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What's a girl to do?

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fragmented posted 8/15/2014 07:57 AM

I am 2 months past D-Day,and truly, the thought of divorce was never seriously considered. I believe that my husband is a good person and will do the right thing from now forward. However, I don't even know us right now. I can barely figure out who I am anymore, much less determine a good path for our relationship. Will the attention he is paying eventually wear away? Will my sadness and neediness make him lose interest? Will we ever have truly happy/funny moments again...or will the dark cloud loom forever?

TheIrishGirl posted 8/15/2014 10:18 AM

If you both do the work to get through this, the dark cloud will shrink, and maybe just be over on the horizon rather than hanging over your head. The attention he's paying you- is it real and sustainable, or is he doing a whole lot of nice things to help you forget the bad things he did before?

Stick around, read a lot, get him to read, and consider getting into counseling- him, you, together. It can be done.

notanavrageangel posted 8/15/2014 10:23 AM

fragmented -

I am a little less along than you are, but I sometimes struggle with the same feelings. I am so emotional lately (i have always been a sensitive person but crying almost daily is NOT fun). My WH has been SOOO remorseful at least from what I can tell. Seems to be doing all the right things. Makes you kind of wonder where this man was before, and that's part of my struggle, but I know he was suffering internally and keeping a lot about his past from me to "protect himself"...a lot of good that did.

Anyway, I try to stay cautiously optemistic. I know I want this M to work, and D is not even on my mind. It's just a constant struggle. Communicate your feelings to your WH. Let him know how much you appreciate everything he has been doing right to help you heal, and that you hope he continues to care for you this way for a long time. Remind him healing takes a long time, and you're in it for the long run, you just want to be sure he is also. My WH has committed to never going back to his old ways again, and that gives me some comfort. Sorry you have found yourself in the club no one ever wants to join.


sisoon posted 8/15/2014 10:44 AM

For me, the 1st 3 months was a constant spiral of feeling worse and worse. I think it was complicated by shock. About 3 months out, I plateaued and started feeling brief moments of joy again.

I'm only one data point on this, but at least to me, what you're describing seems normal, and you will probably feel better as time goes on.

I say 'probably', because IMO feeling better takes work and courage. I urge you to welcome the grief, anger, and fear that comes with being betrayed. Those feelings are in your body, and IMO you either store them or let them go - and letting the feelings course through your body is the best way to let them go that I've come across. That may not be the only way to resolve feelings, but it's the only way I know.

If you resolve the feelings of being betrayed, you will survive and set yourself up to thrive, and life can be good again - maybe not with your current WS, but it can be good.

fragmented posted 8/15/2014 11:46 AM

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am shocked by the pain of is like no other including death and illness. I am having a hard time trusting my instincts (that he is remorseful and committed to the marriage)...since that obviously didn't work. It is good to hear from this site that reconciliation is possible. Unfortunately, only time will tell.

Hatemyhusband posted 8/15/2014 16:13 PM

Sept 1 will be 10 months past DD. The first few months I woke up screaming at nite. I cried myself to sleep. I vomited each morning. I cried thruout the day on and off

Then I become more angry. I had no idea what I would do as far as R. I also felt waves of hurt, pain in my heart like I could never explain.

Time has gone on and been helpful. I still cry now and then, but nt every day. Maybe once every few weeks. I get stronger I am learning about myself and preparing for anything that gets thrown my way again.

I do nt know if this M will last. I have no idea. Some days, I want to pack it in, although he's doing the "right things". How could we ever know what we want when we were betrayed so badly?

Hang in there. Read. Relax. Take time for yourself and do the best that you can. That's all te test of us are doing xo

tl502 posted 8/15/2014 21:42 PM

I can say that for the most part, almost 3 years past dd, we are happy together. I, like you, believed that my h was a good person and would commit to our marriage right from the start.
In most ways, he did those things and more to help me and stay connect with me. Unfortunately, he never truly went nc and we had 18 months of false r.
Yes, you can get to a happy stable, rewarding marriage after dd. But you really need to learn your spouse. Not the person you believe him to be, but the real authentic person in front of you. This can be hard to do, because you are hurt, and they are masters of deception.
The attention that he is paying you will probably moderate with time. You're in crisis mode now, but eventually the realities of life will come back into your life and demand both of your attention. It is both of your jobs now to keep your m squarely in the center of your focus.

marionwendy posted 8/15/2014 22:09 PM

I felt this exact way! I'm almost one year out ( 2 more weeks).
You are right it is worse than a death. There were days I felt like dying. I cried everyday. I only cry once every few weeks now. We can laugh now together and enjoy each others company. He was very remorseful and did everything that was asked of him. There are days I look at him and wonder why or how he could do this to us? To him? To me? Today things are calmer I'm calmer.... But I don't have that same feeling of love that I had for him. I will probably never trust him 100% and I won't allow myself to either. I love him and I know he loves me but its different now. I guess as TIME goes by it gets easier, and people told me that and it was true. I used to go on SI everyday now it's only every couple of months. I did a lot of reading and read a lot of posts, they helped a lot. Keep your head held high and tell yourself it will all work out with or without your husband. I know one thing and that is this has made me stronger!!!

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