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how can i tell

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brokendreams01 posted 8/14/2014 23:12 PM

I'm ashamed of the pain and heartbreak I have caused my wife and our children. I have cheated 2 times in the first year of our marriage. I think this was because of my issues with being adopted and a desire to intentionally make our marriage fail, also because of my fear to be truly intimate. Not in a sexual manner but one in which we truly connect on that deep emotional level.
We made it to 13 years down the road and with some good times and some bad.
So last end of may I did it again. I am such a fool. I had been trying to talk with my beloved wife but it seemed to me at that time that all it was doing was bothering her while she was reading. So I gave up. In my mind I guess that I figured that she gave up and so did I. All I really wanted was to feel that connection with my wife but it seemed like it wasn't what she was interested in.
I'm so sorry .... I gave up .
I stopped trying and a woman at a former place of employment who was flirtatious gave me the connection I needed. I never set out with the intention of cheating but I wasn't in the right mind.
it hurts when you can't receive the emotional and physical attention you crave.
So about 2 weeks go by and I'm ggetting my communication and emotional needs fulfilled by this emotional affair.this was in mid may through the end of may.
by this time in my mind my marriage was over and I was not thinking clearly only lying to myself. So at this time I was working about 70 hours per week and just got my paycheck. Because I work a construction job and some employers cheat my check was short. I had called my wife and ended up in a big fight over the phone about it. She told me either quit this job or don't come home.
I guess in my head I used that as the justification at That time. So after I got oout of work I went to the other woman house. We had dinner and drinks and than drank heavily. Than I cheated physically.
This is entirely my fault was my choice and no blame is being placed on my wife and her broken heart.
2 weeks timeframe it took me to destroy our marriage because I gave up.
And I was wrong. I never wanted that other woman only my wife.
So the next morning everything comes out in the open but I'm still stuck having to work. I got home at about 2 am functioning on 2 hours of sleep in 2 days. I was still not right in my mind. I slept and the next morning we fought all bitterness anger hurt and hatred from both of us. We decided it was over and I would stay in the camper at my sisters. This was on Sunday. That night while I was at my sisters I called and she said she was going to take a bunch of pills.
I think this is when I woke up and really began to realize what I've done and just what my wife and our marriage and family mean to me. So I rushed back to home and she and I talk. Kind of heart to heart at least for awhile. We redecide to try to work it out.
I started a desperate search on the net to try to find any help and advice I could the first week of June. I found a book series and started and she did too. By this time all contact with the other woman was completely cut off by my own free will. We got 2 books of 30 or so pages in and than it kind of stopped. I started Journaling especially when I was upset and would write my anger down not what I really felt or wanted. Things looked like we might have a chance but because I'm being completely transparent she read my anger in my diary and things have only been whatsseems to be downhill since than.
we attended 1 marriage counseling session
and I read every thing I can about surviving infidelity in marriage and everything I'mllearning I'm trying to implement in our marriage but to me it only seems like she is going through the motion but not really trying. I know it's a lot to process and I'm blessed to still even be together at this point but I can't help but think she will just say to hell with it it's not worth the effort or pain anymore. She says she is in love with me and loves me and needs time to process. I understand. She says by me trying to make things right and by doing what I'm doing that I'm smothering her and she needs time to figure out if she really wants our marriage. If anyone could please help cause I feel like I'm going crazy and I don'tkknow what to do if anything. I don't want to lose my wife and family. How can I tell if she is really trying? How can I stop all this pain I've caused? How can I forgive myself? Is there any hope?
I will try to post some more details as I can.

PenitentMan posted 8/14/2014 23:33 PM

If she's still with you, she's trying.. The end of May isn't that long ago and these things take time. Lots of time. 2 to 5 years of time. So strap yourself in for the rollercoaster. Good days. Bad days. Get comfortable being uncomfortable. If she says you're smothering her, then you are. I know you desperately want to make things right and the best thing you can do is step back and give her space. That doesn't mean giving up, it just means leaving her alone when she asks you to. The helplessness feeling sucks, but it's out of your hands now. Others will be along with other/better advice. You're in good company here. I too have multiple infidelities and know what you're going through. If you're dedicated to changing for the better and you have a strong wife who loves you despite the horrible choices you made, then you have a chance. I wish you luck. Keep reading here and posting. There's lots of good advice in these pages.

somethingremorse posted 8/15/2014 08:05 AM

I am sorry that you are here, but glad that you found this place. It has helped me a lot. Read HUFI's thread that was bumped. Look in the Healing Library here. These threads and bits of advice are sometimes easier to get through than a book.

I know the feeling of just giving up on your marriage. When everything you think is happening to you is wrong. I wish I would have had the courage to drag myself into IC and my BW into MC before it got too bad. You are not alone.

Use this to fix yourself. Figure out how you need to fulfill that need for communication and intimacy.

Hang in there.

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