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No contact really is key

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cantaccept posted 8/14/2014 09:00 AM

I have not had to have any contact with x for 8 whole days. I have been posting about how much better I am feeling since D. I have been consistently, every day a bit better, calmer, happier.

Until this morning...text, "I am coming to the house to split the wood and take it today and tomorrow".

I said "no, you have had 8 months to do this. Remove it and split it elsewhere. You left me a huge mess the last time and I do not want you at my house. We are divorced."

He responded that the wood will be my next two months alimony.

I can't describe the anxiety attack. The racing heart, the light headedness, the naseau. Then the anger that I still react like this.

No contact, it will save you. What a clear example for me.

ChangeMaker posted 8/14/2014 09:05 AM

Hi Can,

I'm not positive, but I'm pretty sure firewood as currency was not in the agreement.

Make sure to take appropriate action when he defaults on alimony.

If it were me, I'd give that firewood away or have the mother of all bonfires.

cantaccept posted 8/14/2014 09:20 AM

Hi Change,

That is exactly what I told myself about the threats to not pay. He is bluffing but if he is not I have the power. He does not have power over me anymore.

He sure tried though! He still wants to control. I have been asking him to remove the wood for 8 months, it was a disaster, strewn about the yard with chips and sawdust everywhere. My son and I cleaned it all, stacked it neatly and filled 30 bags with debris.

He has been emailing and calling me since D. I have just ignored it, no response to the, "you were the best thing in my life" garbage.

I guess he needed to change tactics to get a response.

He cannot hurt me ever again. He has no control over me.

Damn, I sure do hate that the emotions are still so close to the surface.

blakesteele posted 8/14/2014 09:45 AM

I am sorry he continues to be a source of pain for you. This is a clear statement he has no remorse over his actions and is actually quite comfortable acting in childish, selfish ways....just as he was while in his A, and most likely was for some time before he actually chose adultery.

Waywards LOVE the sense of control they falsely have....put much stock in that most of their lives. What they HATE is the reality that, while they control their choices, they have zero control over the very REAL consequences.

There is pain regardless of which path you take...key is to be able to process through that and choose healthy choices as you do.

You are doing well....keep the faith Can.


LoveHerStill posted 8/14/2014 14:44 PM


NC really is the key. To any member struggling with NC, I will say it was THE single key thing that allowed healing to begin for me.

I played the game far too long thinking that XWW would see my care and love and return. I felt obligated to remain in contact because that's what a loving husband does, right?

It brought massive pain, every single time. I was subjecting myself to unneccessary pain. Finally, I listened to my IC and everyone else and began NC. I failed many times and XWW would not respect it, but finally it worked.

I cannot express how much my life and health improved after that. NC really is fundamental to the whole process!

Cantaccept, I know the feeling well, the pain resurfacing and the confusion setting back in. I am so sorry. My suggestion is to give him two weeks to get the wood and everything else off your property then just use the wood and get rid of everything else. He has had plenty of time and no judge is going to back him for leaving it for so long or award him any monetary value for it.

I wish I could meet him by the woodpile and straighten him out on a few things.

Peace to you.

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