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Is there hope after a false "R"?

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luluphoenix posted 8/14/2014 06:39 AM

D-day was Jan 10 this year. Two days ago, I accessed our phone records which I now realize I should have done a long time ago. His NC letter went out Jan. 28 and I truly believed that there had not been any form of communication. She called him on Feb. 7 and then there were sporadic calls (not daily, not even always weekly). Most are only 1-2 minutes long, but there are a few longish ones. The night I found out, he lied about the nature of the calls (that she was scared of me and that he was worried about what she or I would do so it was a way of checking up on me...if I'd contacted her, etc.) Turns out, he initiated contact less than 2 weeks after the NC letter. As he put it, "doesn't an alcoholic miss the bottle"?

I did text her after I found out about the continued contact. She responded to him and said that she didn't understand why I was writing her, that it was nearly a comedy act, and why did I think there was still contact? I guess in her world phone calls aren't contact. I don't know if they saw each other. Based on her texts to him, I would say no, but how naive am I? Also, I'm off work for the summer and he and I spent an absurd amount of time together so his chances of physically seeing her were minimal. Am I just trying to convince myself that there wasn't a continued PA?

I am crushed all over again. We had seemed to be on the path to R. People would ask how things are going and I would say he is doing all the things he should do. He had been in IC from Jan to April and then we started going together. He actually went to his EAP office twice yesterday and is going again today. The therapist said that this is my H's rock bottom. That his old coping mechanisms aren't working. To try and summarize H, his mother abandoned him when he was not quite 5 yrs old and his father mercilessly physically and emotionally abused him. Some seriously sick shit. H avoids conflict at all costs and has zero self esteem. The therapist said H was raised void of love and doesn't know how to be loved and gets angry at me for loving him (since he doesn't even love himself).

The kicker now is that H says he doesn't want a divorce. He admits that I was the one doing all the work in R, but damn he is good at "faking it until ya make it". I don't need to stay for kids or money. I don't know what to do. I have to go back to work next week. Oh...H also changed his work schedule to match mine so we would be home together more often.

Has anyone had a truly successful R after a false one? I took off my ring yesterday and looked up numbers for divorce lawyers. It's like I have one foot in each world and the indecision means I'm back to not sleeping or eating right. Fool me once...

MrsDoubtfire posted 8/14/2014 06:53 AM

Here I am.

I was in a false R for 9 months and during that time FWH told the OW we were S. He failed to tell me that though and I thought he was making all the right moves towards R (IC etc). But, my gut was still not relaxing and I kept wondering what wasn't quite right in all this.....

Meeting the OW and asking her outright if she was still playing hide the sausage with my FWH confirmed my fears (and broke her life to smithereens as she was now believing that I was wt out of the picture at that point!!!).

The very next day I took the gloves off, wiped my ass and put my big girl pants on.

I went NC with FWH, saw a lawyer and initiated D on the grounds of adultery!

Only when I stopped all contact and he realised he'd lost me already did FWH 's head get removed from his ass ( survival instruments weren't even required ) and he begged for another chance. That's when I hiked my big girl pants up a bit higher and stood my ground. IF he wanted a chance he had to go to IC and find out exactly what gave him permission to cheat and to cut that branch dead! Only once he could prove he'd changed and I could see true R would I then give him a chance.

It worked for us. We're still M and have a transformed relationship. Stay strong.

lostworld posted 8/14/2014 10:36 AM

I'm another who successfully made it through a long term false R. I believed the A ended after the first Dday, but it just went underground for over a year until I accidentally discovered it again--for the final time. We had been in therapy the entire false R and he acted like I hung the moon, but I can honestly say, my gut never felt settled and I never felt safe during that time of false R.

It has now been 6 years since the A ended, and 5 years since her last contact. She is still on my/our radar because we have work acquaintances/friends in common. Nevertheless, my H and I are thriving. We rebuilt our M, and while different than our earlier days, it is in some ways better than our preA marriage. Of course we are scarred by the A, and we would give almost anything to undo it, but we are very happy and so grateful to still be together.

True R was grueling, but not nearly as horrific as the time during the false R. We both stayed in IC/MC for a good 1.5 years after the real R began, and we each did a tremendous amount of work on ourselves and our relationship. We truly are at a wonderful place, so I know it is possible. He has to really do the work, and you have to know and believe that whatever decision you make, it is the right one for you. It takes a looong time to get through all this. I know I didn't consistently feel a lot better for a good couple of years, but there were good moments sprinkled throughout that made me want to continue. Be kind to yourself and give yourself the time to process all of this without feeling pushed to make a decision. Whatever happens, you're going to be ok--even if that seems impossible to imagine right now.

BtraydWife posted 8/14/2014 10:46 AM

R is always possible, but ONLY with a remorseful ws.

Have your list of requirements, he needs to agree to all of them and actually do them. Otherwise, he is showing he's not remorseful. If that's the case, refer to above. ONLY if they are remorseful.

Are you willing to walk away if he won't meet your requirements?

luluphoenix posted 8/14/2014 15:24 PM

Thanks to all for the feedback. It is good to know that others have made it through. I'm not sure yet what I want and appreciate the reminder that I don't have to decide today.

And yes, I am willing to walk away when I feel hope is lost. I guess I'm holding on to the tiniest flickering flame of hope right now.

I did tell him that his emotional health is paramount and that our marriage is secondary. We can't have a marriage if he doesn't address his issues. I'm not trying to play the martyr or sacrifice my own well-being, but his state of mind is fragile and I fear for him. I'm sort of in a static, protective mode today and yesterday and imagine I will be for a few more. Just trying to stay calm and consider the facts and options.

sri624 posted 8/15/2014 10:35 AM

hi there...i wanted to offer you some support and tell you that you are not alone. we are here for you. i too have experienced a false r. on dday....i was devastated. i think he felt guilty for getting caught...but he was not remorseful. i knew this in my heart...but didnt want to believe it because i was too afraid to lose him, you know? soooooooo, when he still went out...when i saw suspicious texts...and when he refused to give me access to his phone...i rug swept. pretty pathetic actually. fast forward 9 months later...i looked in his phone and found a dirty text to a woman at 4am. he met her on the of those dating sites. she knew he was married and they were in it together.

like you, it hurt so bad. what helped? putting on my big girls pants. i made a list of requirements...the first one being access to his phone records. he refused and left. i went no contact as well...and held firm. he finally got his head out of his ass....and that is when he gave me access to the records. he had been cheating the whole time. it was a nightmare.

that was almost 2 years ago. we have been in a real r during this time. why do i say that? because in my gut, i dont feel insecure and think he is still cheating. my gut told me that something was not right during the false r. now, even though it is painful...and i mean really painful at times...i do believe that it is authentic. i see the changes he has made in his life which include completing rehab...and being sober for this whole time in r....dumped his old friends, transparent, and agreed to go to mc. it has been very hard but i feel as though real work is being done. most of the issues i have now are with me. trying to deal with the pain that was inflicted on me and my family. i get help for that in ic. he helps me as well...but i really need my ic to help me with that.

i am not completely healed...and neither is my m. i think we are on the 5 year plan....since we are coming up on 2 years now. i do see sprinkles of happiness but not all the time. i believe that if things continue as they are...eventually i will get there.

false r is brutal..and i have posted on this a week ago. it is the hardest part for me. but with a remorseful husband, i think healing can be done.

hugs to you.

rachelc posted 8/15/2014 10:59 AM

I agree with's so tough, virtually impossible unless you just make a choice to forge on, feeling unsafe.

I think I would be much further along had he had one affair and confessed. But two and being caught, one red-handed so to speak... darn near impossible unless I just forget about it and jump in with both feet. It's so hard. I agonize over it and I don't want to punish myself anymore.

luluphoenix posted 8/15/2014 16:19 PM

rachelc, that's just it. I can't decide yet to forge on feeling unsafe. It was just Tuesday that I found out (3 days ago).
The urge right now is to RUN.

Several posted that during the false R your gut was telling you something was wrong. Mine too which is what eventually prompted me to ask for all his passwords. Well, I had asked before but our C had said it wasn't a good idea. I was right!

5 days after d-day1, I said I didn't want a divorce and a few weeks later, I said that I was jumping into working on our marriage with both feet. Now, H admits I was the only one doing all the real work (he put on a good show). I've told him that now I'm standing on the diving board and terrified of the water and feel it would be so much safer to just not go swimming at all.

Today I said that we should get new phone numbers. She is blocked in both our phones, but I'd rather just be completely rid of her remnants. He immediately started saying it was fine...IF and then a bunch of conditions (as long as it didn't affect his next upgrade or mess with his unlimited minutes 'cause he was grandfathered in, etc). I told him that people in our situation have quit jobs, sold homes, and moved states for their marriages and all I was asking was for new numbers. He angrily agreed and said we'd go to the At&T store next (we were out running errands). I recognized his anger and said no. We would not. That when he was ready to agree willingly and wholeheartedly and because he saw the good it would do us, then we could go.

Seems everyone agrees that IC is essential. He continues to go, but I've never felt a real connection with our therapist so I'm going to change. Maybe that will also help give me some clarity. That and petting my dogs.

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