Married 29 years
3 amazing kids
Working hard to R
You can't get past it without that information and you should let him know that. Sadly, you cannot force him to tell you, but you can tell him what you will and will not accept from him--are you willing to stay married if he "can't remember" these things? It's unfair and crazy making and cruel of him to do that to you. I know how hard it is to be firm when you feel like you are pushing them into the arms of OW, but you'll probably have the most success if you tell him what you need and the consequences of not admitting and then follow up.
Finally we sat down and made a time- line. I also dug swap, searching the house, bank records, phone records, and ask a million questions. He's still not 100% on the dates.
[This message edited by Hurtbuthopeful35 at 8:35 AM, August 14th (Thursday)]
"I don't know/remember" is usually equal to, "I remember, but if I tell you, it might get worse for me, so Im keeping it to myself(and OW/OM)."
So..what do you do? You pull out old calendars, journals, old credit card bills, appointment books, pics, etc. Anything that will help them "remember" what they were doing during that time.
And if that still doesn't work? Then you tell them to give your question some serious thought..to think about it for a few days, then set a date to return to that question.
If he still doesn't remember? Well..again..it depends on what you want to know. If you absolutely NEED that answer...then tell him that. If he does absolutely nothing to help find that answer...then IMO..that tells you how dedicated they are to healing the damage they have caused. A remorseful WS who wants to R will do everything they can to help you heal..and that includes helping find the answers to the questions you have.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
It does depend on what things he cannot remember. The date with actual sex, that actually might not be easy to remember the exact date unless there is something else associated with it.
Like was it St patricks day and they drank green beer, or the day of the huge storm or the day you won the lottery.
Have him write out a complete timeline. Writing helps the memory.
And then there is the threat of a polygraph, sometimes that helps jog the memory.
If there are a few, and they are things you might not remember either, you can get over them.
But if most answers are I dont know and I dont remember, those will always remain unanswered questions, and they are very hard to get over.
It said you forget things for two reasons.
1-Because it was a long time ago. A long time ago is relative and differs for each person. They pointed out if the person can remember details from the time you are asking about but just not the details you want, odds are they are lying. But you also have to consider the second reason.
2-Because the information wasn't important to you. Again, this is relative so not something you can definitively pin down. If you ask me what color was the car opposite me at the light when I stopped to get milk this am, I wouldn't remember because it didn't matter to me. The comment above that someone made about knowing the date they made the biggest decision of their marriage doesn't work because of this second reason. Cheaters aren't honest with themselves about what they are really doing. It almost certain he didn't feel like he was making the biggest decision of his marriage that day so that reason for remembering won't work. What he might remember is their first time together. Just reframing the question sometimes works.
You have to take both reasons and carefully mix them with your gut feelings. Sometimes it's obvious, like this time with my wh.
I asked about what he did at a strip club. He claimed he was too drunk and it was too long ago (approx 12years) to remember. I asked for every detail he could recall.
He started spouting off with very detailed info regarding what the bus driver did in the club. I'll just say it was detailed info. Anyway, he was proud of himself and said in a snarky manner that I wanted Allthe details. At first I was ticked off because who cares about the bus driver but then I realized he gave himself away. It wasn't too long ago and he wasn't too drunk to remember very detailed information. So I called him on it and after several more arguments, after he realized I wasn't going to drop it, he told me what he had done at the strip club.
It's possible he didn't tell me everything or he made some things up. But he knew I knew he was lying when he said he couldn't remember at all. He had to provide some details.
Sometimes clinging to the lie is more important than hiding the details.
So consider those two things when you get the I don't remember answer. Keep in mind they have to be important for the cheater to note, and not what's important to you. Find a way to ask the question from all different angles. If pieces don't fit in from other versions, then push for more clarification.
Ask leading questions. Let them do the talking. Make note, of everything they say. It's ok to come back after a discussion and say, hey this doesn't make sense to me, please clarify it again.
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
Using this approach has opened up some deep discussions. After 26 years together, my H has divulged much about himself that he had been hiding.
All the best to you.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 12:06 PM, August 15th (Friday)]