents don't understand some issues I have from this.
Rely on my parents a lot for support but when I don't go along with what they think is best feel stress.

Anyone feel this way? Sorry to be such a downer

Williesmom posted 8/13/2014 18:35 PM


Yeah. Sitting beside you on the loser bench. It's kinda cool here.....

I'm a "goals" kind of girl, so when I got divorced, my goal was to be re- married within 2 years..... 6 years later, and I'm no closer to that goal- but you know what? That's ok.

I hear you on the money thing also.

I don't have any great words of wisdom for you, but I will say that you're not alone.

Hang in there.

better4me posted 8/13/2014 18:43 PM

I'm in a funk right now too, you aren't alone.

I'm leaning on the AA Serenity Prayer "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Take a look at your lists and see if where the things from the "Things troubling me" list fit: do you need to work on acceptance of the item, or can you change it...


Amazonia posted 8/13/2014 19:04 PM


Wish we could get a drink and catch up. Do you think you'll be able to get back into IC regularly to work on the PTSD stuff?

Sad in AZ posted 8/13/2014 19:20 PM

You've probably heard the saying "Life is what happens while we're making other plans" Yup life is full of twists and turns, and I know how disappointing it can be when you want something that does not happen. If you can, try to figure out what makes you happy that YOU can make happen and does not depend on other people or circumstances.

Why do you lean on your family for support? Is it financial or emotional? I'm going to be blunt you're a big girl, so just don't. Make it your #1 goal to get along without their support. They have your best interests at heart, but they are not in a position to know what your best interests are. Only you know that. Do this before the creeping resentment boils over I'm speaking from experience. My mom was my safe place to land immediately after S, but after a while she was stifling me. I had to make the leap of faith to get my own place, and you know what, it was OK. I have had to ask for more help recently because I allowed myself to get into that position, and my plan now is to never let that happen again.

I hope you get to the point where you can make yourself happy. That's the most important thing.

NaiveAgain posted 8/13/2014 19:33 PM


Anyone feel this way?
Sorry to be such a downer aren't! There are a lot of us that are not where we want to be just yet. It's nice to have company!

6 years after D-Day and I am STILL in a bad place financially. I STILL haven't graduated from college yet, and I STILL don't have a good job yet. And......I am having to finally file bankruptcy because of the WS's bills. If I had done this immediately, I would be well on my way to rebuilding my credit score and much better off financially. So I haven't even made really great decisions after D-day.....

I am in counseling for my PTSD and I wouldn't be surprised if you are dealing with it also. Abuse brings it on just as well as other traumatic experiences. It makes it much more difficult to have that positive happy outlook, you know?

Two steps forward, one step back.....two steps forward, one step back. We'll get there!

phmh posted 8/13/2014 20:23 PM

I'm with you on the romantic relationship aspect of my NB not turning out how I wanted or expected.

When I was in college, when WXH and I got together, I had so many decent guys interested in me. I chose poorly, yet for 13 years I thought I was the luckiest lady in the world.

I figured that it wouldn't be that hard to find a true life partner. I was wrong.

I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that, at age 36, it's likely that I will be alone the rest of my life. And that really bums me out because, although I have a great single life, I feel like I am built to be in a monogamous relationship. I loved being married (even though he was a sociopath) and was a fantastic wife. So imagine how great it would be with a true emotionally available partner!

I'm not there yet. Still, my life now is so much better than life with WXH (at least the last 6 years or so) so I try to remind myself of that and of the other really great things in my life.

fireproof posted 8/13/2014 20:50 PM

I think ultimately there are no guarentees. Goals are good and I know you will reach them.

As far as personal relationships I think being alone is better than being with the wrong person.

Maybe you are growing so when you meet the right person you are ready and I hope they are ready!

As far as family and friends people in general whether they fear it themselves or they really think this is how the would be etc. don't live your life. Which is why it is most important to enjoy the good moments do what you can to change those areas of improvement but for the most part you are you and that is a great thing!

There are truly no guarantees and celebrate you are able to discover a whole new beginning or if that is too much celebrate all the qualities that make you- You!

I am no where near where I want to be for myself but outside I have quite a bit. Pick those things maybe one thing that you can do and focus on it.

You never know what my happen

InnerLight posted 8/13/2014 21:51 PM


Totally get you on the financial stuff. I don't see light at the end of that tunnel yet and its been 6 years.

My career stalled with the divorce and recession too. It's been 5 years since I've closed my own office and have been subletting in other peoples space since then. I am about to sign an agreement for a new office of my own. I never would have thought it would take me so many years to get back to having my own office.

Sometimes I look back at how far i've come yet how far I need to go still and i just have to appreciate the magnitude of the armageddon that was the betrayal by XH. I keep moving forward.

Sometimes I've got to believe it's not the getting 'there' that's important, it's the moments of joy, learning, connection, grace and self understanding that accompany me on the way.

NaiveAgain posted 8/14/2014 03:01 AM

Maybe you are growing so when you meet the right person you are ready and I hope they are ready!
That is how it was for me. I dated around after the WS, but no one that had the "life partner" theme attached to them. I wasn't quite ready yet to actually look for the type of guy that makes a good long-term partner. I was still dating the bad boys. I just found my life partner 1 1/2 years ago, in a place I wasn't even looking, and I am 51.

Helen of Troy posted 8/14/2014 07:43 AM

I too had the goal to be remarried within 3 years. I wanted to much to show him and others that I was worth it to someone else. I wanted the love and caring I did without during long marriage and a KISA all wrapped into one - to save me. It didn't happen.

Yes I too have money issues. I am working very hard to change this through more education, doing with much less and cleaning up old debt by using Mint was recommended on here and it has been a lifesaver for me and it's free & secure.
I go to therapy and journal for PTSD, and attend a single Moms group sponsored by local Women's Center.

What your parents or others say, take what you can use and leave the rest. Appreciate their concern and support but only you can do what is best for you, they might not know or understand what is best for you. Try to feel gratitude they do want to help, even if the advice and suggestions aren't always feasible for you.

Hope some of this helps. You definitely are not alone in these feelings.

InnerLight posted 8/14/2014 11:02 AM

Sometimes I go back to JFO and General and read the many, many long threads of BSs who are with unremorseful WSs and they don't want to S/D and basically have to rugsweep and deal with an exhausting cesspool of bullshit to keep their Ms going.

See this sounds like living hell to me. And no matter how challenging an NB is, no matter that the finances aren't as good and it is tough rebuilding trust need for another inimate relationship, I am just so grateful today that I am not stuck in the above scenario, that I took the leap and endured that horrible S/D time and that I have any NB at all. At least my home and my time is relatively my own (other than having to work my ass off), and my life has possibilities it would never have had I stay in the M.

I am getting to a place of accepting that I have experienced many benefits from the loss of my M that I appreciate even if my NB is not what I hoped.

Kajem posted 8/14/2014 12:16 PM

If you charted my new beginning it would look like a family circus cartoon. The kid goes in every conceivable direction all over the yard. She takes 500 steps to get to the goal, that was only 20 steps from where she started!

If you look closer, she's interested (distracted) in every little thing that she sees. In a way I feel like a little kid learning about me,myself, and I all along the way.

I'm not where I want to be financially, physically, emotionally but I'm healthier physically and emotionally than when I was married or with XSO. That can't be bought.

Find something that you enjoy and make time each week for it. It helps.


damncutekitty posted 8/14/2014 16:29 PM

I think your first mistake is thinking any part of life will turn out the way you think it is supposed to.

I have been D for almost a decade now. I would say the first 4-ish years after my D were MISERABLE. I was depressed, angry, self destructive and often got down on myself for not healing faster or being more successful at life.

So first and foremost, stop applying the word "should" to your life.

Definitely seek treatment for the PTSD. Look for a therapist who does EMDR (for me the combo of EMDR and CBT was life changing) and see if you are a candidate. It's a common treatment for PTSD.

Maybe stay off the dating sites while you work on the therapy thing, but that's just my personal preference. (I wanted to get my shit together in order to become a better potential partner)

Why?? posted 8/14/2014 16:33 PM

Wow! Thanks for all the support and great posts. I can't post at work but have been thinking about all you guys have said...getting ready for kickball now

Yes, Ama I'd be up for a drink! Better grab a plane

I like the idea of using the Serenity prayer with my lists. Thanks for that idea, better4me.

I don't know if this is lingering codependence but it upsets me when people seem mad at me or if I don't follow my family's well intended advice. Wish I could do IC regularly but really can't w this job and money.

traicionada posted 8/14/2014 18:20 PM

I'm not sure which part of the US you live in but a bunch of community health centers across the country just got federal money to provide free behavioral health services to low income families so it might be worth looking into.

norabird posted 8/15/2014 12:45 PM


Do you ever read on Baggage Reclaim? Lots of articles there about people pleasing and learning to draw boundaries that might help with your family issues.

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