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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: validation
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Question  Posted: 5:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS, what does it sound like when your WS validates your feelings? When I try, it usually comes out very self-deprecating and not focused on him.

(I don't mind hearing from fellow Waywards, too.)


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 342 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Anik1989
♀ 44228
Member # 44228
Default  Posted: 6:22 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like my WH is validating my feelings when he takes the time to listen, he doesnt interrupt me and then he finds a way to summerize what I said to make sure he understood. He also apologizes for the way he made me feel, explains to me how he will work at not doing it again. It also helps if later on during the day, he makes sure I know he hasnt forgotten what we talked about.

Sometimes I just like being held and I dont expect him to talk. Just him listening is enough.

Good luck!


Me: 25 WH: 25 Married for 3 years
OEA for 3 months with some sexual video messages
DDay - 30 June 2014
TT - 21 July 2014

Posts: 197 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Ontario, Canada
wifehad5
♂ 15162
Member # 15162
Default  Posted: 6:46 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you make it about him, and not about how his feeling bad makes you feel bad.


FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live


Posts: 37863 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Anik1989. It sounds like he's doing at least a little something right.

WifeHad5, separating how my BH feels from how I feel about how I make him feel is something I'm working on in IC. It is challenging for me to hear his pain without immediately falling into apologizes and feeling like shit because I caused the hurt


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 342 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Use Active listening read on it

http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

this will help you. Not only with your BS, but with your life as a whole.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 888 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Matilda23
♀ 42807
Member # 42807
Default  Posted: 1:25 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I still struggle with validating BBF still. It's okay to validate and apologize. What I have learned is not say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm stupid, worthless etc". But instead I say things like, "I'm sorry that I have betrayed you trust, destroyed our relationship. I know I'll never be able to feel your pain but I know you are having a hard time trusting me because of lack of boundaries,, etc".

I have learned my first thought process is wrong, if I'm self pitying and turning how he feels and make it about me, then I need to think and find what is right. I hope this helps.


WGF - 24
BBF - MercilesslyNuked, 29
DDay 1 - 1/6/14
DDay 2 - 1/23/14

I Am Strong! I Am Beautiful! I Am Smart! I Am Worthy!


Posts: 131 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Colorado
redsox13
♂ 43391
Member # 43391
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's not the words, it's the emotion accompanying the words and the touch that accompanies the words.

When it works it is usually "I am sorry I caused you pain like this. Is there anything I can do to help" ? She almost always touches me when she says this.


BS - 45
WW - 43
In R for 5 years, still hurting but finally letting go

Posts: 328 | Registered: May 2014 | From: nh
Listeningclosely
♂ 16472
Member # 16472
Default  Posted: 1:58 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is challenging for me to hear his pain without immediately falling into apologizes and feeling like shit because I caused the hurt.

Showing this is likely to cause more insecurity in a BS that less. Because they can sense one of the big issues. If you need your BS to always feel great about you and to praise you, then what happens when they can't? Does this mean you'll turn to someone else again to boost your own image because you are running yourself so far into the gutter?

You need to reach a place where you can listen, accept, acknowledge you understand the hurt and that you are there. There to listen. There to be a target when your BS needs to lash out. There to be a shoulder when they need one to cry on. And there for as long as it takes for your BS to work through the hurt and the pain. Our MC said early on it would take as long as it takes. There's no time line on hurt. Everyone will process it differently. We as a WS committed to R need to be on board to focus on our BS without showing signs we might cave for as long as it takes.


BW(her)- 45, FWH (me) 48
4 month Online EA
M 24 years, together for 28
4 Daughters - 21, 18, 14 and 12
d-day 6/2/07, in R
FORGIVENESS 1/1/2008!!!
"Action expresses priorities." -
Mohandas Gandhi

Posts: 4472 | Registered: Oct 2007 | From: One Particular Harbour
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 3:48 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow. Listeningclosely. Very good point. Thank you.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 342 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Topic Posts: 9

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