SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Why

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

toasted22 posted 8/15/2014 03:07 AM

My BS still asks me after over 2 years from DD the 'Why' question.

I have explored it deeply with two IC's, read and reflected with IC's and BS about what I have discovered.

My IC's feel that I come to the bottom of the 'Why', have made significant changes, stronger boundaries etc

This still does not satisfy my BS.

I believe she is wanting one answer, so if we can change that one thing she will be totally assured that this would never happen again.

There isn't one thing but a combination of many factors, all of which I have covered off as best I can with my IC's.

I don't know what to do to bring an assurance that satisfies her.

I am being consistent in my behavior as I humanly can be. All giving her opportunity to hopefully rebuild trust

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 07:23 AM

Then what is your why?

trip3 posted 8/15/2014 07:31 AM

At this point, I don't think your BS wants an actual answer. It's a rhetorical why. After two years, you've exhausted everything you can say or answer, so it's gotta be rhetorical at this point.

Listeningclosely posted 8/15/2014 13:50 PM

There isn't one thing but a combination of many factors, all of which I have covered off as best I can with my IC's.

If this is the case, then there is a better way to answer the question. I can't tell you how to state it, because that has to come from within yourself.

For me, it might be something like this:

I've learned that for a multitude of reasons, I don't have a very high opinion of myself. I have relied on others to pick me up through compliments and other forms of external validation. In any long term relationship, like a marriage, that's not sustainable. There will be times when your spouses opinion of you will not be a good one because you did something that bothered or hurt them. In those moments in my past, I turned to others to keep me from hitting bottom.

Knowing that now, I've used resources like counseling and The Assertiveness Workbook to find ways to build my own self talk track. When we hit a low point as a couple, I leverage those new skills to pick myself up rather than asking others to boost my feelings. Since I don't need to rely on the adoration of others, there's no reason for me to look anywhere but to my BW and family who love me for support. That's what will keep me from making the same choices in the future as I did in my past.

When you can give an answer that outwardly shows you know what traits caused you to choose to stray, and what skills or techniques you are using that ensure you won't do it again, it becomes a step toward the assurance your BS needs. Don't get me wrong. 100% blind trust is highly unlikely to ever exist again. But you can reach a much safer feeling as a couple when you can state clearly what ensures you won't inflict that same pain again.

[This message edited by Listeningclosely at 1:51 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

caspers1wish posted 8/15/2014 13:56 PM

I believe that sometimes even when there is a valid why or the why has been found, it is still not enough, it's just not good enough. And just asking why is such a loaded question. Why did you do this, why did this happen to me/us. Those questions burn for a very long time, and it's angering and frustrating to feel the burning of "why".

I think it's just going to be some patience on your part because she doesn't understand how you could hurt her the way you did. She may never be satisfied with your why. All you can do is live authentically, openly, and demonstrate boundaries and integrity. It will take time and consistent behavior.

toasted22 posted 8/16/2014 23:39 PM

Thanks for these great responses. Thanks Listeningclosely, i think your letter has given me some ideas.

Thanks caspers1wish I am trying to be super consistant etc like you say.

Thanks for all your encouragements to 'live authentically, openly, and demonstrate boundaries and integrity'.

Going to read the Assertiveness Workbook

toasted22 posted 8/17/2014 02:33 AM

Thanks for these great responses. Thanks Listeningclosely, i think your letter has given me some ideas.

Thanks caspers1wish I am trying to be super consistant etc like you say.

Thanks for all your encouragements to 'live authentically, openly, and demonstrate boundaries and integrity'.

Going to read the Assertiveness Workbook

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.