SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

RMarred posted 8/15/2014 21:28 PM

I made a post earlier today, but felt like making another one. After all, you guys and girls are kind of my new best friends... which brings me to the topic for tonight.

B.S. has been mentioning a couple of my male friends from afar, whom I don't talk to all too often, but she thinks they're very good to keep in contact with, just for their positivity and good nature, and how when we interact, we discuss topics I can't easily discuss elsewhere, from nerdery to theory and philosophy, from religion to fashion. I don't have any male friends who live near me (and the female friends are known at all merely because they're all better/closer friends of my B.S.). The closest guy pals I have live in other counties or parts of town, or just entirely out of state, too far to visit, too far to easily come see me, and I don't have a car... nor do I really want to drive anywhere without my B.S.

I was reading tonight here in SI about the "feeling" missed by WS's when coming off the addiction of their AP. It was said that they don't miss the AP, but the way they felt. I don't miss that, but I think moreover, I just miss having friends. Not to be the leader of the friends, not to be the one that was looked up to the most or the one who was the best or the coolest or the most whatever.

I just miss having people come to see me. There's a big part of me that understands why. Not just because of this, but because since I moved here, I did leave my old crowd behind in my former dwelling city. I want hermitude/hermitage, but I'm trying to think realistically and truthfully too, and acknowledge what my B.S. says when she tells me I need friends.

My projected life right now is simple; get up, talk with B.S./read SI until it's time for her to go to work, go in to work with her and sit in her truck, and go out and sit on the sidewalk and talk with her whenever she comes outside during lulls in business. When I am in the truck, I do my own job (draw on tablet), but more importantly, read/write on SI and sometimes talk to the aforementioned few male friends I have, if I even feel like it, and show my B.S. the convos. Then we go home and talk and shower and sleep.

I'm okay with this, I really am, as long as need be, if it is what is needed to get the job of healing and trust building done. I DO feel hesitant and selfish even remotely wanting to sit and talk with anyone else, even another guy. I don't get out much at all, save to accompany my girl to work. I have no vehicle; I have a bicycle which currently has a flat rear tire. She's all I want to talk to. And painful as it is, I'll talk 'til I'm out of breath about nothing but this awful situation I created, if it helps. But facing facts, I guess, "ya got ta have friends", or so the adage goes.

[This message edited by RMarred at 9:33 PM, August 15th (Friday)]

PenitentMan posted 8/16/2014 17:29 PM

I'm in the same boat as you RMarred. I'm fine with living this way, but I don't have any friends. The friends I had that live far away kept in touch for a while but over time the conversing became more and more superficial. And then once facebook came along they just post random crap ("and what's the deal with airline food?"). I would thumbs up them for a while, and leave comments... And then came the day when BW went through my friends list and removed a shit load of people. I've been gone from FB for months now, for all intents and purposes, though I still have my account. No messages from anyone. If not for wanting to view my neighborhood's FB page and notifications from the school district and various news, I would delete the account altogether. Lots and lots of acquaintances, but no real friends. Then The Other Couple came along, and we had friends, and their kids had my son and he had them and we'd cook together and go places and play board games and even the occasional golf him and I. But, of course, his wife and I eventually destroyed all of that.
Now my son cries at night for their kids.

And here we are, sad because we have no close male friends to go bowling with, or go have a beer and throw darts. I work from home (website programming stuff) and can work anywhere. BW asked me if I'd considered moving to another state if there was an awesome opportunity for her to have her own restaurant or w/e. She was speaking hypothetically but I thought about it and was like, well, aside from your mom, there's nothing really keeping us here now. The neighbors are nice enough but I don't feel like they're really friends. They certainly don't invite us to do things with them, though it's nice sitting out front while the kids play. That would be more kids for my son to end up missing. I doubt moving would happen anyway. Just thinking out loud.

It's like an out-of-body experience some days. I feel like I'm floating, outside myself, and watching my daily routine. I love working from home. I commuted 2.5 hours once (NYC to Philadelphia via Amtrak), so I know what a long commute is like. I don't miss traffic or the rat race whatsoever. But I do miss having people to talk to. At least BW gets to go have a beer after work with her coworkers.

So anyway, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly.
Considering the size of our planet, the chance that you live down the road from me in real life is probably pretty slim, otherwise I'd invite you over for a beer and we can feel sorry for ourselves and talk about all the people we ended up hurting without realizing it or meaning to.

On the other hand, being desperate for friends probably isn't the way to make friends either. People want to hang out with someone who has their shit together and doesn't have a lot of drama. Someone that would be a good friend and wouldn't go fuck their wife, in their bed, without them knowing about it. I'm not saying that would happen again, because it never ever will happen again. But, it *did* happen, and now I have to live with that. And, as long as BW wants to spend time with me and our son and do things together, that's the best I think I can hope for. That ship - the friend ship (pun intended) - has sailed I think.

My son is having trouble making new friends too. He has a friend from school that he's been calling on the phone, but the friend doesn't seem to be allowed to call him back. They live close by too. But oh well, I was the one that stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out and called this family on my son's behalf and asked if the kids could get together. The guy said he'd have to talk to his wife and they'd get back to me, but they never did. Story of my life. He's going to a different school this year because they built a new school and moved kids around. I hope he's able to make a new friend. He complains often about not really having friends. I think it's a combination of that and missing AP's kids.
And as hellion as they could be, I miss them too.
We were like family for a while. But, of course, I have my rose colored glasses on right now. AP was manipulative and a liar. She whispered sweet nothings in my wife's ear and my wife always questioned it. Turns out she was whispering them in a lot of ears. Her husband, my friend, wanted *me* and I'm not remotely gay or "curious" (not that there's anything wrong with that). He was also an alcoholic and would complain that I wasn't "keeping up" with him and drinking fast enough. He has a huge fridge stocked full of beer. Enough beer for 100 people in that fridge. I'd be half done with one and he'd be opening the next. When we'd all get drunk, the kids were left mostly alone for hours and hours (we'd check on them periodically, drunkenly), but still.. parenting fail, big time. A 9 year old, an 8 year old, a 6 year old, and a 3 year old. I'm always worried, the more of my story I tell, who's going to piece it all together and identify me. But, I'm pretty sure they're not the forum types and none of you know me anyway.

Well, RMarred, I wasn't going to vent a novel here today. Look what you made me do. I hope it all works out for us. Here's a virtual light punch on the shoulder for you, bro style. *punch*

RMarred posted 8/16/2014 20:01 PM

S.H., THANK YOU for your response. Thank you so much for that. I smiled reading it. So much of what you said, I might as well have.

Lots and lots of acquaintances, but no real friends.

On Facebook, I closed my old account YEARS ago, and made a new one that is nothing but members of my charity group, and nothing more, so it's a FAR smaller friendlist.

It's like an out-of-body experience some days. I feel like I'm floating, outside myself, and watching my daily routine.

PRECISELY. And I feel bad for even thinking I want more than this.

otherwise I'd invite you over for a beer and we can feel sorry for ourselves and talk about all the people we ended up hurting without realizing it or meaning to.

I would do the same, my friend.

Work-from-home-crying-in-our-beers-getting-our-shit-together brofist.

[This message edited by RMarred at 8:04 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]

ThoughtIKnewYa posted 8/16/2014 20:43 PM

Well, I'm a FBS and I have a lot of the same stuff going on. We moved right after d-day, but recently moved back to our home area and no one ever asks us to do anything. Not that I would because I'm pretty much a hermit (WAH, too!) but it would be nice if someone would ask!! I think a lot of people are afraid of their Ms "catching" infidelity or something. I think this is why SI becomes so vital to so many of us because we can come here and be part of a brotherhood/sisterhood that understands our journey.

RMarred posted 8/16/2014 21:09 PM

Thank you for your reply, TIKY. I appreciate it.

I wasn't always a hermit-type; I have become one over the years, due to feeling increasingly burned-out from the realization that a lot of the attention I used to get from my arts and crafts and wares was overblown. I had a lot of people from art conventions who wanted to tell their friends that they knew me, but not a lot who wanted to know me, I guess. Years and years of that have perhaps worn on me, to the point where I just want a few good, trustworthy, positive friends, and don't care at all about being elevated or revered for my art.

In my case, I don't think it's a matter of "not being asked" to social gatherings due to recent events, it's much more of a matter of "I haven't known many/any people since moving here 2 years ago". I almost feel crippled when it comes to making friends now. That's unheard of. I've always been able to in the past, since middle school (that's when I overcame shyness and said "to hell with it, I'm gonna talk to people") to some degree, but now it's hard to imagine. Where would I go? How would I do it? What, just walk into a crowd and introduce myself to some stranger? I'm friendly, but not THAT friendly. Now I feel like anywhere I'd go, I'd just be alone. I can't imagine getting to know anyone just by naturally going to a store (which is about the only place I'd go alone). And I'm talking about meeting male friends-- I can comment on something-- the price of an item, someone else in the checkout line and how long they're taking, nice t-shirt, stuff like that-- and be neighborly, but then we part ways, and that's it.

This place is my best hope to make friends. How wild is that?