I know I do. I really said mean, nasty things to hurt FWH and continued to throw the A in his face for a long time.
I really regret those things, now. It's weird, but I do feel blessed that he stuck with me. I put this man through hell and our R wasn't really about healing the M, more like a bootcamp to break him.
Think about that. I tried to break this man.
That's pretty mean.
[This message edited by BlueBlueEyes at 12:12 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
OW - multiple, just found out about ALL of them, Husband coming out of years of fog due to multiple childhood and military events.
Hopeful but cautious
Be better now and stop beating either if you up!! :)
Thank you for that
D Day 11 November 2012
You can't scale a mountain in a single step
It is stage in the healing journey of a BS. It takes a really remorseful and committed WS to put up with it and to accept that this is a consequence of the damage/pain they have caused us.
I didn't try to break my FWH. I just needed to let my feelings/thoughts be known to him.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak." ~ Homer Simpson
I don't feel badly about what I said in the first few months. I have never spoken to anyone like that in my life. Then again, I had never been betrayed like that before in my life.
Realised he must really love me if he took all that and stayed!
I think part of my really intense outbursts toward my H involved some of this too, at least at first. I needed proof that he loved me. I couldn't believe his words so I watched his actions. Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him. Not sure that's the healthiest logic, but what can I say?
I'm shocked that I didn't lose my job. I cringe when I think of some of the things I said and did without remorse. However, I've forgiven myself, and I've accepted what has happened and moved on. I hope you can get to that point.
Does anyone in well into R, ever feel really, really badly for their behaviors during the first year or so after the A came out.
We had an argument and I was mad and hurt. On my way out the door to work I wished him a happy anniversary. It wasn't our wedding anniversary, it was the first anniversary of Dday. As I so eloquently reminded him "The day you fing blew up my world"
I needed proof that he loved me. I couldn't believe his words so I watched his actions. Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him.
I'm right beside you here. I realized that I was testing him to see if he would work through this with me like he promised.
It's not healthy or productive, but I'm learning...
[This message edited by neverdidithink at 1:28 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
However, what I am feeling guilty about is my messing him about, keep changing my mind. Two days ago I said I would leave if he lied, he continued to lie and I said I'd stay. Now he says he is not convinced I am staying and I said I would. Today I am thinking it just won't work and I will have to leave.
But I think it is true - if WS can take it, then he must love you, Nokidding, otherwise it would surely be easier to just leave.
Doesnt matter now though.
As Blueblueeyes says, now that I'm better, I'll do better.
Took me a longgggggggg time to get there though.
Its ok nokidding, we can only move forward as better people.
And the lessons we have all learned are all only bound to make us so.
I finally found my voice with him - you'd think after 37 years of marriage I could express my feelings to him but I realized I really never did - not the angry ones anyway. I spent years holding back and its not that he was so awful all those years - it was just that *I* was always keeping the peace and what it ended up doing was causing me to resent him.
So - when everything came out - we were essentially fighting about things that had been brewing for years!
I finally owned how I felt and it was like a burden was lifted off me - no more nice girl - it was OK to be angry, hurt, etc.
So - it was all jumbled up - long ago hurts were resurfacing along with the new ones he brought to our marriage by having an affair.
Oh, the things I did and said! It was like watching myself from afar - who was this person screaming obscenities and breaking things and saying just the most awful horrible things.
Out of that - I learned to really speak up for myself in a mature manner - no more screaming, etc., instead speaking my honestly, clearly and articulately. But it was a process and it was several months before I got there - and even today I have to remember how I feel is important, important enough to talk about.
And really, after what he put me through, TTing, lying, breaking NC - he deserved it! So, no I have ZERO regrets.
I have a theory that we BSs often act out in truly awful, aggressive and cruel ways as a test. It's not intentional, but I think it happens. I think we are so shaken, so untrusting, that we do everything we can do to make them prove that they're in it for real. Asking them if they are in it for real does nothing for us or our sense of security. After all, if they could lie to us about having an AP, they could most definitely lie about wanting to be in the marriage and being willing to do whatever it takes. So we push and push and push. It gets out some of our hurt, no doubt, but it also turns us into someone's worst nightmare. Happy one minute, sad the next, raging and insane the next. And yet the WS stays - or doesn't.
Just a theory. Don't beat yourself up. What happened happened, and it wouldn't have happened if you weren't attacked from within your own marriage.
BSs break, and have no idea how to put themselves back together. The person that broke them is standing right in front of them. Honestly, on some level, aggression should be expected.
EDIT: Please note, aggression does not equal violence. Thanks
[This message edited by painfulpast at 2:20 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
I can be very mouthy and sarcastic, and mean things will come out sometimes before I censor them correctly.
Its better now than a couple months ago, but the really bad comments appear in my head still. I hope that continues to improve.
BH (Me) 49
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
Yeah, not one of my better points.
I'm shocked that I didn't lose my job
Let's just say, I could have done a much better job than cruising SI for 8 hours a day. Fucking shamlessly.
I cringe when I think of some of the things I said and did without remorse.
Like total cringe worthy, pit in your stomach, shameful stuff. So yea, I get that too.
Him "taking it" showed me that I was important to him. Not sure that's the healthiest logic, but what can I say?
So sickeningly true.
However, I've forgiven myself, and I've accepted what has happened and moved on. I hope you can get to that point.
So that is what this whole process had been for me recently. I disappear from SI for, like 3 years, and reappear with all this.
Forgiveness. I thought it was for him, and it is. But now, it's really about me. That's kinda sad.
As always, SI saves the day for me. Thanks to all!!!!
attacked from within your own marriage.
That is an excellent quote. It's funny, I started by writing out some of my behavior for everyone to get a sense of how vicious I was. But I just couldn't relay the right message, so I just kept deleting.
Since this was an LTA with my former bff, there was some serious pent up aggression on my part.
But what I wrote first was that I felt like a caged, abused, animal. And when I got let out of the cage, I was rabid.
Let's just say, the 180 was not difficult for me and I had already started it before I even found SI.
I don't regret it at all (for all the reasons the other non-regretters have listed), but I did find it reassuring to read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair--she said that is very normal, very natural--and the WS's fault.
Naively optimistic username (chosen in frustration when everything else I could think of was taken or too close to my real name)--but 2 years on, R is truly going well
Married 6 years. Dating 10. Living together 8.
If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world
- Harry Chapin
Men use anger as part of a fight or flight response. They are willing to fight, even if it's just verbally. When that happens, winning is usually a goal.
Women use anger to get attention. Like hello I'm hurting over here.I keep telling you this but you aren't understanding so now I will get angry. It's like making your verbal words be bold type.
When my wh wasn't hearing me I tried all sorts of things to jolt him into reality. I tried being sad, being angry, begging, bargaining, demanding, threatening, asking, pleading, stating, you name it. Nothing worked.
The things I said and did are mine to own. They were however a reflection of how I was being treated. When he wasn't playing games with me, I wasn't playing games with him. I didn't start fights just to fight and I didn't twist things to get my way.
I don't know if any of that might have been true for anyone else but I just wanted to share.