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How can I tell my real reason for staying?

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Daisy312 posted 8/14/2014 15:03 PM

I have been with FWH for 17yrs I'm only 33 so it's half my life! Dday was 10 days before the birth of my 2nd dd. at first I was all in, ready to fight for my M. Now 2.5 yrs later I'm not sure what I want. There are many days i feel numb toward him. I think I love him, see many positive changes but there are still moments when I see this angry jerk that he used to be. I think about D often but can't bring myself to make that leap. Idk what's keeping me? Is it familiarity, my kids, love, the idea of this family, etc... How do I figure out what is keeping me here. I say I'm in R, but even that is scary for me.

BtraydWife posted 8/14/2014 15:15 PM

I'd say not to put pressure on yourself about it. Try to step back and realize what you like about staying and what is appealing about leaving. Sometimes this takes a while to sort out.

saturnpatrick posted 8/14/2014 15:17 PM

Do you feel like you are missing something from your relationship right now?

Do you imagine what it would be like to be with someone else? If so, what does that imaginary someone offer that your husband does not?

Maybe you are thinking that this M does not suit you, but in my experience, sometimes just having a single need going unmet can make the whole M feel like it isn't right. I'm just curious if maybe the M is 95% right for you but you are missing a little something and that is skewing things?

If this is the case, and if you can identify what it is you are missing, what would happen if you could fix it?

As a quick example, sex is a major need for me. If my W and I go without sex for a little while (a week, maybe two), I understand. Longer than that and I start to wonder why she doesn't love me, what is wrong with me, maybe we aren't meant to be together, etc. It really escalates quickly for me. Remarkably, after a stretch like that, like the moment after having sex again I am immediately 100% back into the M and wonder what the heck I was thinking before.

The 'someone' exercise above might help you identify what is currently missing if it is currently missing. Then you and your H can work on that and who knows how things will be after that if you can improve that area of your M?

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