This week in his IC he told his therapist that he felt things were moving along well with R and we were having more good days then bad, and his therapist expressed that she was afraid I may not be being totally open with all of my anger. He told her he was a little concerned too, so he said something to me. I then felt inspired to write all the things I am angry/hurt by. Lying to me, telling himself it was okay to spend time with someone else, and become physical with them, crushing the vision I had of what our marriage would look like etc. All of these things that I have already expressed. Then I wrote that I was upset that I didn't feel more upset. I used to think that a betrayal like this would completely crush me, but here in the moment, I can have empathy for what my WH was going through (doesn't excuse the A in any way) and I can see him working so hard on everything. The truth is, that I don't feel sad all the time. I feel hopeful. And when I do feel sad, I feel like I have been open with him about this, and he has done a great job of listening, being a shoulder to cry on, and apologizing profusely. I just want to know is this normal? I am feeling stronger than I thought I would be given the circumstances. I love my husband very much and when I look at him I see a broken man who is trying so hard to change his inner self to be a better person.
Last night I let a flood of tears come out and he reassured me that I don't need to be strong, that he is becoming stronger and wants to be the one to pick me up on bad days. I do feel like the bad days are becoming less, and I just want to know if this is normal being that I am only 6 weeks out? Does it come in waves? I do read SI daily, which I believe helps a lot too, and I send him threads that relate to him and we discuss them almost nightly, but I am not always feeling "hurt" or "angry" sometimes I do really feel hopeful. I just want to hear others experiences or thoughts! I want to make sure I am not rug sweeping, but sometimes I don't feel like I need to be sad and sometimes I see that glimmer of hope. I am an optimist in most areas of my life btw, so maybe this is just part of the way I heal from things?
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela
I'm about 5 months out now and there are still times when I feel up set or like my wife just doesn't get it, but I didn't got through the months and months of agony that some others did. I really do think how the WWS handles it does a lot.
I felt like we were back sliding a couple weeks ago. We had a really bad fight and her reaction was so over the top. But two nights later she came to me and said she was going back to IC because she felt like she stopped too early. It's easy to get over things when your spouse is trying.
Just be glad you have it so good.
Married 5 years. Dating 9. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
thank you both for your replies. It makes me question sometimes when I see so many posts about years and years out and WS are still not remorseful. I do feel "lucky" that he is remorseful and that he "got it" the minute he admitted everything to me (I was tipped off my OW BS). I feel almost like I should be in shambles but I am not. I have bad days and triggers of course, but I see all the work he is doing and his commitment to healing himself. He never once blamed me or our relationship, he has taken full responsibility and really digging for his "why". I am glad to know that it's okay to feel hopeful even 6 weeks out, and we will just address the bad days and triggers as they come, even if they aren't as often as some on here. I will remind myself that I am "lucky" for my WS who I feel truly "gets it".
I am lucky like you that wayward is very supportive but when I have a trigger I'm not sure what I want him to do, do you guys talk it through or does he just give you a hug of support?
I have bad days and triggers of course, but I see all the work he is doing and his commitment to healing himself. He never once blamed me or our relationship, he has taken full responsibility and really digging for his "why".
That is another great point that made it easier for me. From the very beginning my wife has told me that I have never done anything wrong. That I was the best husband I have could have been to her and that she really didn't know what happened. She immediately went to work on her.
My WH knew he was broken before this happened. It was a series of several negative things happening all at the same time that triggered him to feel the need to "make himself feel better" and he didn't know how to help himself in a healthy manner. It breaks my heart that he chose the path he did, that he didn't feel like he could come to me. But because of his serious fears of failure, and projecting those feelings onto me, he thought to himself "well I am already messing up, whats one more thing". Its surprising a little because he had been cheated on before and it is something that haunts him, so why he would choose that I am not sure. I think he honestly was looking for someone to talk to to forget his stress, and it just escalated and he couldn't figure out how to stop himself. I try to understand, but I really can't understand because I don't share the same thought process, but I can have empathy for him and see the pain that he is in. :(
Be careful to say that you are grateful that the A happened too, you don't want to give the wrong impression that the A did something good for your M. What is important is to focus on how you are dealing with the tragedy. I am glad he is remorseful, but as you can see, there are many WS that aren't remorseful or it takes them a long time. You don't want to let him think that the A was a good thing to happen. HE could have chosen another path for instance, to turn to you when he needed comforting, which could have brought about the same change. I just don't want you thinking the A was a "good" thing for your marriage. There is a fine line there. Keep your chin up!
That timeframe is if you do have a remorseful ws. Only time will tell if he is truly remorseful. It sounds like he's working to meet your list of requirements and he's working to comfort you and make you feel safe. These are excellent things.
Everyone has different stages at different times. It seems like your anger hasn't hit yet and it is still really early.
You seem to be on the right track. Now you just have to stay on it for a long time. Part of real R is lasting and consistent change. This is an endurace challenge, not a sprint.
So far the biggest difference I see is that your ws seems to be doing everything right. Most bs don't get that kind of response after dday.
Now some seem to do things right, but it doesn't last. That's the only way to identify a truly remorseful ws. If they are, then it doesn't stop.
I'm happy things are going so well for you. I hope they continue on and don't stop. I'm so glad you had a great date on Sunday. It sounded wonderful.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Careful with that logic. Don't get caught up in blaming the victim. It's simply not fair to all the BS here who's WS have not be remorseful. The truth is it might be easier to be remorseful when someone is passive in their reaction, but that doesn't excuse any WS not show remorse.
I'm sure it wasn't your intention to be hurtful to anyone. But that kind of blanket statement can easily be hurtful to others on this list who are going through a lot of pain.
I can say I for one have had plenty of anger to sling at my wife. I've said both things that I shouldn't have and things she 100% deserved. She's shown remorse through it, and it hasn't always been clean, but her desire to get better is intrinsic. And that is what really works. Extrinsic motivations don't last.
I recently had some angry days. I finally had most of the details and began to really think about what it all meant. I became angry as I asked, "How could he CHOOSE to do this?!"
Last night I got angry. I started to shut down, but once I calmed down I could see what my WH was saying and it made sense. I was just seeing red at the moment. What happened is we were reading through "Not Just Friends" the "healing together" chapter, and they talk about getting rid of reminders. I have been telling him I want to get rid of his car (its actually old anyway and we have been wanting to replace it) because he had kissed her and fooled around in there. I told him I feel like being in the car will trigger me. I haven't ridden in that car since a few weeks after DDay. He mentioned that when he told this to his IC, she said she wasn't sure if getting rid of the car would stop my thoughts. I got really upset, felt like he wasn't listening and basically saw red. I kind of lost it, just started balling and couldn't form any sentences. I then got upset because he didn't console me, he was just sitting on the other side of the couch. I said something to him about what I needed from him in that moment, and he hugged me and I calmed down quite a bit. Once I was able to compose my thoughts, I said that it just upset me that he didn't think to console me when I was crying, he said he thought I was so angry that he was the last person I would want to console me, so he just waiting feeling kind of helpless. It's not that he didn't want to console me, but he didn't want to make me more upset. I could understand where he was coming from, and we had a little talk about what I need. I know we are still new at this, so it will take a while for him to learn what I need in certain situations. We also talked calmly about the car situation, and I could see his point of view about not necessarily needing to get rid of it right now (we can't really afford a new one at the moment). First, I had ridden in the car after DDay without much issue, and also when we were in MY car, we were fooling around a little one evening and he mentioned a BJ, kind of jokingly, but I lost it. So we weren't even in his car when this happened. We decided we don't need to get rid of the car just yet, but that I needed more time to get comfortable with the idea of possibly riding in it. I feel like it was overall a productive conversation even though it started out painfully, I think we were able to step back and think a little more rationally after a few deep breaths.
I effeminately feel more sad/angry lately than I did for the past few weeks... but I do think we are handling things pretty well. It definitely takes practice because we weren't good at communicating our feelings before the A, so its like trying to tackle two things at once now. I can see how this will be a long road. I am glad we are on the road together though.
Your other post from a few days ago about journalling was really helpful for me, I brought that up with my BH as an option for processing his feelings because he also feels he needs to vent and talk about stuff but that he doesn't want to do that with his friends (again, protecting me). I suggested he could try journalling, and he said he might try that.
Anyways, I wish you and your H all the best.
I'm writing to say that the ups and downs go on for a long time, but they moderate as you do more and more effective work and as d-day recedes further into the past.
It took me 3-ish years to classify myself as 'recovered', but once I got 3 months in, the trend line was pretty consistently less unhappiness and more happiness. It's a long road, and I certainly experienced some setbacks, but I believe life does get better after you hit bottom for most BSes.
[This message edited by sisoon at 11:13 AM, August 15th (Friday)]
Thank you. I always appreciate your wisdom. I do feel a little better everyday for the most part. I think I am past angry. I remember saying "i hate you" and pushing him about 3 days after DDay when the shock wore off. I am not so much angry as I am just hurt and sad that we are here. But I am glad I have a remorseful WH, it makes each day a little easier. It's hard not to go off into my head sometimes though and feel kind of numb. He usually doesn't know what to do when I do this, I told him last night I need him to just pull me in. If I don't want to be hugged I will tell him, but I told him assume that I just need to be close to you and feel you breathing.