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Imabrokenman posted 8/15/2014 14:18 PM

My BS thinks it is ironic that I posted recently about lying, since I lied to her for several weeks before the complete truth came out.

My comment in the post was basically telling them NOT to do as I did, that it made my hope of reconciliation disappear, and the road much harder for both me and my spouse. She doesn't see it that way - she believes I shouldn't be giving advice at all.

I look at posting as very therapeutic - relating my mistakes to others helps me try to understand why I did what I did. I'm hoping that she is just in the haze of anger and will realize that I am trying to understand my actions, and be as helpful to others as possible.

Has this happened to anyone else? What is the best way to respond?

sorrowfulmate posted 8/15/2014 14:32 PM

I hope that we can act as guides and scouts for new waywards.

I screwed up completely by trying to hide the truth.

My hope that one day a wayward will hit this space and read what we say and actually take the freaking advice instead of doing exactly as we have done.

It will make their path easier. However I don't think that mythical newcomer wayward exists.

I think of it as all of us waywards are in a pit screaming at the new person not to jump in, but the invariably do and the next time it happens he/she joins in the screaming for the next one not to jump.

PenitentMan posted 8/15/2014 14:43 PM

I agree. It's therapeutic to post. I've posted when things are good and when things are not so good. BW says this is my "safe place" and she is glad I'm even here and sharing.

DrJekyll posted 8/15/2014 14:52 PM

I look at it much the same. Therapeutic. It helps me to work through my own thoughts and feelings.

Your BS is telling you that you shouldn't post on lying because you are a liar? I guess that would mean that none of us should encourage others to be faithful, because we were unfaithful. That doesn't make sense. So what is she really trying to say?

I would bet what she is really thinking is. "Imabrokenman, I am so angry about all of your hypocrisy over the years. All of the times we discussed faithfulness you were stepping out. When you complained about money, you were spending on your AP. When you complained about not having time for things, you had plenty of time for your AP."

I would imagine it is something like that.

So keep your chin up. And apologize to her. Validate her feelings. Allow her to express her anger toward you. Take it in. Get to what is behind it.

StartingFreshNow posted 8/15/2014 14:57 PM

My guess is she's hurt that you are so "smart" now but when it came to your relationship with her, you couldn't make a good decision if your life depended on it. You chose lying to her but now you're standing up for others when you tell other WS's not to lie. You're helping their families but you didn't help your own. That's hurtful to her. She wants you to stand up for her for once.

That's my guess anyway.

On the flip side I agree with the others when we all say it's therapeutic and as we learn, we are trying to help others learn in something other than the hard way.

ETA: My BH doesn't like me on this site either though.

[This message edited by StartingFreshNow at 2:57 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

SlowUptake posted 8/15/2014 19:00 PM

Has this happened to anyone else? What is the best way to respond?
Try this. " There are things I do to heal the marriage, there are things I do to help you heal and there are things I do to help heal myself, I understand from your perspective it seems hypocritical, but I read and post on SI to help make myself a better/safer person."

courageous posted 8/15/2014 19:18 PM

I hope you don't mind my perspective. I would imagine that it hurts your BS when you tell people not to lie because she wished you hadn't lied. In the early days after d-day so many helpful things a ws does hurts because we wish they had done it back then... Wishing for the past to change and knowing no matter what it won't change.

I believe that a person who has been there and done that are the best to give advice. You don't listen to advice about the perils of drinking from someone who has never had a sip of alcohol... You would listen to the recovering alcoholic trying to prevent you from going down the same hard road they did.

Just a suggestion: hug her (if she lets you) and tell her again how you are sorry for lying to her.

RMarred posted 8/15/2014 19:21 PM

I think of it as all of us waywards are in a pit screaming at the new person not to jump in, but the invariably do and the next time it happens he/she joins in the screaming for the next one not to jump.

That reminds me of "Other People" by Neil Gaiman. A short story, easily searchable for free online and a quick read, and well worth taking the message from.

"Time is fluid here."

[This message edited by RMarred at 7:22 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

Imabrokenman posted 8/15/2014 21:04 PM

Thanks, all, for the advise and words of wisdom. All of you have hit the nail on the head with our relationship. She is very hurt right now.

And Courageous, I wish I could hug her. She doesn't want me to touch her at all right now. For someone that craves affection, I am going through cold turkey right now.

Thanks again everyone. I'm taking it all to heart.

Neznayou posted 8/16/2014 04:51 AM

That is a big part of the reason that I didn't really become an 'active' member until recently. I felt hesitant about my BH's reactions to my posts, I felt hypocritical, and I felt that I didn't have any authority to speak. Now, I post and question freely. And, through repetition, some lessons and perspectives are finally sinking in.

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