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Neznayou posted 8/14/2014 05:46 AM

BS, what does it sound like when your WS validates your feelings? When I try, it usually comes out very self-deprecating and not focused on him.

(I don't mind hearing from fellow Waywards, too.)

Anik1989 posted 8/14/2014 06:22 AM

I feel like my WH is validating my feelings when he takes the time to listen, he doesnt interrupt me and then he finds a way to summerize what I said to make sure he understood. He also apologizes for the way he made me feel, explains to me how he will work at not doing it again. It also helps if later on during the day, he makes sure I know he hasnt forgotten what we talked about.

Sometimes I just like being held and I dont expect him to talk. Just him listening is enough.

Good luck!

wifehad5 posted 8/14/2014 06:46 AM

When you make it about him, and not about how his feeling bad makes you feel bad.

Neznayou posted 8/14/2014 08:25 AM

Thanks, Anik1989. It sounds like he's doing at least a little something right.

WifeHad5, separating how my BH feels from how I feel about how I make him feel is something I'm working on in IC. It is challenging for me to hear his pain without immediately falling into apologizes and feeling like shit because I caused the hurt

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 12:34 PM

Use Active listening read on it

http://www.mindtools.com/CommSkll/ActiveListening.htm

this will help you. Not only with your BS, but with your life as a whole.

Matilda23 posted 8/15/2014 13:25 PM

I still struggle with validating BBF still. It's okay to validate and apologize. What I have learned is not say something along the lines of, "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm stupid, worthless etc". But instead I say things like, "I'm sorry that I have betrayed you trust, destroyed our relationship. I know I'll never be able to feel your pain but I know you are having a hard time trusting me because of lack of boundaries,, etc".

I have learned my first thought process is wrong, if I'm self pitying and turning how he feels and make it about me, then I need to think and find what is right. I hope this helps.

redsox13 posted 8/15/2014 13:43 PM

It's not the words, it's the emotion accompanying the words and the touch that accompanies the words.

When it works it is usually "I am sorry I caused you pain like this. Is there anything I can do to help" ? She almost always touches me when she says this.

Listeningclosely posted 8/15/2014 13:58 PM

It is challenging for me to hear his pain without immediately falling into apologizes and feeling like shit because I caused the hurt.

Showing this is likely to cause more insecurity in a BS that less. Because they can sense one of the big issues. If you need your BS to always feel great about you and to praise you, then what happens when they can't? Does this mean you'll turn to someone else again to boost your own image because you are running yourself so far into the gutter?

You need to reach a place where you can listen, accept, acknowledge you understand the hurt and that you are there. There to listen. There to be a target when your BS needs to lash out. There to be a shoulder when they need one to cry on. And there for as long as it takes for your BS to work through the hurt and the pain. Our MC said early on it would take as long as it takes. There's no time line on hurt. Everyone will process it differently. We as a WS committed to R need to be on board to focus on our BS without showing signs we might cave for as long as it takes.

Neznayou posted 8/16/2014 03:48 AM

Wow. Listeningclosely. Very good point. Thank you.

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