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How to begin to forgive myself?

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Hopeful74 posted 8/14/2014 23:01 PM

My therapist once told me that I needed to forgive myself. I thought she meant to forgive myself for my mistakes in my marriage. But then someone on here (I wish I could remember who it was) said that we need to forgive ourselves for letting our WS treat us so badly. That made perfect sense to me! I think back to the time of his affair and the things he did and wonder why did I not fight harder?! I knew something was up and I just let it happen! Why?!?!? Because I trusted him and wanted to believe the bullshit he was telling me? Because I believed that he loved me above all else?! Because I believed he would never do this to me? Yes to all of the above! How could I be so stupid and spineless?!? And, more importantly, how do I forgive myself so that I can move on and stop romaticizing the man who broke my heart so completely? I know what he is now, so why does it make me sad that he isn't fighting for me?!

deena posted 8/14/2014 23:09 PM

I know what he is now, so why does it make me sad that he isn't fighting for me?!

I understand this and feel the same.
Maybe it's
Because that is who we picked to fall in love with.
We let down our guard and trusted someone who didn't deserve our trust. Who shattered it.
It is not our fault. We know that!! We just have to get past it.


StillLivin posted 8/14/2014 23:13 PM

Uhggg, I'm probably going to suck at verbalizing this but here goes.
For me, I had to honestly and thoroughly assess why I allowed so much BS in my life.
I came to the conclusion that some of it was not making excuses but legitimate reasons for overlooking SOME of his behavior. I also found that I wanted so badly to have him be the man I wanted him to be and the man he pretended to be when we dated and first got M.
Once I determined my why's, I had to ask myself another question? Why did I need so badly for him to be the man I wanted him to still be? I had abandonment issues that ran pretty deep. So deep, that I let it rule my decisions.
I'm working on loving myself more and more every day now.
I'm not the same woman anymore. I will not allow BS in ANY of my relationships anymore. That is for platonic relationships as well as romantic.
But I had to make the changes within myself and let go of my anger at myself and recognize that I was just hurting and had suppressed it since childhood. Once you recognize your true why's and deal with those FOO issues, you will come to self forgiveness and even understanding and healing.

Hopeful74 posted 8/14/2014 23:15 PM

Thank you Deena. The intelligent part of me knows that he is the broken one. But the emotional part of me can't help wondering why he didn't love me more. How could he jump into a relationship and throw me and our family away after knowing her for a month! One f$&@"$g month, and I meant nothing!

Hopeful74 posted 8/14/2014 23:35 PM

Wow stillliving! You sound a lot like me. I have abandonment issues, as well and I never really dealt with things. I hate confrontation! I prefer to stick my head in the sand until it passes, something I hope to work through. I am making progress and strive to be a mentally healthy human being some day. When I think about the A, it's usually how in my face she was about it and it makes me sick to my stomach that I allowed that. That I trusted him and essentially turned a blind eye. And it makes me furious! At me, for not standing up for myself.

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