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Girlfriend's father said no

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therun posted 8/18/2014 09:09 AM

I had rough years since my divorce. After years of alcohol and drug abuse. I found thatI still loved myself and got clean. Stayed sober and met the girl that made me forget about my hurt.

I've never had patience to rely on others. I'm a combat veteran, I like controlling what I can in my life. The first timeiI got married I informed the man I was marrying his daughter. Over the years I've had a tingle of guilt about that. I wanted to do things the right way.

I asked him and he said no. He said I already made a mockery of marriage once and I'm not Christian Enough. I asked him how many men his wife had brought to their bed? I forgave her twice before Ithrew her out. I told him he was lucky he never had to deal with infidelity. I told him I was a great husband and will be again.

I drove across two states to talk to him face to face, and now I'm on my way back home and don't know what my next move is. Only a few times in my life have I not known my next move.

norabird posted 8/18/2014 09:14 AM


What an ignorant reaction. I hope this doesn't cause you to change course, if your GF is the right match for you then her father's opinion is irrelevant. But I'm so sorry that he acted in this way. My understanding of Christianity is that it involves love and forgiveness for our fellow humans, NOT judgement or self-righteousness.

imagoodwitch posted 8/18/2014 09:30 AM

He said I already made a mockery of marriage once and I'm not Christian Enough.

This sounds very judgemental to me.

Yes, he is entitled to his opinion but this sounds really holier than thou and not very Christian.

nowiknow23 posted 8/18/2014 12:50 PM

I'm sorry, therun. His response was ignorant and judgmental. You are not responsible for the breakup of your marriage, and it's wrong of him to hold you accountable for it.

Will his opinion matter to your GF?

Dadtryingtocope posted 8/18/2014 12:54 PM

Agree with NIK here. Her father is out of line placing blame on you. Hopefully you and your girlfriend can move forward without worrying whether he gave you his consent or not.

Tearsoflove posted 8/18/2014 13:20 PM

My son is in a relationship with a girl who told him he has to ask her father before he asks her to marry him. My daughter overheard this and asked me:

"Mom, does Sam have to ask Dad if he marries me?"

I said "No, that is an antiquated custom dating back to when women had no rights and were thought of as possessions. Men asked the father for permission because she was her father's property and if permission was given, she would become her husband's property. The woman was left completely out of the loop like her opinion didn't matter. There is no way I would raise my daughters that way, so, no, Sam does not have to ask your father's permission. He has to ask yours. And only you have a say in whether or not you marry him, as it should be."

I'm not sure where it says in the Bible that a woman shouldn't have a say in her own marriage but that custom of asking someone else for permission to marry needs to go.

better4me posted 8/18/2014 13:31 PM

Yikes. How's your fiance dealing with this? Judgment is every where and I guess this guy got to cast the first stone!

I'm sorry that he acted in such a manner. Daughters aren't chattel and a woman needs no one's "permission" to marry. Although your "asking for her hand in marriage" is a nice tradition, it really doesn't amount to a hill of beans.

You say you don't know your next move? This:

I told him I was a great husband and will be again.
is the part that matters. And that, dear TR is your next move. Be a great husband!

Be polite to your soon to be father in law when you next see him, and remember that although his approval would have been nice, he can go suck eggs.

[This message edited by better4me at 1:32 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

jadasae posted 8/18/2014 14:38 PM

This is tough, and I understand that the general reaction is to say shove his opinion and get married anyway...for me the problem is this...this is your girlfriends father, I'm guessing some of the qualities you love about her would include those that come from her family. Putting her in the position of having to chose between you, or to break apart her current family to build a new one to me is a risky business, it may well not just be her father she loses in the process but her mother, siblings, nieces/nephews etc. You've told her father you want to marry her, so now show him, give him time to know you more, treat him with continued respect and courtesy, don't make her chose but talk to her about how you go forward...I have seen families split apart over silly things....I have buried my ex-husband and regret so much that we didn't get further down the road in forgiveness and kindness toward each other...hopefully, you and your girlfriend can demonstrate to him that what you have is special and wonderful, that its (and you're)not going away, and when he can see how happy it makes his daughter that love will work in your favour.

solus sto posted 8/18/2014 16:36 PM

Where is your girlfriend in all of this?

Did she know you were asking her father?

Had you asked her already?

How does she think you should proceed?

Did you have a plan, together, for how you would proceed, if the wild card did not play as you'd hoped?

My inclination is that Dad doesn't get a vote--and that your daughter can navigate her relationship with him on this topic. But you did invite him into the decision-making process, which does complicate things.

If you proceed, I'd suggest that she tell him--with you present, so there's a united front, "Dad, I respect and love you, but I am marrying Run. He's a good man and I love him."

I don't know what "Christian enough" means, but I do know that one of the top Ten Commandments is Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, and that adultery is one of the church-sanctioned causes for divorce. So he doesn't really have a Christian leg to stand on, there.

[This message edited by solus sto at 4:41 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 8/19/2014 02:40 AM

Am I the only person who has had this song stuck in his/her head all day?

Can I have your daughter for the rest of my life? (Say yes, say yes)
'Cause I need to know
You say I'll never get your blessing till the day I die
Tough luck my friend but no still means no!

Why you gotta be so rude?
Don't you know I'm human too
Why you gotta be so rude
I'm gonna marry her anyway
(excerpt from Rude by Magic)

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 2:40 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

happenedtome posted 8/19/2014 06:58 AM

I am sorry that your future father-in-law doesn't approve, but why would you need his permission to marry his daughter? .Women generally don't get married when they are minors, are not owned by their parents, and marriage is not a transfer of ownership or even guardianship of the woman from her parents to her husband. Marriage should be an equal partnership and while one would hope that the parents of each partner approves, if each partner wants the marriage, preauthorization by outside parties isn't required.

LearningToRun posted 8/19/2014 07:21 AM

I love your response to your daughter, tearsoflove!!
Women are not possessions to be passed from one man to another, period.

That said, this is her father. You want to spend holidays with this family? You don't marry in a vacumm - he just gave you a glimpse at one aspect of your future with this woman you may have overlooked. Tread carefully

GotPlayed posted 8/19/2014 12:29 PM

Most Christian pastors (nearly all of them) allow divorce in cases of infidelity.

So while I don't know what "not Christian enough" means (I go to church very often and believe, does that count?), I know (because I talked to the men's pastor at my church and there were sermons about it at our church) that infidelity (and Satanism) are the only two reasons for which "til death do us part" is justified in ending. The actual quote from our pastor (at sermon) is (and he said it loudly) "if your spouse was unfaithful to you you are under no obligation to take them back"

So actually a mockery of marriage would have been to stay with an un-remorseful adulteress.

You may want to bring this up to your father in law. If he's going to be legalistic enough to call you a "not Christian enough", he will then agree with:

Hebrews 13:4
Proverbs 5 (the whole thing)
Proverbs 6:24-35 (which actually compares prostitutes favorably to WWs, in that at least a hooker can be had for some money, but an adulteress wife "preys upon your very life"
Matthew 5:31 (which specifically adds "except on the ground of sexual immorality".

I could go on.

But diplomatically speaking,

It is very important to know when you're in a pissing match. And it's very important to get out of it as quickly as possible.
―Randy Pausch

So you may want to talk to the pastor at his church (maybe go with your GF, to introduce yourself). He will likely set him straight. Better yet, consider marrying it at his (and your GF's?) church, or at least going through a marriage prep course there. The pastor will love you for attempting to do the right thing, and if he's such a "good Christian" as he says, the pastor will have a couple chats with him and cool him down.

If he brings up forgiveness, point him to "The Gift of Forgiveness", by Charles Stanley. It deftly and with scripture outlines the difference between forgiving and staying in a toxic environment. It's all on the true remorsefulness of the person who hurt you. You can forgive and still divorce. And he could use a bit of forgiveness himself.

He's just protecting what he considers his turf IMO. Christianity has nothing to do with it, and you both are free to marry each other.

Please don't let goons like this give you a bad view on Christianity. They give me the willies too.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 12:30 PM, August 19th, 2014 (Tuesday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/19/2014 12:51 PM

FYI, there are some churches who teach that divorce is never allowed, no matter what. No matter if there is infidelity, no matter if there is abuse. No divorce.

brokeninfl posted 8/19/2014 13:41 PM

Ugh. I'm so sorry therun. I really thought in this day and age the "asking for permission" was a sort of "old world formality" - if it was done at all.

If I were your girlfriend (beyond being upset that he would say that to you period) I would be offended for *me*.

In the vain of what TearsofLove said -- My XWH asked my father for "permission" to marry me. Neither of my parents liked XWH (actually they pretty much hated him) -- but his response was "I raised my girls to think for themselves, and exercise good judgment. You don't need my permission, you just need her agreement."

That is the attitude of a parent that trust their child. My parents were upfront with my about not being fond of my EX, but they would never have presumed to not give their "permission" - since it wasn't there's to give.

Crescita posted 8/19/2014 15:13 PM

FYI, there are some churches who teach that divorce is never allowed, no matter what. No matter if there is infidelity, no matter if there is abuse. No divorce.

It's also going to be a hard sell if her parents have a history of infidelity and are the rug-sweeping sort where remorse isn't a requirement for reconciliation.

It would be better to stay true to your own values and reevaluate if her father's permission is necessary for you to move forward with your bride to be. If asking permission was just a nice gesture/courtesy, then proceed as you will.

UndecidedinMA posted 8/20/2014 16:47 PM

I'm not Christian Enough.

Wow just Wow!! I think my response might have been - Right back atcha Dad!

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