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How do I get rid of the visual?

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hurt23 posted 8/18/2014 03:30 AM

Hello everyone. I am brand new here. I have been with the same guy for about 4 years. He recently bought a house to renovate.
I suspected something was going on and yesterday took some mail over for him in the morning and let myself in. Found him naked in bed with another woman. I threw his mail in his face and woke him up. He wouldn't even get out of the bed and I just left the house. I refuse to contact him and if he ever calls will never answer. I texted him to let him know that he is dead to me and that is it. I can't get the visual out of my head and have already had a nightmare while sleeping..I have nobody to talk to nor can I afford a therapist. I need guidance, help, and encouragement. Please help me because I am a good person and helped him with a lot in the past. I will change my locks today just in case because he refused to give my key back as he lay in bed with her. I am truly disgusted!

OakStreet posted 8/18/2014 04:55 AM


So sorry you are here.

There is a lot of reading in the upper left corner called The Healing Library. Start there.

It REALLY helps to have someone to talk to - this forum is one place - others will be along with advice soon.

Keep posting, you can rant here. I got wonderful advice from SI members, you will to.

nowiknow23 posted 8/18/2014 11:49 AM

Welcome to SI, honey. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here, but glad you found us.

I can't imagine the impact of seeing what you saw. To be honest - it will take time for that visual to retreat, but it will. Trauma takes time and work to recover from.

For the time being, focus on your self care. Drink plenty of water. Eat something, even if you don't feel like it. Try to get regular sleep. If any of those things become problematic for you, please talk to your doctor.

Try to move your body in some way every day. Whether it's walking, riding a bike, running, whatever - the endorphins will help you manage the stress and will help clear your thoughts as well.

Hang in there. Keep posting. We've got your back.

Mac4 posted 8/18/2014 21:58 PM

Hurt 23, so sorry you find yourself here. Early on I found it very hard to control the "visuals" and my emotions. So initially, the best advice is to take care of yourself physically as already suggested. Eat, sleep, excercise, try to spend time in activities you enjoy.

As time passed, I found myself better able to control the visuals, and ultimately I took control by allowing myself to think about them and then put them away. Just like you would turn on the tv. Now I can tell myself I'm going to look at it and put it away. Initially they were very powerful and emotional, but as the weeks and months pass they have less control over me.

Best of luck, you will find good advice here as to how others have handled their visuals as this is a common issue for many of us. And it will get better.

LoveIsDead posted 8/18/2014 22:06 PM

I never caught my WW and OM in the actual act, but know of a lot of places where they "Consumated" The Affair.

In fact, I just drove past the first place they had sex, and I was disgusted. Just being in the very place was enough to get my mind in over drive.

I am sorry you have to go through what I am currently going through, but I can honestly say this. Be strong. It's the hardest at first, but slows down a lot as time goes on. The only advice I can give is, KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED! Read books, excorsive, anything you can think of to keep your mind busy. It doesn't hurt when you don't think about it.

I wish you the very best luck, and hope my words help in any way.

hurt23 posted 8/19/2014 01:17 AM

Wow! Thanking anyone for responding. You have all helped brighten my day and I love you all for this. The reason for my tears is not my own pain, but our combined pain together. Let's get through this shit together. I am on DD 3 and he texted me with " are you still being and ass?" Guess so since I am on the no contact and changed the locks.. Confirming the NPD behavior now due to lots of reading...Thanking any response here and I love you people....for taking me in and helping..and having my back!
Wow I love my new friends here and they are getting me out of the suffering, Maybe we need to help each other although these amazing people are digging me out of this hole! Love them so much !

[This message edited by hurt23 at 4:59 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

k94ever posted 8/19/2014 15:43 PM

Dear H23,

One of my favorite posters here, a member named "Bigger", also walked in on his X in bed with another person.

You can message him directly. He probably will be able to help you.

Good Luck.


Duped88 posted 8/19/2014 16:08 PM

Imagine reading this regarding a comment about Taco Bell.
OM. I have eaten a taco before. One without a shell.

Damn! I used to like taco and Taco Bell!!

Bigger posted 8/19/2014 19:30 PM

I walked in on them in the act…
Like you it wasn’t a marriage but a long-term bf/gf situation. Actually we had our big wedding planned just over a month from that night.
I saw the OM naked body between her legs, heard the moans and the giggles, saw her hands on his back and buttocks… I stood for what felt like eternity before I hit the light switch.
(That’s when I got to witness an erection deflate in about 2 seconds flat!)

OK – I can recall the trauma and the pain but honestly… I’m GLAD I saw all that. I’m GLAD nothing was left to imagination. I’m GLAD that when I had the mind-movies all I saw was two people having average, nothing mind-blowing sex.

So my advice… Turn something negative into a positive. Use the image of them to convince yourself that deciding to end it is correct. Make the visual you aid, your buddy. You don’t have to have any doubts about your decision, don’t have to think they are only friends, only cuddling, no sex… whatever. Just like me walking in on them turned out to be a good thing for my life then you discovering your BF true behavior will be a good thing for your life.

cosmicjoke posted 8/19/2014 20:31 PM

I wholeheartedly agree with Bigger.. you are incredibly LUCKY. I know it sounds crazy.... but you are truly BLESSED. To see this awful thing, relatively early on in the rela, BEFORE you move in. BEFORE getting any more involved together, lives intertwined, etc. WOW you did the right thing..!! NO contact, change the locks, go dark. Talk to the Hand. That.. Is.. AWESOME. (Where did you learn how to do that?!)
Now stick to it and mean it. It doesn't matter what kind of great chemistry you have together, the memories, blah blah blah. He LOST his own game. HE DOES NOT RESPECT YOU..!! Or, women. Or, humans it appears. What's that he said..?? You're being an 'ass' ...?? WOW. Run.... run very fast from this delusional, manipulative, selfish creep while you can. Before you get sucked back in agin and again and again and.. (just read some of our stories and you'll get the picture).

I say 'lucky' because-- YOU GOT TO SEE IT STRAIGHT ON.. all in a split second. Sure it sucks & hurts like hell- but please take it from us-- THAT IS A GIFT..!
No bullshit, no lies, no gaslighting, no mind-twisting head games, no trickle truth. no guesswork, no digging, no sifting through the past trying to find a clue or piece it all together, years or decades of being betrayed, undermined and deceived behind your back.. no finding out that so many years of your life wasn't what you thought it was. No people- who you think of as 'friends' or 'nice people'- looking at you weirdly or pitifully and not really fully engaging with you- and you always wonder WHY. No endless trauma, drama, conflict, tears, pain, confusion, wearing down of your soul, your health, your dignity, your self-esteem, your spirit, your life.
It was just there- BOOM! and you saw it- you saw all you needed to see. Perfect. He actually did you a favor, being careless and letting you see NOW- who the Real 'ASS' is. And you reacted in the best/healthiest way possible!! I wish I had known how to do that years ago. Just one wrong thing and shut the door- that's it... DONE. He does NOT deserve one more second of your life. Don't let him have any more- he will just use it and waste it. and then you'll end up with just that- a wasted life.

Or...of course, you could give him 'one more chance'.. Try to 'work it out' and so on... and if so, good luck. And please remember what everyone has said here.

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