My question is this: anyone have similar situations where the WS started meds after the affair? What was the result? How did you feel about it?
H is terrified of being on meds, of being labeled, etc. His father (who is the source of all his issues) is depressed and likely bipolar. H is afraid that I won't want him because he's on meds. I told him the meds don't frighten me at all. Lies and deceit do.
I also have a fWH who started his meds after his A. To be fair, he used them before the A, but the OW convinced him to go off them so that he could drink and "have fun". I've gotta say that he didn't have much "fun" when he was found out!
Once his meds kicked in (AD's), and he started back on his Ritalin, he was a completely different person. He was back to being the honest, reliable man he used to be, but with a crap-ton of work to do to save our M. He was also completely disgusted with what he had done, and is still working through that with his IC.
I felt so relieved when he stopped listening to his "friend", and started listening to his doctors again. I knew that we had a much better chance at R if fWH was mentally well. At least what the doctor's have to say is in his best interest...
I'm curious as to why your WH is afraid of being labelled. Nobody but you and his doctor need to know. Is he afraid of the stigma associated with depression? Perhaps a good IC will be able to help him with his fears.
As for him thinking that you won't want him because he's on meds, perhaps you can reassure him that it's not the meds that will push you away; it's his behaviour when he's unwell and not medicated.
Several months later he's always upset again, saying he feels like he's going backwards. We try a few other options thinking maybe it's a work situation but eventually he went back on the med. That was this past fall and there hasn't been any talk about stopping it anytime soon.
He does have a new therapist who is much more practical. With advice about how to handle situations, etc. It's helped him a lot. His previous therapist was a nod and listen type. That was ok for a while but it stagnated a few years back. That therapist couldn't really offer suggestions for handing situations and he was at the point where he believed that would help him more.
Perhaps we will revisit going off the meds sometime in the future. How things fell down around him last time, makes him in no hurry to stop.
Really except for becoming more stable, the only sign he was even on the meds was taking longer to orgasm during sex. And we can live with that.
Will he discuss the details of why he feels that way about meds? My wh barely took advil before the A so his meds are a big change. Maybe just keep reassuring him will help?
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.
I do reassure him that the meds aren't the issue for me. It is, though, VERY difficult for me to act as the cheerleader and give him support when I'm not even sure I want to stay. I do support him as best I can as far as it being good for him and in his best interest.
I will also suggest a psychiatrist versus who he is now seeing.
I think he is more afraid of being his father than any actual label.
Saved his brother, who found the courage to go seek counseling, diagnosis, and ADs which have stopped him from circling the drain. Saved his nephew from potential suicide after I had a hell of an intervention with him in, of all places, a hot tub, where I told him to get his shit together, seek help, or be a lifeless loser for the rest of his life. Yeah, I had had a few drinks. Found out that several of his friends also battle depression and has come to understand that this is just like having Diabetes. You seek a diagnosis, take the medicine that will enable you to live a full life, and keep a careful eye on your health.
So, what are his goals? To be a healthy, productive, honorable man in society, or stay in the hell-hole that he's created for himself by ignoring his problems? He has EVERYTHING to lose by keeping on his same ole, same ole path, and EVERYTHING to gain by seeking competent medical help.
D-Day, June 10, 2012