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mom2my4kiddos posted 8/14/2014 18:58 PM

So, the latest piece of news is that my DH wasn't Just miserable for 20 years, he not only dislikes almost everything about me, but the AP was an "extremely sensual person" and I'm not apparently. I'm not going to go into the details of the things that were UN fulfilling in our sex life, but suffice it to say that I'm not even sure I'll ever want to have sex with ANYONE ever again after our talk the other night. the sad thing is that I truly believe he's trying to help me. .......it's just a shame it is coming now and not When we had such passion for each other. Another thing he says our marriage lacks. Meanwhile, he's trying to get over her, past his anger at himself, her AND me, angry all of the time, bouncing from one extreme to the other, yet he is afraid I won't still be there when he is done working through this and HE'S ready to be all in.
So confused and sad. .....

LA44 posted 8/14/2014 19:43 PM

So, the latest piece of news is that my DH wasn't Just miserable for 20 years, he not only dislikes almost everything about me

Your H - if he even has half a brain in his head - is going to shudder when he comes out of the dense fog he is currently in. Do NOT take the things he is saying now as THE TRUTH.

I am so sick to my stomach when I read some of the things a WS will say during the very early stages. My H cannot believe some of the crap he said in the early months. He looks at me with disbelief when I mention something.

((mom)), you deserve more and I do hope you find yourself knee-deep in it one day. Deep breaths, every minute/all day long.

Holly-Isis posted 8/14/2014 20:07 PM

Seriously, if someone stayed in a M that was that miserable and passionless for 20 years then that is a very stupid someone. Someone that stupid should be given the gift of being single because obviously D and MC are beyond their ken.

Snark aside, LA is right. It's the fog (cognitive dissonance).

You don't have to take it. It's verbal and emotional abuse and I say screw the fog. That kind of damage to your heart and ego is extremely difficult to get over. If he doesn't want to be constructive and wants to wax poetic about the AP, he can do it somewhere not near you.

LA44 posted 8/14/2014 20:21 PM

If he doesn't want to be constructive and wants to wax poetic about the AP, he can do it somewhere not near you.

Holly is right, mom2my4...do not let him go on about the AP and her sensuality. Unacceptable.

Hatemyhusband posted 8/14/2014 20:56 PM

I'd be sensual if I escaped reality and lived fantasy sex life.
Instead, I have kids at home. I have real life issues. I don't plan sexcapades and spend loads on sexy lingerie bc reality is, my kids come before me and we have bills

A sex is fantasy. It's what u read about in books. It's not happening here unless he shells out cash to get a sitter while we get a hotel room.

Fantasy vs reality.

And here's another pt. She's sensual but is she loyal, dedicated, faithful like you were? Of course not. So pick one! Does he want a self absorbed sensual AP or his reality wife who is dedicated, loyal and who luvs him.

bionicgal posted 8/14/2014 21:50 PM

Fire up the lighthouse, the fog is thick in here!!

Hon, we've all heard horrible, foggy stuff from waywards. My husband cringes at things he said even 2-3 months out from dday. Hang in there. Read. (Not just Friends for both of you.)

Search for the thread "they always affair down, " it will give you perspective.

Jrazz posted 8/14/2014 22:03 PM

You need to remember that every word out of his mouth is a reflection of the brokenness inside of him and not a measure of anything having to do with you.

I mean, sure, people can be unhappy in relationships, but there's a difference between discontent and the cruel rantings of a narcissist. Of COURSE you have to be the problem, or else he has to accept responsibility for his actions. He may dip a toe in "anger" at himself, but it's not exploratory - it's reflexive and fleeting.

Please regard everything he says as the real measure of how poor of a partner he is. He didn't tend his garden and now it has wilted and he's going to blame the starving flowers rather than himself for neglecting it.

YOU are worthy of so much more love and respect. Don't be afraid to demand it.


(((m2m4k)))

gonnabe2016 posted 8/14/2014 22:17 PM

Damn. I almost think that you should stop talking to him for a while until he has a SIGNIFICANT (and *meaningful*) amount of IC under his belt.

Please, just THINK about and internalize the dichotomy of what you've just learned.
Paraphrased, he pretty much seems to have told you that he doesn't even like you and you suck at sex.....BUT YET he's afraid that you won't "still be there" when he's ready to be *all in*.
What????

Think about it, if you are so damn awful, why would he even consider staying with you?
He's blameshifting......and I would advise you to not validate any of it.

heartbrokeninaz posted 8/14/2014 22:53 PM

Ummm you have 4 kids together, and your not sensual? Yeah right.

sisoon posted 8/15/2014 11:29 AM

You should definitely stop listening to your H. He's rewriting history to delude himself and justify his A, and the way he's doing it is very damaging to your self-esteem. Again, stop listening.

Are you in IC? IMO, you could use some IRL support, and a good IC can help you give yourself the support you need - and support from yourself is the most powerful support a person can give and get.

Have you read about the 180? (see http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11) A lot of the tactics might be very useful for you.

Unfortunately, your H doesn't yet get it, so nothing will change unless you change it. Your life is in your hands. The good news is: you can do this.

bionicgal posted 8/15/2014 11:44 AM

Mom2my,
Here you go -- this helped me a lot in the beginning, to get my head on straight. .

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=326449

Didact posted 8/15/2014 12:21 PM

What LA44 said couldn't be more true:

Your H - if he even has half a brain in his head - is going to shudder when he comes out of the dense fog he is currently in. Do NOT take the things he is saying now as THE TRUTH.

I am so sick to my stomach when I read some of the things a WS will say during the very early stages. My H cannot believe some of the crap he said in the early months. He looks at me with disbelief when I mention something.

My WW came out of that fog relatively quick, but before she did she made some rather brutal and awful comparisons. She says she deeply regrets saying them and says they aren't true. They hurt, and the effect of those statements won't fade for a long time.

I only resolved it in my head because she really appears to be "all in" and says that it was a bit out of the anger and shock at the affair being ended so abruptly.

I have to believe that if/when your WH "gets it," he's going to be sick at what he said.

painfulpast posted 8/15/2014 14:53 PM

m2m4k,

First, (((((hugs)))))

I'm sure what he said gutted you and made you feel simply ashamed to be breathing. I've been there. A lot of us have. Here's the thing - he's full of shit.

It's called 'rewriting the marital history', and it's one way that WSs justify having the A. Oh, the marriage was bad, the sex was bad, I didn't love you, blahdeblahdeblah. It's garbage, every last word.

Why is this done? Because, if YOU are the problem, the HE was fully justified to go outside of the marriage. If you aren't the problem, then he's a real pile of dog shit, isn't he? And he can't have that, so he's created ways for his A to be because of you.

As hard as it is, don't listen to him. If he starts it again, cut him off. Tell him, coldly if possible, that his decision to cheat was HIS, and had nothing to do with you. If there were problems, he should have tried to fix things. He should have suggested counseling. He should have tried to spice things up. He didn't, and do you know why? BECAUSE IT'S LIES HE HAS CREATED TO SHIFT THE BLAME FROM HIM TO ANYONE ELSE. So cut it off. Tell him that when he's ready to accept the blame for his cheating, you'll talk. You won't talk about anything that shifts the blame off of him.

Regarding OW and her 'sensuality'.

Here's the deal - lots of OW and OM do things in an A that they don't do in their marriage. Why? Because if the AP decides they're a freak, who cares? Just find a new AP. If not, well, aren't they just sooooo much better than the BS? They aren't better. They're doing things to try to be more exciting, more desirable, etc. Basically, they're doing anything and everything to keep the affair going. In a not so nice way, they're filling the role of whore. That's not really what you're after, is it?

If your WS is still so far in the fog, have you thought about implementing the 180? The only thing he has to offer right now is more hurt feelings and bad memories.

mom2my4kiddos posted 8/15/2014 20:12 PM

Thanks everyone for the support and positive feedback. I'm wworking the 180 and we have an initial appt with a counselor next week.

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