So sorry you are here.
There is a lot of reading in the upper left corner called The Healing Library. Start there.
It REALLY helps to have someone to talk to - this forum is one place - others will be along with advice soon.
Keep posting, you can rant here. I got wonderful advice from SI members, you will to.
I can't imagine the impact of seeing what you saw. To be honest - it will take time for that visual to retreat, but it will. Trauma takes time and work to recover from.
For the time being, focus on your self care. Drink plenty of water. Eat something, even if you don't feel like it. Try to get regular sleep. If any of those things become problematic for you, please talk to your doctor.
Try to move your body in some way every day. Whether it's walking, riding a bike, running, whatever - the endorphins will help you manage the stress and will help clear your thoughts as well.
Hang in there. Keep posting. We've got your back.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane
As time passed, I found myself better able to control the visuals, and ultimately I took control by allowing myself to think about them and then put them away. Just like you would turn on the tv. Now I can tell myself I'm going to look at it and put it away. Initially they were very powerful and emotional, but as the weeks and months pass they have less control over me.
Best of luck, you will find good advice here as to how others have handled their visuals as this is a common issue for many of us. And it will get better.
In fact, I just drove past the first place they had sex, and I was disgusted. Just being in the very place was enough to get my mind in over drive.
I am sorry you have to go through what I am currently going through, but I can honestly say this. Be strong. It's the hardest at first, but slows down a lot as time goes on. The only advice I can give is, KEEP YOURSELF OCCUPIED! Read books, excorsive, anything you can think of to keep your mind busy. It doesn't hurt when you don't think about it.
I wish you the very best luck, and hope my words help in any way.
[This message edited by hurt23 at 4:59 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]
One of my favorite posters here, a member named "Bigger", also walked in on his X in bed with another person.
You can message him directly. He probably will be able to help you.
Damn! I used to like taco and Taco Bell!!
OK – I can recall the trauma and the pain but honestly… I’m GLAD I saw all that. I’m GLAD nothing was left to imagination. I’m GLAD that when I had the mind-movies all I saw was two people having average, nothing mind-blowing sex.
So my advice… Turn something negative into a positive. Use the image of them to convince yourself that deciding to end it is correct. Make the visual you aid, your buddy. You don’t have to have any doubts about your decision, don’t have to think they are only friends, only cuddling, no sex… whatever. Just like me walking in on them turned out to be a good thing for my life then you discovering your BF true behavior will be a good thing for your life.
I say 'lucky' because-- YOU GOT TO SEE IT STRAIGHT ON.. all in a split second. Sure it sucks & hurts like hell- but please take it from us-- THAT IS A GIFT..!
No bullshit, no lies, no gaslighting, no mind-twisting head games, no trickle truth. no guesswork, no digging, no sifting through the past trying to find a clue or piece it all together, years or decades of being betrayed, undermined and deceived behind your back.. no finding out that so many years of your life wasn't what you thought it was. No people- who you think of as 'friends' or 'nice people'- looking at you weirdly or pitifully and not really fully engaging with you- and you always wonder WHY. No endless trauma, drama, conflict, tears, pain, confusion, wearing down of your soul, your health, your dignity, your self-esteem, your spirit, your life.
It was just there- BOOM! and you saw it- you saw all you needed to see. Perfect. He actually did you a favor, being careless and letting you see NOW- who the Real 'ASS' is. And you reacted in the best/healthiest way possible!! I wish I had known how to do that years ago. Just one wrong thing and shut the door- that's it... DONE. He does NOT deserve one more second of your life. Don't let him have any more- he will just use it and waste it. and then you'll end up with just that- a wasted life.
Or...of course, you could give him 'one more chance'.. Try to 'work it out' and so on... and if so, good luck. And please remember what everyone has said here.