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Newest Member: MrsB (61169)

User Topic: So unsure about what to feel
♀ 21572
Member # 21572
Default  Posted: 9:08 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The long, convoluted story is in my profile. Caught my WH again on 4/20. This time was a PA. We have been doing family counseling, IC, MC. So much damage has been done, and yet still I stay. Some days I have hope, others I feel so lost!

He is such a different person now. He is remorseful, empathetic, compassionate. He is engaged with our family. He is actively reading and searching for answers. He is digging deep to get to the root of his issues. He answers any question I have without defensiveness or anger. He leaves me notes, texts, emails, cards, flowers to show he is thinking about me. He helps around the house. He actively seeks me out to spend time together. He seeks me out to talk and share what he is thinking/feeling/learning. He is now voluntarily continuing IC (was cleared so he could stop at anytime now). He has been engaged in the MC and family counseling process. He doesn't pressure me, rush me, or attempt to control the timing of my healing/feelings. He is doing everything a WH can to make things better.

So why do I feel so lost? Why do I question if this is all a manipulation technique to get me to stay (3 different counselors have told me they feel he is genuine)? It is almost like the man I have been married to disappeared, and this new improved person is in his place. So why do I question everything?

Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: DE
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry this has dragged on so long.

Don't you think your lack of trust is entirely appropriate at this point?

He's cheated for years and been OK for 3 months. How can 3 months be long enough to show he's changed forever?

Besides, even if he desires to change an be a good partner, who's to say he'll actually do the work he needs to do to make that change?

I think your mistrust is very, very healthy after what you've been through.

I think good IC will help you get comfortable with yourself and your sitch and confirm - or learn to set - the boundaries you need. If you're not in IC, I think a good IC will help. If you're in IC, what does s/he say about your confusion/hesitation?


fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 16591 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 41633
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When u dated someone, didn't u give it time? Didn't u wait to see how he behaved in certain situations, which either made u like the person more or dislike them?

That's how I see my M. 9 months out after 2plus years of lies is nothing. I'm going to give it time. My counselors say he is genuine he is remorseful. I get it. But I need to see he can handle what life throws at us and I need to determine if this new man is a man I want to be in relationship with or move on

He's a Difft man for sure. See it as dating. Look at it that way. It helps me

Posts: 653 | Registered: Dec 2013
♀ 44154
Member # 44154
Default  Posted: 10:30 AM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with sisoon,

I am 6 weeks out from DDay. My WH and I had been married less than a year when he had his A. Since then, it's like he got slapped with reality. I do believe that some WS are in a fog for a long time, and others come out of the fog quickly. My WH says he thinks the fog was lifting before I caught him (the A had ended a few months before I found out) and that it was weighing on him and he would have confessed soon. Since, he has been loving and remorseful. He is doing a ton of work on himself in IC to uncover his "why" and heal old wounds from childhood that helped to pave this path of destruction. I want to believe so badly that this will be our life forever, but I am hesitant. I can only say that time will tell. If he continues doing the hard work on himself and the M, then slowly you will begin to trust that he is being truthful. He has already broken your trust, I think it's totally normal to feel the way you do. Make sure you communicate that to him though too. Sorry you're here.

Me: BW, 29
Him: fWH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14

"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela

Posts: 413 | Registered: Jul 2014
♀ 21572
Member # 21572
Default  Posted: 5:35 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you so much for the replies and reassurance that what I am feeling is normal. This time I am not settling for rug sweeping. My IC feels that he is being genuine in his actions and responses. Our MC, his IC, our family counselor, all feel he is getting to the root of his issues and that he is making great strides. All keep telling me to give it time.

It is so hard because the man that he was (which was not a very good husband or father) is not the man who is in front of me now. And while I would have been so thrilled to have had this man in my life for all these years, I am constantly on guard and questioning if this is real. I keep waiting for him to return to his old self, but there has not been any of that behavior since his "poor me" attitude in the psych hospital. I think landing in there and having that experience was really the turning point for him.

I struggle because after the last time I swore I would not stay if he did it again. Now he not only did, he had a PA this time. It is so hard somedays to not just run away

Posts: 10 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: DE
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 5:51 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You know you can still run away if that's what you want. I know from the start you wanted a remorseful ws who worked hard to improve himself, make you feel safe, and help heal the marriage. You gave him lots of chances that he just totally shit on.

Now that he really seems to be doing the work, it's normal to wonder if it's more of his game. But it's also ok if all of this is a dealbreaker for you. It's ok to say that this time was the last straw and that even his hard work now is too little too late.

Only you can decide what you want. But just because he's doing the work this time, it does not obligate you to stay. I just wanted to point that out.

I hope you can feel more secure in the near future. No matter if it's because he remains consistent in his effort, or if you decide you are done.

DD-March 2010

Posts: 5434 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
Topic Posts: 6

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