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self loathing

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brokendreams01 posted 8/15/2014 08:06 AM

how do I stop this self loathing I hate myself so much for what I've done to my wife and family I know and I see all this pain my wife is going through I am so angry with my self for causing all of this how can I learn to forgive myself for these repeated behavior patterns will it take my wife to forgive me before I am able to forgive myself how can Ilearn to move past this point. I love my wife with all my heart and don't want to lose her or my family because of my inappropriate behavior and poor decisions. it seems like all I can do is constantly think about what I done and the problems I've caused. how can I move past this.

ThatGuyNoMore posted 8/15/2014 08:18 AM

You're going to have to beat yourself up for a while. What we waywards did was awful. There's no fast-forward button to get past it. Healing is a long process for you, your wife, and your family. You actually don't want to "move past this" because you'll just be sweeping deeper problems under the rug. Get into individual counseling so you can start to figure out why you did what you did. For many of us waywards, there was a fair amount of self-loathing already present inside us, and our affairs were a badly misguided attempt to fix that.

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 09:04 AM

exactly what TGNM said ^^^^^^^^^^

For myself it took months of positive self affirmations to move from self-loathing to wanting to live. and then still disgusted with myself. But the more I prove to myself that I am worth something. The more I voice my feelings. the more I give my "inner child" a voice. The better I feel about me. I am moving from hating myself to hating what I have done. But you will have to come to a point where you are good enough for you. And not because you "just forget" what you did. But because remember it and accept the level of cruelty that you can inflict on somebody you love. and then protect yourself and your BS from that cruelty.

canwerebuild posted 8/15/2014 09:53 AM


This is the first post I've seen that I feel that I could have written word for word. I am a new member here as well. I had my first IC session yesterday and I already know that this journey of self analysis and introspection will be a positive and life changing experience for me. I am committed to becoming an emotionally healthy person, husband, father, son, friend, etc. The ultimate goal is to become a honest, transparent, and safe partner for my wife. The work will be hard. The self loathing, shame, and guilt is palpable and will be with me for a long long long time. It will always be with me at some level and the "A" will always be with our BSs. We can't let these things define us or cause us to waver from the path of "R" if that is what you seek. As TGNM said we have to go through this pain and self loathing. What we did was horrible and inexcusable. We have to own our actions, learn why we did what we did so that we ensure it never happens again. Get into IC and if your spouse will go with you definitely get into MC. MC has helped us tremendously already.

sorrowfulmate posted 8/15/2014 09:55 AM

Six months out and I still have to deal with the self-loathing…

Also, if you didn't have self-loathing then something would be wrong with you.

trip3 posted 8/15/2014 12:09 PM

This reminds me of rehab. Once you're in rehab and have gotten a little sober time under your belt you start talking about what kinds of things you did when you were drinking. I remember being absolutely disgusted with a lot of my actions from when I was drinking, BUT it took that sober time to realize what I had done. Being a cheater is a helluva a lot like being an alcoholic in this regard. You'll do things while drunk / while having an affair that you would never do, or at least never thought you'd do. The self loathing will pass eventually, but hopefully you'll remember all the bad things you did so that you'll never do them again.

Neznayou posted 8/15/2014 13:27 PM

Hi guys, I hope you don't mind me jumping in here. My A ended in 2012. I still feel the self-loathing. Just today I was reading here and realized again and deeper how utterly and completely I have destroyed my Husband. I have condemned him to live with the pain of rejection and betrayal for the rest of his life. How do I not hate myself for what I've done? No matter how 'healthy' I try to become, nothing will take away the facts of the past.

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