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"If I didn't take some of the blame for you having an affair I'd have to leave you."
Meaning, if I did it if my own volition it would be too much...
I'm.... Floored, said it was my choice alone. He didn't want to talk about it from there....
.

My wife says we may have had issues, but this was my choice alone. She's right and I know that. Is that what you're hearing-that it was yours alone or that you share the blame?

It's a choice every WW makes.....it has nothing to do with the BS...as a BS I can take responsibility for pre a ....but I will not take responsibility for his choice to enter into a extremely selfish relationship OUTSIDE of the M......
We all have free will.....we all had needs NOT being met....
the choices we make are ours and ours alone....its living with the consequences of that choice that become OURS.....

I'm sooty I meant to say WS not WW....sorry!

We all know that but he doesn't subscribe to that theory.
Nothing I can do.
I've read about this though. If the BS can be a good spouse then maybe they can control their WS from acting out again. Doesn't work that way though...,

The important is that you understand it was your choice. My instinct of it is some BS have to feel responsible or culpable on some level. If they aren't then it makes them feel absolutely powerless in the situation. For now that is what he apparently needs.

BS here
It does sound like he's doing it as a way to feel he has some kind of control over it in the M. "If I'm good enough, this won't happen. Therefore I will be good enough and then this will never happen again."

Acceptance that we are powerless over the choices of our spouse and that nothing we do/don't do is going to make or stop them from having an A... that's difficult.

My BH said something very similar in our discussion last night. I agree with what another poster said, that it's a way for the BS to feel empowered in the situation. My BH is a "fixer" and feels better when he feels like he's actively working on improving the marriage and relationship. Acknowledging the areas he's been lacking in has helped give him direction for his actions in R and improving our M and relationship .

B.S. I dont share responsibility for my WH's choices....but I have thought over & over had I not given enough affection. ..appreciation...how could've I had gotten different results...etc. Sounds to me like your spouse loves you dearly and cant bear to make you the villain ....so spouse is sharing responsibility bc that means their still hope to repair yall relationship......maybe?

Acceptance that we are powerless over the choices of our spouse and that nothing we do/don't do is going to make or stop them from having an A... that's difficult.

I agree... and made even more difficult by people (general term) who are of the opinion that the BS must have "done/not done" something or else the WS wouldn't have cheated.

**sigh**

I know the cheating was all on him... but some days it doesn't feel that way... part of that feeling comes from the "reasons" I heard on DDay and shortly after.

BS here.

Lark nailed it.

Yeah, my husband blames himself.

Our M was truly awful. That isn't wayward rewriting M history, it was unhealthy and very toxic for both of us. So he blames himself because he thinks he treated me so badly for so long that he pushed me to cheat on him

I own my shit completely, my A was my choice. There is no doubt in my mind about that and I make it very, very clear whenever we discuss it. I have told him until I'm blue in the face but I can't make him internalise it and really believe it.

BS here

empowering as a fixer by nature = yep I second the reasoning

I own 50% of the marriage so that is the part I own and work on improving

I admittedly don't like that it may mean I'm not actually married - two as one. Having a spouse make sucha single-minded decision breaks the concept of how I define a marriage.

But I get free will and the ability to fuck up = royally. BTDT just I did it with my wild-n-crazy youth.

It's still just very emotionally painful to detach from the betrayal - especially since I've been raised with the saying "If I am pointing a finger out, than three fingers are pointing back at the problem."

so while I intellectually understand I have no control over another's actions, I am emotionally still attached to the fear of that vulnerability.

I am also working on the thinking that it was my bad choice to trust wholeheartedly so that is some of the blame myself I am working through

rachel - my first reaction to that statement was to wonder if he, then, blames you in some part for his affair?

well, he says he doesn't. But hey, I don't blame myself for his and I'm still here... trying to be at least.

[This message edited by rachelc at 12:40 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]