SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi All-

I had mediation this week and the mediator gave STBXWH 50/50 custody split because he felt he would get it in court anyway. Also my STBXWH's lawyer told him he could get him 50/50 split in court. He agreed to live and work close to my house. I don't have any proof that he is an unfit father. He is great with the kids now. He did not agree to the final proposal so nothing is set in stone yet. I might have to go to court due to disagreement on the financial side. What do you think about the 50/50 split? If you have this agreement, has it worked for you?

Hi Hopefull!! My husband and I have shared custody with me having primary custody. It is working out. No big problems except he tries I push boundaries when I give a little, so I have decided his weekends are his weekends and mine are mine. No more switching. And he gets one weekday evening a week. But, my 16 year dictates wen she spends time with him, per the court. It's not too bad. I kind of look forward to some me time every 2 weeks, but then I miss them and am happy to have them back with me Sunday nights!!

Wow, two hopeful members.

homefulmom44, what state are you in? That matters a lot. If you're in California and you don't have evidence that he's a horrible father, 50/50 is what you're likely to get.

I don't have any wisdom on how 50/50 has worked for people so I'm going to watch this thread...

If he is a good dad, AND will actually take them 50/50, then it's fine. If he doesn't actually take them 50% of the time, then he pays less CS while you do all the work and have all the expenses and you would have to take him back to court after tracking how often he does take them to get the CS raised.

Our mediator suggested 50/50 to my XH and he thought it sounded great!....until I pointed out to him that he had no idea (at that time) where he was going to be living, where would the kids go after school, that he wouldn't be home in time to get the kids to activities if it was his time. Mediator tried to still keep it pretty on paper and keep it 50/50 and said how about he pays you to babysit them on his days from after school until he gets there? I bristled. Umm, no. If they are in my care, they are in my custody. I am not BABYSITTING my own kids. I would still have to feed them, and drive all over to towns an hour away to get my son to his games, and he would meet us there to say, hey! It's his time? Ummm, no. We did not go 50/50. And I was right. He couldn't in any way shape or form do 50/50. 5 years later, he barely sees them. And at that time, I would have said he was a good dad, it was just that I knew he couldn't do the after school/extracurricular events timing because of his job.

If you think your STBXWH would actually do 50/50, without you having to be oncall all the time, then yeah, it could be great. If you don't think he can do it, then say no. Just because the mediator suggests it, it doesn't mean you have to say ok, you know? You are allowed to say no. Have you been tracking how much he looks after the kids now? Do you think he can do it?

It would have been over my dead body that I would have agreed to a 50/50 split. Luckily, my state does not default to it.

Does 50/50 have any bearing on CS? My state does not, but I know that some do, and I have seen a lot of WS's go for 50/50 because they did not want to pay CS, not because they actually cared about having their children 50%.

Also, keep in mind that 50/50 physical custody is not the same thing as joint legal custody. People confuse that frequently.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 1:10 PM, August 14th (Thursday)]

I'm going to watch this post too. I am going for primary physical custody, not sure about the joint legal...ugh.

So crappy that any of us even need to deal with this shit.

Hopeful-It's comforting to hear that it's working out for you. Maybe it can work for me, right now I am soo confused that all I want to do by instict is fight to keep my kids with me all the time.

mhca-I'm in Texas. Apparently in this state, the only way he can be restricted from his children is if he had an abuse case.

dmom-I've been very vigilant of the kids lately. He has spend more time with kids this summer, than he did over the last 2 years. He is a good dad. However, most of his free time over the last 4 yrs he spent it with the other woman telling me he was working. Well, I take that back, he was not a good dad.

I was told by my attorney that if WH asked for 50/50 custody like he was threatening to do, the court would honor it as they feel a child needs equal time with each parent. However, my WH has backed off after considering his work schedule (no days off without the kids) and the huge change this would be for my kids. I guess it works in some circumstances but I wouldn't agree to it in my case.

Sounds like TX is like CA then.

FWIW, I will die on the hill rather than agree to anything less than joint legal custody. Ceding my rights as a father to a woman who uses Ashley Madison just ain't gonna happen.

50/50 joint physical custody does NOT mean you don't pay child support. (at least not in Oklahoma). However, it may if your salaries are identical.

Most formulas are tied to the ratio of your respective incomes, and time with each parent. The higher wage earner will usually pay the lower wage earner child support even with 50/50 joint physical custody.

It has worked ok so far for us. It is not uncommon for her to ask me to keep DS 12 during her week if she has something come up. She was sick last weekend so i kept DS12 until she felt better. I have never turned down time with my kids if i am free or can get free. She has helped me for the most part too.

As much as i sometimes really hate her, i can't complain about our arrangement. other than she let's them get away with way more than i do.

XH and I have joint legal custody and I have primary custody. XH has our sons every other weekend and for dinner 2 nights a week. They can't stay the night unless XH isn't working.

When XH is laid off, we have close to 50/50 split time. XH wanted to have the arrangement of alternating weeks, but I wouldn't agree to going a week without seeing my boys. Instead, we alternate days. It's confusing, but it seemed to work while he was laid off. I got the boys Tuesday, Thursday, Sunday. He got the boys Monday and Wednesday. We alternated Friday and Saturday with the every other weekends. I was nervous about this arrangement because I had to give up some control. I was the one who always took the kids to school and picked them up. I helped them with home work and so on. XH was able to step up a bit and he was involved with them more while he was off. Now that he's back to work, it's up to me again.

Are your kids in school? Will he be able to pick them up and drop them off on his days?

little-

My kids (DD6 & DS 9) will start school in two weeks. I feel they are too little to be going back and forth every week. Are your kiddos older or younger?

I can't help but bristle a little at your comments dmom. I want to maintain a relationship with my children. As a provider, it is not as easy as you pointed out. I would take them everyday if I could, and did for about 6mo. I know how hard it is. It is also EXTREMELY difficult to pay her support, 75% of child support (how much OH reckons I owe her for a "50/50" split) and also try and pay for afterschool/beforeschool care. I have tried to get my STBXWW to work with me on helping with the children after school care and my youngest during the day while I work, but she has demanded compensation. In a way, that seems fair, BUT she is 1) not working, and 2) already getting every spare dollar I have! Just so you know, the STBXWW has a degree and works for about $25-30/hr whenever she is in the mood to do so. I am living on a fucking credit card, which is something I swore I would never do, because of the court ordered support and the fact I have no family support system anywhere nearby to help with things like childcare and housing expenses.

I would rather the children be able to spend time with her rather than a sitter. I would compensate her, but wtf, I don't have any more money!

Sorry, maybe this should have gone on another rant thread or something. I just know the children have been my world since this happened. I would give more money for more time, but I don't have it to give. My fear is I will not be able to afford to care for the children 50% of the time and which will lead to an erosion of my bond with them. So yes, it is also about the freaking money. I hate that it is, but it is.

Also, I know every situation is different, so I'm not trying to judge anyone. But if you can help your children maintain a relationship with the other parent and the other parent is willing, why not do it? I will and I can't stand her, but she is their mother (vice-versa for the other gender).

KingsJ-

In my case, STBXWH got 50/50 split and is paying child support based on state guidelines. (he couldn't win the child support battle with the mediator). He will not be paying for anything else. This support will barely cover after school care and school lunches. Wow. You are paying lots of CS!

I'm in MD and they too make it pretty hard to agree to anything other than a 50/50 split. I'm early in my D proceedings - haven't gone to mediation or custody hearings yet - but our paperwork is already written to be 50/50 physical and legal custody.

Like everyone on this thread, I would take sole custody if I could but she's only been shitty to me - not my DD - to warrant getting it in court. So, I am going to have to make it work when the time we live separately occurs.

I am also in Texas and I had an initial consultation with an attorney a few weeks ago.

I'm a stay at home dad and have a child on the autism spectrum.

The attorney told me that unless my wife was an unfit mother, she can and will get 50/50 physical custody. However, she would still be responsible for child support and possibly spousal support for up to 5 years.

Another MDer. They default to 50/50 and joint legal. But we have NO paperwork on legal custody because we can't agree.

STBX waived 50/50. The mediator offered it. He realized that a toddler totally cramps the bachelor lifestyle.

I am trying to get sole legal. This may be the hill I die on.

A friend of mine has 50/50 custody with his ex wife. It started when the kids were 6 and 8. It works for them.

They live a few miles from each other. The kids spend one week with him and one with her, then back to him, etc. He works out of state every other week. She actually has them four days more than him a month. An extra day a week due to his schedule. He pays cs for those four days. They are both high income earners with salaries close to each others at the time of the divorce,which is why he only pays those days. He makes much more than her now.

eta..double post

[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 1:44 AM, August 15th (Friday)]

eta..triple post..sorry, it's one of those days

[This message edited by Feelthrownaway at 1:45 AM, August 15th (Friday)]