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User Topic: Monkey metaphor
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read this short piece this morning. The monkey metaphor it starts with is perfect.

In India, there are a lot of monkeys. To catch one, residents anchor a bottle to the ground. The neck of the bottle is just large enough for a monkey's hand to fit through. Then, they put a small banana in the bottle, sit back and wait.

Pretty soon a monkey comes by and sees the banana. She reaches her hand into the bottle and grabs it. But then, she discovers she can't get her hand out of the bottle while holding onto the banana. The monkey chatters and squeals as the person who set the trap walks up to the monkey and places a burlap sack over him. Caught!

The monkey could, of course, could escape by letting go of the banana and running. Some do. But most of the monkeys hang on to the banana until a sack goes over their head. Why? Because the banana has value to the monkey and the monkey is unwilling to let go of that value--so unwilling that she'll willing to be captured and possibly lose her life.

People—including those in high conflict relationships (often with people who have borderline or narcissistic personality disorder) do the same thing (metaphorically, of course), even as they end the relationship. While they may have learned all about their partner's distorted thoughts, feelings, and behaviors, they have little insight into themselves and the "bananas" they're holding onto. This can get them into big trouble.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201205/dont-be-passive-when-divorcing-high-conflict-partners

[This message edited by kg201 at 6:55 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 803 | Registered: Aug 2013
ChangeMaker
♂ 43899
Member # 43899
Default  Posted: 7:37 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I told you my STBXWW was bananas!


"Everything works if you let it." - Travis W. Redfish

DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug


Posts: 438 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Ontario
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah fuck. I was definitely that monkey. I couldn't accept being so wrong. So wrong. It's still hard to accept to this day. I pretended for far longer than he bothered to keep up the act.



I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5734 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
cantaccept
♀ 37451
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I could really relate to that story.

The problem was what I valued was just an illusion. I gave him credit for much more than he ever deserved.


"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced!


Posts: 1590 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've heard the same thing about Racoons and shiny objects.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 2092 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
HurtingandLost
♂ 29322
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 1:54 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read that same article a few weeks ago. I'll second ChangeMakers comment!

I told you my STBXWW was bananas!


36 BH
Sons 16 and 8 Daughters 11, 7, 5.
Ex and STBX both cheated, thinking of getting a dog as a companion after D. At least they're loyal.

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: MidWest
Hurtingnnc
♀ 44284
Member # 44284
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling like that monkey these days. But damn I want that banana.


Me: BGF 45
Him: WBF
DD#1 5/30/14
DD#2 6/7/14
DD#3 6/18/14
It looks like we are done 9/15/14.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Jul 2014
Softcentre
39166
Member # 39166
Default  Posted: 2:09 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, right now I'm one of the monkeys that walked away, but REALLY wants to get back to that banana in a bottle, even though I can see it's a trap...need to read more of "Codependent No More" I think


Me: BW
Him: STBXWH 'The Arse' - passive aggressive, tt'ing, gaslighting...multiple EA's with different women (1 'proven') and at least 1 PA

Took a while, but I like the me I am, without him.

"Until God opens the next do


Posts: 1116 | Registered: May 2013 | From: UK
justme1264
♂ 42890
Member # 42890
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yup that's me...I couldn't accept my stbxww was such a horrible shell of a woman. I couldn't accept everyone was right about her and I was the one who was wrong. I just couldn't accept this woman I loved, adored, and cherished was such a parasite. I believed the beauty I saw in her (and there was real beauty in this woman) was going to come out eventually and mature her selfishness and self contentedness. I was wrong - dead wrong.


"Time" - It's the most despised curse word to a betrayed, and their best friend.

Posts: 553 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Hopeful74
♀ 44003
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Omg! I'm a freaking monkey!!!! This is perfect for me today. My sorry sack of s$&t H treated me like crap the night I caught him. Yes, I went straight to a lawyer the next day and he was served 3 weeks later and I began to move forward into acceptance. But, as soon as he came back with that banana, I so wanted to believe it was almost ripe and good for me! And then BAM! The damn sack got me!! And here I sit, feeling sorry for myself because I initiated NC (which was not hard on his part because he has obviously found someone else to occupy his time, something he is still denying because he is 'waiting on me'!) and wondering what is wrong with me that 1- my husband would do this to me in the first place and 2- why is it so easy for him to forget 18 years of history, 3 kids and the family we built together!!!
Sorry, I know this is a lighthearted thread. Just feeling a little bit blue this evening.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
kg201
♂ 40173
Member # 40173
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hopeful74))). It's easy for him to forget because he is more a Neanderthal than you are a monkey.

No more bananas for you.


Me: BH, 39
Her: WW, 40
Together 18 years, married 15+
LTA 3.5 years, ongoing
Dday: 7/28/13
Divorcing, 3 children
---------------------------------
"There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity." -S

Posts: 803 | Registered: Aug 2013
Hopeful74
♀ 44003
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. No more bananas for me! Thanks kg!!!


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
Topic Posts: 12

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