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Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 14:27 PM

I have dated about 1 year after separation and during the divorce. I don't know if it was the smartest move but I did. He became and friend and confidant.

Problem.......He has 1 child. I have 2. He and I share quite a bit in common. So that's why we have gotten a long. We also went thru bad separations and divorces. Since my divorce was final last year the kids have been around ea. other more, etc...THis summer we have participated in activities such as the water park, attending a wedding, etc......

Our children do not get along and I do not get along with his daughter. I love children. I even thought of being a teacher at one point.. I have never experienced this before. His daughter is the same age as my daughter. They bicker and do not like the same things. His daughter is hyper and supposedly has ADHD. She was an only child (so I am I, but I had lots of friends and neighbors. She does not. Very self absorbed in a world I cannot see into.....)She interrupts, is naughty, and has no discipline. He will not displine her. I do so with my own children. But don't feel like I can with her. He said I can if I want.........

This is a problem. If I can't be around her and my children cannot either then how are we going to try to make this work? This is just "dating" We are not moving into together nor getting married.


Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 14:29 PM

Maybe it's time to move on.....

FaithFool posted 8/17/2014 14:39 PM

We also went thru bad separations and divorces.

His daughter also went through this ^^^.

If she's an only, she more than likely has a special relationship with her dad and feels threatened by you and your kids intruding into that world during that difficult time.

Nobody gave her time to heal. You're not her mom and it's inappropriate for him to fob that off on you. He needs to man up and get some rules in place or he's in for a rough ride with her when she hits puberty.

Just my 2 cents.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 2:40 PM, August 17th (Sunday)]

Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 14:48 PM

That's true. Her parents have been divorced 4 years ago. Maybe she never did heal. Both her parents refused to put her in counseling. Whereas I did immediately with my daughter and has healed so well. Just difference in opinions and parentings I suppose but I think it's been detrimental for this little girl.

I agree. Can you tell him to man up? :) Sometimes I think I have more balls than him. I won't discipline her anymore. It's not my place & doesn't feel right. But it's really hard to bite my tongue and i just feel like I want to run. My daughter says i want to like her mom but she is too much for me. And her dad is her servant. And my daughter is one who plays with everyone in her class. Boys or girls. There's definately an issue that everyone is avoding.

I have told him my frustrations.

Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 14:51 PM

I most definately think she has a form of ADHD and possibly Asperger's. But they only go to a family dr. who prescribes med's. I'm pro counseling/med's combo.

It's just an extreme difference in parenting.

I'm really frustrated and don't like how I feel inside about all this.

This is what dating is after 35. Kids, divorces, ex's, etc........Ugh..........The alternative was reconciling with my cheating ex.........Maybe I should just be alone with my kiddos!

Nature_Girl posted 8/17/2014 17:32 PM

I was watching children in my home this summer. It turned out to be a horrible, detrimental experience for my children. They did NOT get along with the other children. The other children were absolutely wild, ill-behaved, rude beyond belief, disrespectful, and simply horrid - so much so that I had to tell their mom we can't keep doing it and end things a month sooner than planned. With as hard a financial situation we are in, that was a major decision I had to make in giving up that income. However, my children are more important to me than the money. It is going to take a long time for my kids to get over what they went through this summer with the other children.

Please think very hard about the wisdom of forcing your kids to be in contact with a child when there is animosity between them.

Red Sox Nation posted 8/17/2014 17:39 PM

He will not displine her. I do so with my own children. But don't feel like I can with her. He said I can if I want.........

That's not a good option.

My daughter says i want to like her mom but she is too much for me.

Sometimes 8-year-olds have more maturity than adults. You're doing your job well. You can't do his.

I most definately think she has a form of ADHD and possibly Asperger's. But they only go to a family dr. who prescribes med's. I'm pro counseling/med's combo.

I'm not comfortable with people who don't have specific training diagnosing other people.

Sometimes, a situation arises that can kill an otherwise healthy relationship. His daughter is a priority, and not solving her issues will have a negative effect on her, you and your daughter.

If he is unwilling to step up and work on this problem, you have to step away. You can't save his daughter.

Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 20:56 PM

THis is good advice.

I want to look forward to events together (I do) but in the back of my mind I know it could be disasterous.......And it has been. I get so anxious inside being around her and my daughter says mom she is so annoying and talks so much I can't take it. I think the ADHD/Asperger's controls her. Parents are in denial. She doesn't see a counselor not even inthe school counselor. Just the doc who prescribes med's for ADHD and then gives her paxil. I don't get it. She gets along fine with my 4 yr old but maturity wise I think she is on more of a level with him than an 8 year old. This is just such a new experience I have never felt with a child before. And it's not her fault. It's her parents........I have to remember that. When i first met her she wasn't as bad. It has escalated. If it keeps going IDK what will happen. In 3rd grade and cannot read simple sentence. An intervention is needed as well as a behavioral/social specialist.

Melody3 posted 8/17/2014 20:59 PM

I just may have to step away. It will hurt in my heart. I do like this man, but if we are on that opposing ends of parenting it would be a disaster. Love doesn't conquer everything..........

peridot posted 8/17/2014 21:59 PM

If my kids weren't happy I would have to step away.

Griefstricken25 posted 8/17/2014 23:18 PM

As a parent, those sound like deal-breakers to me. Sorry.

Melody3 posted 8/18/2014 10:25 AM

It's very unfortunate.

A friend told me over the weekend that if you love him then you can get thru anything with his child. I don't know.........does love trump all? I'm too much of a "realist" for that comment.

I have spoken to his family some about her behaviors. Originally they reached out to me. They had her for a week while he was on a guy's vacation this past week. Concerned about her hyper behavior, not being able to read, etc....BUT, ultimately they said it would be dad's decision to do something. They would step back.

Also, his sister said she is mouthy just like a pre-teen. Excuse me? That's what you're blaming this behavior on? Doesn't fly with me.......

I think we are just on polar opposites of the spectrum on this issue.

Melody3 posted 8/18/2014 10:27 AM

I'm so distraught with school starting, this man & his child in my life, my ex with this new woman in our small tight knit community. I HATE IT!!!!!!! I feel like the world is spinning out of control. I want to take control back and feel some peace. I know peace comes from within. I have some big decisions to make. As a woman and a parent.

GabyBaby posted 8/18/2014 10:55 AM

if you love him then you can get thru anything with his child
I'm sorry, but this is horrible advice. That'd be like telling a BS that if you love your unremorseful wayward, then everything will be ok.
Was it?

As a parent, I would have to step away from this guy and his DD. He sounds (IMO) like a lazy parent (in that he wont discipline his DD, but is willing to let YOU do that work?!).

Melody3 posted 8/18/2014 11:05 AM

Agreed! I knew it was horrible advice too!

The bad thing is earlier this summer he wanted to help me with a remodeling project at my home. This was before our girls had met. I knew I wanted the children's meeting to be gradual. He's very handy. One of the things I love about him. So do I let him finish this project and then we discuss and move on? Feel like I'm using him. I have no money to pay a carpenter to finish something that is 1/2 way done.

What a mess.....There are so many good things but his laziness with his own child just blows me away. The weird thing is he is absolutely great with my kids. They think he is so much fun. Esp. my son. But he's also missing a male role model.

[This message edited by Melody3 at 11:12 AM, August 18th (Monday)]

No12turn2 posted 8/18/2014 11:20 AM

The truth shall set you free. Sit down and tell him what you have told us. Let him decide to step up or step out. If can't make that decision, it will certainly make it obvious to you what needs to be done.

GabyBaby posted 8/18/2014 11:27 AM

The weird thing is he is absolutely great with my kids. They think he is so much fun.
That's called a Disney Dad.
Its easy to be great part time. You don't have to do the real work (ie discipline).

libertyrocks posted 8/18/2014 11:29 AM

We are not moving into together nor getting married.

Then, what's the point?

She's a nine year old little girl who's world was torn apart. Of course, she feels threatened.

Dadtryingtocope posted 8/18/2014 11:58 AM

I am a father with a son with Asperger's. I can tell you straight up that I would not have a relationship with someone who can't "get along" with my kids. I know that he is not easy to live with, but most everyone gets along with him. That said there are people who just don't work well with special needs kids which includes kids on the spectrum. In your case maybe you feel you could get along with her but she is not disciplined at her age level. Well if she is an Asperger's kid, then she will not likely be at her age level with respect to social skills. This does not give her father the right to give her a pass on behavior and how she treats him or others. I would not accept it from my son. But it won't necessarily avoid it from happening again. Sometimes it takes longer for them to learn the lesson.

I would also add that if there is a significant difference in parenting styles and ideals, that is a deal breaker to me. I have broken up over this exact issue. Because while he/she won't need to discipline your kids, they do need to have your back when you discipline them.

Just my 2 cents.

GabyBaby posted 8/18/2014 12:06 PM

I have a special needs son and I agree with you that it isn't always a walk in the park and I would never stay in a relationship with anyone who doesn't get along with/care about my kids.

However, Melody3 is still in the dating stages and is seeing some (to me) big red flags with regard to his parenting.
Not disciplining a child (special needs or not) is an issue. Telling someone you're only dating that you're ok wiht them disciplining your child?!
That alone would have me running for the door.
My husband is my kids' stepfather and after 7 years together and 4 years of marriage he still doesn't discipline them (albeit they are adults now). He asks/asked them to do things and if they do not, he speaks with me and backs up my decisions.

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