Topic: Nine months...
Member # 33226
| Posted: 12:55 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
The mail delivered a bit of a blow this afternoon. The first envelope I opened held a very small check, proceeds from an old life insurance policy my grandparent's had taken out on my father back in the 30s when he was a child. I imagined them on the farm in Kansas, making do with so little, and yet somehow scraping up spare change to put towards a bit of security for their firstborn. It made me smile to think of their love for dad and the sacrifices they made for him and their other kids.
The second envelope had a letter from hospice. A note that enumerated the support services and resources that were available to me, and then described some common milestones for people who are grieving a loss. I felt like the milestones they described were way too fast - that I was no where near reaching them, and I was a little perturbed at being rushed by the letter, as if my grieving for my father should be further along at one month out than it was.
Then I came to the paragraph that started with the words, "Nine months have passed since the loss of your loved one." It knocked the wind out of me - this letter was about my mother's passing, not my father's.
I've been wrapped up in my dad's passing for several months now - spending as much time with him as I could while he was fading, holding his hand through his last breaths, planning and walking through his services, helping my children make sense of it all, working through estate details and paperwork... .
All the while, the grief for my mother waited patiently. Biding it's time, waiting for me to remember where I'd left it. Today's letter opened the door and invited it back in.
And I cannot believe she's been gone nine months. It was just yesterday. I swear.
You can call me NIK
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
Posts: 39870 | Registered: Aug 2011
Member # 21101
| Posted: 1:01 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Where does the time go.
Now you can grieve the loss of both of them, and take just a tiny bit of peace in it knowing they are together again.
Take your time through this process, and let the happy memories of your parents ease your pain.
Kids: 16 & 18
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.
Posts: 12778 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 16024
| Posted: 2:20 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
You've had a lot of loss this past year. I'm sorry for your pain.
“Empathy has no script. There is no right way or wrong way to do it. It’s simply listening, holding space, withholding judgment, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of “you’re not alone.” ~ Brene Brown
Posts: 54906 | Registered: Sep 2007
Member # 20150
| Posted: 2:31 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
I had a dream about my mum last night, it was lovely.
She's been away three years and nine months now.
They stay with us. I believe that.
DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire
Posts: 20288 | Registered: Jul 2008 | From: Canada
Member # 40229
| Posted: 2:33 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
"Bitch please a good man can't be stolen." ROFLMAO - SBB
Posts: 4183 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Member # 22870
| Posted: 2:35 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
I'm so sorry for both of your losses.
You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright
Posts: 9094 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Western PA
Member # 26531
| Posted: 3:16 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Me: BSO - 48
Him: FWSO - 71
DS - 15
D-Day - 12-11-09,
R - he finally came home
Your life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"
Posts: 25864 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Florida
Member # 16671
| Posted: 3:26 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
OH NIK, I'm sorry for both losses.
What a blow to lose them both in the same year.
Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)
Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 -
No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.
Posts: 4880 | Registered: Oct 2007
Member # 31528
| Posted: 3:48 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
I'm so sorry for your losses. Sending hugs your way.
Posts: 49465 | Registered: Mar 2011
Member # 33699
| Posted: 4:25 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Wow. That letter must have felt like a stomach punch. So sorry you've had to go through so much.
"Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indominable will" - Mahatma Gandi
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
Posts: 3986 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: Georgia
Member # 27035
| Posted: 4:49 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
((NIK)) I'm so sorry for your loss. My father has been gone nearly two years and it still feels like it just happened on some days.
"On particularly rough days when I'm sure I can't possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so far is 100% and that's pretty good."
Posts: 5379 | Registered: Jan 2010 | From: Midwest
Member # 31240
| Posted: 4:50 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Rough year - too rough to take in all at once. I can't help feeling, though, that the pain varies in relation to value of the relationship.
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.
Posts: 15572 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
|Sad in AZ|
Member # 24239
| Posted: 5:21 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
I hope you do now take the time to greive both of them.
You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
Posts: 24914 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Arizona
Member # 24518
| Posted: 7:06 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
(((nik))) big hugs, sweetie.
Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing we'll ever do. ~ Brené Brown
Posts: 12919 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
Member # 39439
| Posted: 7:43 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
So sorry nik. (((Hugs)))
And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!
Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Member # 12041
| Posted: 7:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
It's been a vicious year for you nik. I hope so much you get some peace now and the room you need to grieve and start to heal.
Go softly my sweet friend. You will always be a part of who I am.
Posts: 51541 | Registered: Sep 2006
Member # 36134
| Posted: 8:03 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.
Posts: 6703 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Member # 34722
| Posted: 8:31 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
((((NIK)))) I'm so sorry you didn't get the time to grieve one loss before it became compounded.
You had such a strong bond within your family that I know you have wonderful memories to bring you smiles to counter the grief.
I agree that the thought of them being back together can bring comfort. My Mom passed away in summer, my Dad later, during winter, when he couldn't be buried. The date the funeral director found to coordinate everything for his burial happened to be my Mom's birthday. We thought it was a fitting time to do it.
Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?
Posts: 3639 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: the Other Side
Member # 17460
| Posted: 8:44 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Major squeezes my friend.
Fidelity isn't a feeling...it's a choice.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
One AMAZING DS - 34
Posts: 21377 | Registered: Dec 2007 | From: Been Through Hell...On My Way Back
Member # 20563
| Posted: 9:19 PM, August 14th (Thursday), 2014|
Him- FWS (I hope- F)
Posts: 8222 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Not Oz
|Topic Posts: 39|