I can't make her snap out of the fake state of just being content. I know all about the timeline and giving her time and space and all that but damn it I wish she would fight. Fight for our marriage. I may eat my words but I think if she told me it was over it would be better than this hell called limbo. It's not even really limbo. She's made her decision. To just be. I can't live like that forever. Why would you just want to live in the same house with someone but not give a shit about a future with them? I just don't understand it.
If you can't tell I am very frustrated. It is very hard to do this day in and day out with zero change. I know I probably sound like an insensitive jerk but I just needed to get it out. I love her with all my heart. That just makes it harder. I want her to tear the wall down and let me in. I don't know what else to do. I know I did this to her but I'm devastated that she has just given up. No fight, no resolve, just indifference.
Have you considered that maybe she's waiting for the next shoe to drop?
Have you also considered that by choosing to put up walls and showing you indifference, maybe she's protecting herself so you can't hurt her anymore?
She may be expecting you to hurt her again with new information that you withheld. She has no way of knowing that you've told her everything, and you don't have any way of proving that you've told her everything. That makes her scared. When you're scared, you get defensive. Her emotional shell is her defense mechanism.
I have almost given up on my WH. TT for 6 months, lies for over a year. I need to protect myself and not give a damn about him anymore. why should I? he didn't give a damn about me for over 2 years. Now he wants to "fight" for us? where was this before? What changed? And can I see it? Actions not words - you lied for how long? And NOW I get to believe you? Why, what changed? And how do I REALLY know that now you are telling the truth?
Good luck - I get where she is - I am right there with her. Just waiting for the next shoe to drop. Right on my head/heart.
[This message edited by 3kids30years at 4:05 PM, August 15th (Friday)]
Trust is earned, respect is given, and loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to lose all three.
She's made her decision. To just be.
Has she lost interest in everything else, if so, it could be depression.
If you are continuing to lie you continue to reset your spouse's recovery clock.
It's really all up to you; you have to persevere, you have to keep going, and know that (in addition to everything everyone else's said here) nothing will last forever. It may never be as good as it was in all regards, but in many other regards it will be, and in other regards it will be even better... but not if you stop now. Not if you give up now. Not if you give her another reason to distrust you now. Persevere and persevere and persevere... regardless of the outcome, you'll be a better person, and that's actually the most important thing here. Not whether or not you stay together, because, sadly, that's already been compromised (not to point fingers at you, because I'm right there with you)... but because no matter what the outcome of this is, you need to be a better person for you.
I wish you all the luck in the world.
I was up above it. Now I'm down in it.
There is a phenomenon here on SI called the "plane of lethal flatness." Sounds like she is there. I am personally very familiar with it. It is a combination of self preservation and exhaustion.
Have you read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair?" It is a short, to the point, book, with excellent, specific advice.
I want her to tear the wall down and let me in. I don't know what else to do. I know I did this to her but I'm devastated that she has just given up. No fight, no resolve, just indifference.
This is the problem with TT as well as false R. I see my DDay as the day I was hit by a huge semi driven by my WH. All the TT felt like my WH was choosing to back up and run me over, and over, and over again. Now WH was ready to move on and put all the hurt and pain behind us but I was still scraping myself off the road and trying to stop the bleeding with tiny band aides. And just when I would start to think about healing, the bottom would fall out again and there I'd be scraping my mangled body off the road again while WH was so relieved to be free of one more lie.
I got to the point where my fear of being hurt again was so powerful that the thought of lowering my wall an inch would send me into a panic. The only way my FWH managed to break the wall down was by consistent, honest, patient, and understanding actions. I know for a fact it was frustrating and extremely hard for him but there are many valid reasons why experts say the healing time frame is 2-5 years.
I want her to tear the wall down and let me in.
That wall isn't going to come down until she feels safe with you. And it is possible. After almost 5 years, I can say that I'm starting to feel safe with FWH. R sucks all around for both parties. But its worth it.
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength!
You looked her in the eye and promised that was all for 8 months. And you were lying that whole time. Doesn't she get to put her vulnerability on hold for the next 8 months to see if you are being real this time?
You are so hurt by her withdrawal for this long. Don't you feel some empathy for what she must've gone through after finding out you were still hiding things from her 8 months later? It's only been 5 months for you.
This is a chance to turn your hurt around and understand how she has been feeling. It sucks when people don't fully open up to you doesn't it? Let her know how much you hurt, but also communicate and focus on how you think it must've hurt for her when you did it.
You can be angry and let it push you apart or you can use it to reach out to her and show some empathy for the pain you caused her.
How is it that you get to say alright already I've had enough, but when she said the same thing it didn't matter?
Your frustration with her reaction to you shows a lack of empathy. Work to get in touch with your empathy. If you can't express that to her, she's going to have a more difficult time trusting you.
Not being able to show empathy and compassion for the position he put me in caused a huge roadblock in our healing. When he was upset with my reaction I felt it was still all about him and how he felt. It did not make me feel safe with him.
You can do something to change it. You need to show consistent actions with her. It needs to last forever. If it stops, if you give up, it will prove to her it wasn't real It's upsetting to see you so frustrated so soon. I would guess she might be sensing your frustration and doubting your commitment.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 4:31 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
Please read this paragraph you wrote over a million times and answer your own questions!!!
These thoughts word for word apply to when you had your own affair. You lived in a fake state, you lived in limbo, you lived in the same with house with someone and didn't give a shit about your future with them.
She doesn't understand it either.
[This message edited by apathetic1 at 8:56 AM, August 16th (Saturday)]
How does that quote go "fail me once...shame on" ... oh who cares. Once is too many we had vows!!
You have a PM.
My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.
I was hit with woe about me and what he had to put up with after continued lying and seeing his AP. He expected life would continue on as usual and there would be no emotional consequence. With every act of self-preservation by my xh came one by me. Eventually I knew that his A was the same type of self-preservation act and that I didn't come into his future plan unless I snapped out of it and went back too being a wife who let him take care of him first.
Instead of journaling and coming here, talk to her and communicate about how you feel backed up with how you feel about being responsible for her being devastated. Take responsibility because she may not be able to do anything but be on cruise-control, just to be able to survive right now. In nature the male is the protected of the female, time to be the man she needs and make her feel safe and secure so she can see a glimmer of hope for the marriage. What you do now starts to build the marriage and if a foundation is built wrong, then what is built will fail.
I still think you can use it to open some dialogue with her about how you made her feel. Keep it up!