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I have been working for at least a month straight. I'm exhausted and decided last Thursday that I was going to force myself to take a full day off Sunday. I know I need it.

I've been sitting here for a few hours now and I feel lost. I don't want to go out or anything like that. I really need to just chill and relax but I feel weird doing nothing. I was thinking of sleeping in and watching a few movies Sunday.

As I sit here I can feel the depression seeping in. I know it's been there all along but I used work as an escape. Now that I'm not working it's just me and my self hatred. I'm really not looking forward to tomorrow.

I am not suicidal right now. I've obviously thought about it and attempted it a few times (although mostly only halfheartedly). I feel I need to say that before this next paragraph.

Why is it so wrong for someone who isn't happy with life to just quit? Why make someone feel like they "have" to go on living? What if I don't want to? I've been living through so much pain for nearly 6 years. It isn't going away. I know it's not.

Yes I've gone to IC for over a year. I stopped a few months ago because I got stuck and couldn't make anymore progress. I'm not taking and will not take AD's.

Because life is a precious gift. That is reason enough.

(((myname)))

Please call the hotline and talk to someone IRL.

Here is something to tune into. Breathe.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=POR-U76g7Lg

[This message edited by FaithFool at 10:25 PM, August 16th (Saturday)]

Depression can be brutal,please reach out to someone ...sometimes things seem so bleak but they can and WILL improve..

Are you ok?

You deserve to live your best life.

I would check out a new IC and be upfront on your views on ADs and ask about alternatives.

Gently if you have been struggling for 6 years I understand the hesitation to take medication but some people do benefit and it helps lift the cloud. Some people try it for a few months and it is just enough to get over the hump and are gradually back to no medication but better. Worse case scenario you end up in the same place but I would try if that is what your new IC thinks might help if the alternatives aren't working.

Life is an incredible journey and watching people I know not have a choice and possibly terminal makes just seeing every morning a gift.

Be good to yourself!

It is absolutely your right to quit. I think a part of you wants to live and fight, though, and is looking for a way to make this work. And in the present you're looking for a way to get through the pain. Having someone to talk to will help with that.

I will say that antidepressants are worth trying, and you are always allowed to taper off them. Honestly, for depression so severe that you're contemplating suicide (I know you said you're not suicidal, but talking about quitting counts), they are usually quite effective. They also can work well short term for extreme stress.

There is also more than one kind of therapy. Sometimes people benefit from one type an extraordinary amount and don't benefit from other types at all. I speak from experience. I tried everything for years and my psychiatrist suggested I try EMDR and my severe depression was way better within two months and gone within maybe four months total.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 1:25 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]

(((Myname)))

Can you find a way to isolate the voice of "self hatred"? My last IC told me to label her the "Inner Critic" and to let her speak and then tell her she was wrong and banish her to the corner. It actually helps a lot of the time. It takes practice, but you can let the other voices that remind you of your worth to have more podium time this way.

I'm not taking and will not take AD's.

No judgement whatsoever - but I'm trying to remember WHY this is your stance? I know that you were, like, 2% considering them once but I guess it's off the table. Did you have a bad experience, or are you leery of goofing with your brain chemistry? It's a very personal decision and you have every right to your feelings.

Why is it so wrong for someone who isn't happy with life to just quit?

I think that there's nothing wrong with feeling like quitting - it's the actual quitting that's the mistake. I agree with FF that life is a gift. It's not always what we ordered, but it's an experience that is unique and wondrous. I've found that forcing myself outside of my comfort zone truly makes me feel alive. Last night DD and I went to a "Dr. Who" tea party at a local restaurant. I happened upon it accidentally because I was starting to feel the depression seep in and I had her to myself for the evening. I decided that we needed to get out of the house and stumbled across this event.

Well, it was a shot in the arm. Met a bunch of people, had some goofy food, watched a goofy movie, and got to spend most of the time looking at a grinning 4 year old who was hooting and hollering during the whole thing.

There are surprises around every corner. There are little palm-sized bunnies waiting for us to pick them up and snuggle them.

I don't blame you for the depression or wanting to quit. I just wanted to remind you that you bring joy and comfort to lots of people, and there is joy and comfort waiting for you just outside your front door.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:59 AM, August 17th (Sunday)]

((((MyName))))

It's even harder to fight wanting to quit when exhausted--can you find a way to not run yourself to the bone, to take 'managed' chunks of time off so you have the strength that comes from being rested?

I'm sorry you are dreading today, lots of people are sending you peace and strength for it if that helps. I know it may not. I do think you need to look at why you have refused all the tools in the toolkit. Does your FOO disapprove of ADs or IC or do you feel you need to solve this on your own, or perhaps that you deserve to suffer?

You are well within your rights to want to die and to want to quit. I know many people who have chosen suicide, and as heartbreaking as it was for me to experience, there was always a small part of me that was grateful that they were no longer suffering.

I don't actually know if you experienced this level of misery prior to your M and your WW. If you didn't - then ADs and IC will work. Those two things work very well to right an upset/setback.

But if this is something that's dogged you your whole life, instilled in you by genetics and childhood (my lot in life) then ADs won't do shit, I've tried them all except lithium. Not a damn bit of difference. IC can help you cope by preventing isolation, but it won't prevent the darkness that hovers at the edges always b/c you'll just discount everything your IC tells you with the power of your dark thoughts.

I don't find myself where you are anymore though. And here's what I did (and this is post D, it's how I've made it past what happened, b/c that almost ended me):

1. I gave myself permission to do what I wanted. Eat what I want (which is odd, so people comment, and I tell them to fuck off). Exercise the way I want, when I want. Take the job I want, choose the location I wanted. Made the plan to leave this job in a few years (which would make my colleagues gasp). I talk smack about people if I don't like them. I'm rude to people if they are shitty to me. I live for me.

2. I attempt to avoid fatalistic thinking. This article sums it up well:

http://theweek.com/article/index/265844/how-to-be-optimistic-according-to-science

3. I channel my inner Scarlett O'Hara. At night, when I awake gasping from yet another panic attack and nightmare? I repeat to myself (and I mean 100s of times) things like "let go, let God" "it doesn't matter" "tomorrow will be better" "every day I get better" "this isn't true".

4. I recognize that the precursor for me to negativity is exhaustion. Mental or physical. If I'm stretched too thin, I can't find a nice thing to think about anything and I'm prone to be very rude to people unintentionally.

5. I post here when I'm in a dark & twisty phase. That's why all my threads are always exceptionally self-critical and ugly. I only feel mildly understood here because no matter how hard I try, I cannot articulate exactly what this is that dogs me. (I suspect you may be similar because you do the same). But hearing people's efforts to help even if misplaced, do help by virtue of the effort. I'm very grateful for it and it's a good reminder that I have a lot of good people in my life now. And every now and again, someone pipes in with a good aaah yes comment and the knot in my brain starts to unravel and I right myself again.

The point I'm trying to make is you are smart enough to figure this out for yourself. To find that set of things that you can do to merely note the abyss is out there instead of habitually sitting at the edge of it with your feet dangling over the precipice. And note that nothing I am doing for me involves other people IRL or sharing of myself with others IRL - those twin fears that stop you from pursuing what most suggest you do.

(((myname)))

I recognize that the precursor for me to negativity is exhaustion.

Yes ^^^

I hope you're OK today myname.

I'm not taking and will not take AD's.

No judgement whatsoever - but I'm trying to remember WHY this is your stance?

I tend to get every side effect whenever I take any kind of meds.

I don't want to take stuff that's going to mess with my head or emotions.

I am VERY prone to addictions in general. I don't want to mess with "feel good drugs". I think it would be very risky for me.

Just to say I liked my IC. We clicked. The issue was me not the IC. So I wouldn't want to change to a new one. I'm just not up to making appointments again.

I totally hear you on that, Myname.

Sending good thoughts. I hope today is better.

Since I also refuse to take AD, I have done a ton of research about the side effects, long term use & dependency of ADs so in a nutshell if your depression is triggered by a chemical imbalance the meds could help you. The other important thing to consider is lifestyle. How much natural sun light are you getting daily? How balance is your diet? How sedentary or active is your off vs. workday? I know you're probably not in the mood indulge me with answers but knowing some of these things could help you pin down some of the roots

How much natural sun light are you getting daily?

However many hours the sun is up. I'm a landscaper and I'm outside from sun up to past sun down.

How balance is your diet?

The last few years I've started eating ridiculously healthy and working out. I eat approximately 40% protein, 40% carbs and 20% fat through a variety of foods. I take a vitamin pack everyday as well all of which has helped my depression to some degree but has taken my energy level to, as others have described, "super human".

How sedentary or active is your off vs. workday?

Off days are few and far between. But I have two different types of work days. A "physical" work day and a "non-physical" work day. A "physical" work day is working at clients homes usually mowing. The day is around 14 hours long. I have 4-6 days of those a week. Lately it's been 6 days.

A "non=physical" day is usually paperwork inside and equipment maintenance outside. I don't spend a lot of time outside on maintenance. I have 1-3 days like that and that day is closer to 10-12 hours. I usually try and get an hour workout in on those days.

The winter is when I don't do any physical days. I workout almost everyday but my depression is very bad then. Also D-day and trigger days are in the winter so I know that doesn't help.

Just to say on the AD's, it's the fear of addiction/dependency that concerns me the most about them.

Wow! You're ahead than most so let's keep digging how do you unwind after your long workdays? Other than the seasonal change and major drama, what else seems to trigger your episodes? How often do they last?

I went through a rough time shortly after DDAY and around the time I also 'officially' started with IC. Before that, I had gotten help from two friends, one who is a clinical psychologist and the other a nurse who has taken many elective psychology courses to augment her nursing/teaching jobs.

During that time, I saw my PCP and talked with him about how I was feeling. He suggested taking ADs. I was against taking them because, like you, drugs seem to go to the extreme on me and produce every side effect. But I didn't want to keep feeling that way because it was almost the holidays when I would be with my kids and family and didn't want to cry at the drop of a hat or withdraw from being around people any longer. Being alone only made it worse.

My PCP suggested the lowest dose of Prozac and explained why he wanted me to try it. It is older and has been used successfully all that time, according to him, and the smallest dose (10mg, I believe) is minuscule with few problems reported and can be just what is needed to push those thoughts away (again, according to him).

I tried them and they helped in my case. But I was happy when I was able to wean off them. He pushed it a bit longer than I thought I needed, but I convinced him after a bit and have been fine since.

It makes me sad to read how you struggle with this because you are such a great person and obviously a good worker who contributes much. I hope you will discuss with your doctor how meds affect you and what you fear about using any ADs. Maybe your doctor can allay those fears for you as mine did for me. Either that or consider trying the EMDR, as suggested. No chemicals involved.

((((MyName)))). I'm glad you came here with this rather than suffer alone. To me, it shows you really want to stop these feelings. Hugs again.

I don't really do much to unwind. After my work day or on my days off I have normal household chores to do.

what else seems to trigger your episodes? How often do they last?

The depression is always there. I am able to push it down when I work and feel some level of normalcy. That's probably why I work so much. So when I stop working and rest just for a moment it's right there. At night before sleep it's there. It lasts until I go back to work and shove it back down. Why would I want to sit and relax if I'm going to feel bad when I do.

Lots of different things will trigger it. I think one of my major issues is perfectionism. If I mess up on something I get very angry at myself. And depression is really just anger turned inward.

Yay! 2 powerful discoveries: 1) You need an outlet & 2) You have Perfectionist traits So, when you were in IC, did you explore different relaxation techniques? Most perfectionists experience really high levels of anxiety but rather than having panic attacks, it manifests as loneliness & isolation so we avoid downtime like the plague. Now, to your outlet, what did you used to do for fun 7 years ago?

So, when you were in IC, did you explore different relaxation techniques?

A little bit. Not a much though.

what did you used to do for fun 7 years ago?

I worked a lot then too. Not as much as I do now. I watched sports in my downtime, spent time with WW. I can't really get into sports anymore. I've tried watching sports and I just don't care what's going on in the game. I don't have cable anymore because I wasn't watching any TV. I do watch some boxing on you tube but it's more or less just on, I'm not really into it.

I didn't do a lot of "fun" stuff for myself I guess. I suppose a lot of my world revolved around WW. I worked to provide for her and did what she wanted to do.

I suck at meditation but I really enjoy progressive muscle relaxation, have you tried that one? One common method of progressive muscle relaxation is to start by tensing and relaxing the muscles in your toes and progressively working your way up to your neck and head. For the record, the first few times, you'll feel really silly but it does work.

Now to fun stuff, so before there was a WW & too much work, was there any thing you did for fun? Just in case the answer is no, was there anything you ever want it to try?

I've worked long hours for the last 15 years. long meaning 60 hours a week or more.

I would go camping and hiking by myself before I met WW and we would go together throughout our M. I used to go fishing a lot too but I backed way off when I met WW. We did go together a few times a year though. Since D-day I've tried fishing but I can't concentrate on what I'm doing and have pretty much lost the desire to do it.

In essence, I can't/don't want to do anything that I did before D-day.

A few years ago I bought myself a whole bunch of gear to go backpacking (hiking for several days straight) but never went. I just couldn't get motivated enough to do it.

I honestly think that I would be best to just work and do nothing else with my life. I don't really want to do anything else with my life anyway.

ETA: I have heard of the progressive muscle relaxation thing. I've never tried it. I'm pretty sure I couldn't sit through any form of meditation.

[This message edited by Myname at 6:15 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]