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Am I Normal?

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notanavrageangel posted 8/13/2014 18:08 PM

So I am roughly 6 weeks out from Dday 1...then got some TT for about 2 weeks before the storm really came down on me. I have a very remorseful wayward. He apologizes daily, answers all my questions and has been going to IC weekly and has already had some breakthroughs in his "why". Our communication has improved, he has broken down barriers and sharing things about his FOO issues, and lack of self esteem. I have some bad days, but they are seeming to pass a little more quickly. We have had HB, and have also had some very great days (example, Sunday we went to brunch and stayed for 3.5 hours just talking and laughing. It was the best day I have had in a long time, and probably one of the best dates he and I have ever had because we were so focused on each other).

This week in his IC he told his therapist that he felt things were moving along well with R and we were having more good days then bad, and his therapist expressed that she was afraid I may not be being totally open with all of my anger. He told her he was a little concerned too, so he said something to me. I then felt inspired to write all the things I am angry/hurt by. Lying to me, telling himself it was okay to spend time with someone else, and become physical with them, crushing the vision I had of what our marriage would look like etc. All of these things that I have already expressed. Then I wrote that I was upset that I didn't feel more upset. I used to think that a betrayal like this would completely crush me, but here in the moment, I can have empathy for what my WH was going through (doesn't excuse the A in any way) and I can see him working so hard on everything. The truth is, that I don't feel sad all the time. I feel hopeful. And when I do feel sad, I feel like I have been open with him about this, and he has done a great job of listening, being a shoulder to cry on, and apologizing profusely. I just want to know is this normal? I am feeling stronger than I thought I would be given the circumstances. I love my husband very much and when I look at him I see a broken man who is trying so hard to change his inner self to be a better person.

Last night I let a flood of tears come out and he reassured me that I don't need to be strong, that he is becoming stronger and wants to be the one to pick me up on bad days. I do feel like the bad days are becoming less, and I just want to know if this is normal being that I am only 6 weeks out? Does it come in waves? I do read SI daily, which I believe helps a lot too, and I send him threads that relate to him and we discuss them almost nightly, but I am not always feeling "hurt" or "angry" sometimes I do really feel hopeful. I just want to hear others experiences or thoughts! I want to make sure I am not rug sweeping, but sometimes I don't feel like I need to be sad and sometimes I see that glimmer of hope. I am an optimist in most areas of my life btw, so maybe this is just part of the way I heal from things?

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/13/2014 19:25 PM

My Dday was just before yours and I too feel hopeful. I think I am hopeful because my WH is not pining over her, was happy to done with the affair, is remorseful, and is trying hard to repair and support us. My sadness does come in waves but less frequently as the days go on especially now that I feel I have the WHOLE story.

Wodnships posted 8/13/2014 19:36 PM

You guys (like me) are blessed with a truly remorseful WWS. Many on here have not been so lucky. Multiple DDay months (or even years) of TT, constant back sliding. That's not to mention those dealing with drug addiction or other factors.

I'm about 5 months out now and there are still times when I feel up set or like my wife just doesn't get it, but I didn't got through the months and months of agony that some others did. I really do think how the WWS handles it does a lot.

I felt like we were back sliding a couple weeks ago. We had a really bad fight and her reaction was so over the top. But two nights later she came to me and said she was going back to IC because she felt like she stopped too early. It's easy to get over things when your spouse is trying.

Just be glad you have it so good.

notanavrageangel posted 8/13/2014 19:51 PM

Hurtbuthopeful35 & Wodnships -

thank you both for your replies. It makes me question sometimes when I see so many posts about years and years out and WS are still not remorseful. I do feel "lucky" that he is remorseful and that he "got it" the minute he admitted everything to me (I was tipped off my OW BS). I feel almost like I should be in shambles but I am not. I have bad days and triggers of course, but I see all the work he is doing and his commitment to healing himself. He never once blamed me or our relationship, he has taken full responsibility and really digging for his "why". I am glad to know that it's okay to feel hopeful even 6 weeks out, and we will just address the bad days and triggers as they come, even if they aren't as often as some on here. I will remind myself that I am "lucky" for my WS who I feel truly "gets it".

Toffie posted 8/13/2014 21:23 PM

I am new to this site but find it interesting how everyone handles it in all different ways, it was an inspiration to hear how well you are going I think it makes me realise I should accept how better our relationship is now than thinking it's wrong to accept what happened and he is such a considerate person now, if this didn't happen we wouldn't have realised how we never appreciated each other as we were in a bad place when it happened.

I am lucky like you that wayward is very supportive but when I have a trigger I'm not sure what I want him to do, do you guys talk it through or does he just give you a hug of support?

Wodnships posted 8/13/2014 21:47 PM

I have bad days and triggers of course, but I see all the work he is doing and his commitment to healing himself. He never once blamed me or our relationship, he has taken full responsibility and really digging for his "why".

That is another great point that made it easier for me. From the very beginning my wife has told me that I have never done anything wrong. That I was the best husband I have could have been to her and that she really didn't know what happened. She immediately went to work on her.

notanavrageangel posted 8/13/2014 22:43 PM

Toffie -
I am glad to hear it. When I trigger it just depends. He will usually ask me what I need, and I am able to tell if I want to talk. If I feel like I just need to cry (and can't think of how to verbalize my feelings in the moment) he just hugs me and wipes my tears.

Wodnships -
My WH knew he was broken before this happened. It was a series of several negative things happening all at the same time that triggered him to feel the need to "make himself feel better" and he didn't know how to help himself in a healthy manner. It breaks my heart that he chose the path he did, that he didn't feel like he could come to me. But because of his serious fears of failure, and projecting those feelings onto me, he thought to himself "well I am already messing up, whats one more thing". Its surprising a little because he had been cheated on before and it is something that haunts him, so why he would choose that I am not sure. I think he honestly was looking for someone to talk to to forget his stress, and it just escalated and he couldn't figure out how to stop himself. I try to understand, but I really can't understand because I don't share the same thought process, but I can have empathy for him and see the pain that he is in. :(

notanavrageangel posted 8/13/2014 22:47 PM

Toffie - I also wouldn't say that I "accept" his behavior. He was completely out of line and he basically crushed the ideas I had of what our marriage would be. I definitely don't accept it.

Be careful to say that you are grateful that the A happened too, you don't want to give the wrong impression that the A did something good for your M. What is important is to focus on how you are dealing with the tragedy. I am glad he is remorseful, but as you can see, there are many WS that aren't remorseful or it takes them a long time. You don't want to let him think that the A was a good thing to happen. HE could have chosen another path for instance, to turn to you when he needed comforting, which could have brought about the same change. I just don't want you thinking the A was a "good" thing for your marriage. There is a fine line there. Keep your chin up!

anothermoron posted 8/13/2014 23:20 PM

I think anger/sadness/remorse is kind of an interesting triangle. It's easy to be remorseful when you see someone sad and you know you've made them that way. In fact it's very difficult not to feel remorse in that situation. But when your partner's just angry, that empathy center gets switched off, and it's difficult to really process the pain you've caused, and to show remorse. I guess what I'm saying is that - rightly or wrongly - your partners ability to show remorse is a reflection of the feelings you show him/her. And your inability to feel anger is probably a reflection of the genuine remorse you see in him. Not sure if that makes any sense...

BtraydWife posted 8/13/2014 23:21 PM

Part of why people say it takes 2-5 years to heal is because you both will go through stages.

That timeframe is if you do have a remorseful ws. Only time will tell if he is truly remorseful. It sounds like he's working to meet your list of requirements and he's working to comfort you and make you feel safe. These are excellent things.

Everyone has different stages at different times. It seems like your anger hasn't hit yet and it is still really early.

You seem to be on the right track. Now you just have to stay on it for a long time. Part of real R is lasting and consistent change. This is an endurace challenge, not a sprint.

So far the biggest difference I see is that your ws seems to be doing everything right. Most bs don't get that kind of response after dday.

Now some seem to do things right, but it doesn't last. That's the only way to identify a truly remorseful ws. If they are, then it doesn't stop.

I'm happy things are going so well for you. I hope they continue on and don't stop. I'm so glad you had a great date on Sunday. It sounded wonderful.

Wodnships posted 8/13/2014 23:35 PM


Careful with that logic. Don't get caught up in blaming the victim. It's simply not fair to all the BS here who's WS have not be remorseful. The truth is it might be easier to be remorseful when someone is passive in their reaction, but that doesn't excuse any WS not show remorse.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention to be hurtful to anyone. But that kind of blanket statement can easily be hurtful to others on this list who are going through a lot of pain.

I can say I for one have had plenty of anger to sling at my wife. I've said both things that I shouldn't have and things she 100% deserved. She's shown remorse through it, and it hasn't always been clean, but her desire to get better is intrinsic. And that is what really works. Extrinsic motivations don't last.

Toffie posted 8/14/2014 00:30 AM

Notanavrageangel I think I described it wrong I definitely don't accept what he did but we seem closer than we were 8 months ago prior the a but my mind says its wrong to accept the way we get along so much better now, hope that made sense.
I seem to be struggling more now than before so I'm wondering maybe try and give in to good feeling I get now than hold it back and put myself back into sour mode because I feel it's wrong to be feeling that way atm.
At my last if meeting she asked me is he now the ideal person I would want to be with I answered yes but there is always a but

Hrtbrkn2 posted 8/14/2014 07:04 AM

My d-day was 3 months and 4 days ago. I have a very remorseful WS but sometimes I get angry thinking that it took the A to make him be the H I deserve. He is doing everything he can and yet I find myself wondering why, is it merely because he looks at me and sees the pain he has caused. I know it hurts for him to see me this way but I also want to scream " what did you think it would do!" There are days that it is so overwhelming it is hard to function.

Hurtbuthopeful35 posted 8/14/2014 07:18 AM

One thing I'd say, notanaverageangel, is that if you aren't angry now, do not be surprised if you are at some point. You could go weeks feeling "good" and suddenly feel angry.

I recently had some angry days. I finally had most of the details and began to really think about what it all meant. I became angry as I asked, "How could he CHOOSE to do this?!"

notanavrageangel posted 8/14/2014 11:33 AM

Thank you everyone for your replies! A little update:

Last night I got angry. I started to shut down, but once I calmed down I could see what my WH was saying and it made sense. I was just seeing red at the moment. What happened is we were reading through "Not Just Friends" the "healing together" chapter, and they talk about getting rid of reminders. I have been telling him I want to get rid of his car (its actually old anyway and we have been wanting to replace it) because he had kissed her and fooled around in there. I told him I feel like being in the car will trigger me. I haven't ridden in that car since a few weeks after DDay. He mentioned that when he told this to his IC, she said she wasn't sure if getting rid of the car would stop my thoughts. I got really upset, felt like he wasn't listening and basically saw red. I kind of lost it, just started balling and couldn't form any sentences. I then got upset because he didn't console me, he was just sitting on the other side of the couch. I said something to him about what I needed from him in that moment, and he hugged me and I calmed down quite a bit. Once I was able to compose my thoughts, I said that it just upset me that he didn't think to console me when I was crying, he said he thought I was so angry that he was the last person I would want to console me, so he just waiting feeling kind of helpless. It's not that he didn't want to console me, but he didn't want to make me more upset. I could understand where he was coming from, and we had a little talk about what I need. I know we are still new at this, so it will take a while for him to learn what I need in certain situations. We also talked calmly about the car situation, and I could see his point of view about not necessarily needing to get rid of it right now (we can't really afford a new one at the moment). First, I had ridden in the car after DDay without much issue, and also when we were in MY car, we were fooling around a little one evening and he mentioned a BJ, kind of jokingly, but I lost it. So we weren't even in his car when this happened. We decided we don't need to get rid of the car just yet, but that I needed more time to get comfortable with the idea of possibly riding in it. I feel like it was overall a productive conversation even though it started out painfully, I think we were able to step back and think a little more rationally after a few deep breaths.

I effeminately feel more sad/angry lately than I did for the past few weeks... but I do think we are handling things pretty well. It definitely takes practice because we weren't good at communicating our feelings before the A, so its like trying to tackle two things at once now. I can see how this will be a long road. I am glad we are on the road together though.

Wodnships posted 8/14/2014 11:39 AM

You bring up a very good point. Even the worst of times can be productive in R, if they are handled well.

Macsecond posted 8/14/2014 14:02 PM

NAAA - I just wanted to say that you sound so much like what my BH is going through, and I also have worried that he wasn't letting himself fully feel the impact of my betrayal in order to protect me. Our DDays are similar, so it's comforting to see that someone else is going through a similar trajectory of R as we are and that both you and my BH are "normal". I wasn't sure if there was anything I was doing wrong or missing or that I could do differently, but it does sound like both your WH and me, as my BH's WW are trying our best.

Your other post from a few days ago about journalling was really helpful for me, I brought that up with my BH as an option for processing his feelings because he also feels he needs to vent and talk about stuff but that he doesn't want to do that with his friends (again, protecting me). I suggested he could try journalling, and he said he might try that.

Anyways, I wish you and your H all the best.

recentguy posted 8/14/2014 20:20 PM

My situation is very similar to you all's. 8 weeks out from DDay. Saw a timeline today that was scary long and am hopeful that ups and downs become less severe. Thanks for some optimistic thoughts. My WW is also extremely remorseful since about end of first week. Took about a week for her to recognize the fog she was in and has made significant strides since in understanding the pain she caused me, kids, parents and friends. Also has recognized the path to real destruction she was on. Her affair partner was quite manipulative and she was quite compliant.

sisoon posted 8/15/2014 11:05 AM

To those who have just started: patience. It's a long road, but if you do the work you need to do, you will survive and even thrive.

I'm writing to say that the ups and downs go on for a long time, but they moderate as you do more and more effective work and as d-day recedes further into the past.

It took me 3-ish years to classify myself as 'recovered', but once I got 3 months in, the trend line was pretty consistently less unhappiness and more happiness. It's a long road, and I certainly experienced some setbacks, but I believe life does get better after you hit bottom for most BSes.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:13 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

notanavrageangel posted 8/15/2014 11:12 AM


Thank you. I always appreciate your wisdom. I do feel a little better everyday for the most part. I think I am past angry. I remember saying "i hate you" and pushing him about 3 days after DDay when the shock wore off. I am not so much angry as I am just hurt and sad that we are here. But I am glad I have a remorseful WH, it makes each day a little easier. It's hard not to go off into my head sometimes though and feel kind of numb. He usually doesn't know what to do when I do this, I told him last night I need him to just pull me in. If I don't want to be hugged I will tell him, but I told him assume that I just need to be close to you and feel you breathing.

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