SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

[Register]

Newest Member: Reece502 (55364)

User

Topic: advice please

lucy17
♀ 40187
Member # 40187

Posted: 2:44 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

It's 1- year 3- days since D-day 2, which has hit me harder than antiversary of D-day 1 of course. Still seeing MC once a month, still working on communication, still working toward R. So this has what has come up--my WH's OW was a woman hockey player that he coached. Well I used to play hockey until I had my daughter and had planned on going back to playing when she was old enough (in about 2 years from now). In the whole fall-out after D-day one WH and OW made a "custody agreement" wherein she got all the women's team hockey events (my WH gave up coaching) and he got all of the co-ed hockey events and there was to be no crossover. Only the program director knew about the affair and the agreement. Well, that was not enough for the OW and she asked the program director if she could be a part of some co-ed stuff and the director said no. So then OW showed up to a co-ed event and it was horrible for me. I was there and asked her to leave and she wouldn't and she told people about the affair and it was awkward and traumatic and embarrassing and terrible in ways that I can't put into words. I played co-ed hockey twice that year and it was okay, but I was always afraid she would show up. After last year, the director has said she will no longer be the go-between and will not have the responsibility of telling someone they can or can't play, which she shouldn't have to. This year my WH would like me to commit to playing for the whole year, every week. And there's a part of me that wants to 'fight back' that wants the OW to know that just because she divorced her husband and gave up custody of her own little girl so she has no responsibilities that that doesn't mean she won't have any consequences. I feel like that is a small bitter part of me. The other part of me wants to protect myself from any contact with her. And if that means she wins hockey and I never get to play again, I should just chalk it up to yet another unfair consequence of choices that weren't mine.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places." Hemingway
Me- BS 36
Him- WS 41
1 child- 10 years old
together 18 years, legally married 15
Dday1- 7/7/13
Dday2- 8/12/13
The rollercoaster of R

It's 1- year 3- days since D-day 2, which has hit me harder than antiversary of D-day 1 of course.  Still seeing MC once a month, still working on communication, still working toward R.  So this has what has come up--my WH's OW was a woman hockey player that he coached.  Well I used to play hockey until I had my daughter and had planned on going back to playing when she was old enough (in about 2 years from now).  In the whole fall-out after D-day one WH and OW made a "custody agreement" wherein she got all the women's team hockey events (my WH gave up coaching) and he got all of the co-ed hockey events and there was to be no crossover.  Only the program director knew about the affair and the agreement.  Well, that was not enough for the OW and she asked the program director if she could be a part of some co-ed stuff and the director said no.  So then OW showed up to a co-ed event and it was horrible for me.  I was there and asked her to leave and she wouldn't and she told people about the affair and it was awkward and traumatic and embarrassing and terrible in ways that I can't put into words.  I played co-ed hockey twice that year and it was okay, but I was always afraid she would show up.  After last year, the director has said she will no longer be the go-between and will not have the responsibility of telling someone they can or can't play, which she shouldn't have to.  This year my WH would like me to commit to playing for the whole year, every week.  And there's a part of me that wants to 'fight back' that wants the OW to know that just because she divorced her husband and gave up custody of her own little girl so she has no responsibilities that that doesn't mean she won't have any consequences.  I feel like that is a small bitter part of me.  The other part of me wants to protect myself from any contact with her.  And if that means she wins hockey and I never get to play again, I should just chalk it up to yet another unfair consequence of choices that weren't mine.

Posts: 151 | Registered: Aug 2013

sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240

Posted: 4:56 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

Remember, she may not realize it, but by outing the A she put herself in a worse position than she put you in. At first people may look at you funny because your H cheated on you, but pretty quickly people will realize - perhaps without knowing it - that ow is a predator, a person who needs to be defended against.

Are you in IC? A good IC could help you over the hump.

Hold your head high. Your H cheated because of his problems. Ow cheated because of hers. You're clean in this.

I hope you can find a way to play hockey. It's possible that if you show up with your head held high, ow will find her shame and withdraw. Even better, if you show up with your head held high, ow may even become irrelevant to you.

Besides, aren't skating, checking, and whacking a puck with a stick good ways to get some aggression out?

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:57 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

fBH (me) - 70, fWW, Married 45+, together 45+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and pretty much R'ed
I'm not an exemplar. I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 13965 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois

BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581

Posted: 6:32 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

I'm a little confused. The director said she's not allowed to play coed and your husband isn't allowed to coach the women's league, is that right?

Then you should be good to go for the coed team. But you should expect her to, at least once, show up to try and start trouble. Don't let her breaking the agreement and showing up keep you from playing. She does not get to have that kind of control over you.

Now, depending on what kind of push back you wan to do. She broke the agreement by showing up. And the agreement was between her and your husband, not you. If you wanted to, you could sign up for the women's league.

Show up unexpectedly in her safe zone and play. She can't do anything about it. What do you think the other women in the league would say when they find out she whores around with married men? I bet a bunch of them are married and would immediately think of any times she spoke with their husbands.

Don't not play because if her. And play whatever damn league you want to.

She's the one that should be embarrassed and she's the one married women would loathe if they all knew the truth. Don't be afraid to broadcast her sluttiness. She thinks she can control you by telling people. Turn that back around on her. She's mistaken about the impression she makes by telling.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 6:33 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
He choked me. What else is there to say.
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he can't meet them.
People change when staying the same becomes more painful than changing.

Posts: 5431 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

Hatemyhusband
41633
Member # 41633

Posted: 7:31 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

Avoiding the OW and skipping events you WAnT to do gives her power.
Screw her. Let her join the team and watch you and your living H in action. Tell everyone on the team about the A. Tell all the wives. Screw her!!

Posts: 638 | Registered: Dec 2013

SI Staff
10
Member # 10

Posted: 9:51 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

BtrayedWife,

Please follow the Reconciliation Forum guidelines. There is no OW venting or namecalling in this forum.

Thank you.

Posts: 10000 | Registered: May 2002

Schadenfreude
♂ 43075
Member # 43075

Posted: 10:05 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

Lucy, I have been around hockey virtually my whole life as I live in a border state and hockey is what we did as kids. Winter on skates, summer with a tennis ball for the puck.

I don't know the refs in your league,,of course,,but if OW happened to be on the other team and the ref was Mr. Magoo,, and you had a clear angle,to the boards and her head was down and maybe you forgot to keep your stick down.....

Nah. This isn't Slapshot, is it? Is your last name Hansen by any chance?

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 10:06 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest

cosmicjoke
♀ 39159
Member # 39159

Posted: 10:06 PM, August 15th (Friday), 2014

[This message edited by cosmicjoke at 10:07 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

Posts: 504 | Registered: May 2013

BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581

Posted: 2:24 AM, August 16th (Saturday), 2014

Sorry! Lost track of where I was.

Posts: 5431 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States

Topic Posts: 8

Return to Forum

This Topic is Archived