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luluphoenix posted 8/18/2014 10:29 AM

Recap: false R for 7 months. Discovered they'd still been in contact, frequent for the first 3 months and very dwindled up until early Aug. The day after d-day 2, H stormed out of the house and ended up at therapist's. He went twice that day and once the next and also saw our regular doctor who prescribed him a sleep aid and an antidepressant. Entire time, he says he doesn't want a divorce, knows he has no right to ask me to stay, and so on. This was just last week and he just took the first antidepressant 2 days ago. I know it takes at least 4 weeks to begin working.
In the meantime, I feel like I'm getting the truth for the very first time. I am also very guarded and not jumping into R like I did last time. Actually, I am leaving today for a night free of him and staying at a cabin at a state park.

My question is this: anyone have similar situations where the WS started meds after the affair? What was the result? How did you feel about it?
H is terrified of being on meds, of being labeled, etc. His father (who is the source of all his issues) is depressed and likely bipolar. H is afraid that I won't want him because he's on meds. I told him the meds don't frighten me at all. Lies and deceit do.

Allornothing posted 8/18/2014 16:18 PM

(((Hugs))) lulu.

I also have a fWH who started his meds after his A. To be fair, he used them before the A, but the OW convinced him to go off them so that he could drink and "have fun". I've gotta say that he didn't have much "fun" when he was found out!

Once his meds kicked in (AD's), and he started back on his Ritalin, he was a completely different person. He was back to being the honest, reliable man he used to be, but with a crap-ton of work to do to save our M. He was also completely disgusted with what he had done, and is still working through that with his IC.

I felt so relieved when he stopped listening to his "friend", and started listening to his doctors again. I knew that we had a much better chance at R if fWH was mentally well. At least what the doctor's have to say is in his best interest...

I'm curious as to why your WH is afraid of being labelled. Nobody but you and his doctor need to know. Is he afraid of the stigma associated with depression? Perhaps a good IC will be able to help him with his fears.

As for him thinking that you won't want him because he's on meds, perhaps you can reassure him that it's not the meds that will push you away; it's his behaviour when he's unwell and not medicated.

Good luck!

BtraydWife posted 8/18/2014 21:24 PM

My wh started meds after the affair. How he was feeling about himself was a large part of his cheating. He took it for a couple of years (zoloft) then tapered off.

Several months later he's always upset again, saying he feels like he's going backwards. We try a few other options thinking maybe it's a work situation but eventually he went back on the med. That was this past fall and there hasn't been any talk about stopping it anytime soon.

He does have a new therapist who is much more practical. With advice about how to handle situations, etc. It's helped him a lot. His previous therapist was a nod and listen type. That was ok for a while but it stagnated a few years back. That therapist couldn't really offer suggestions for handing situations and he was at the point where he believed that would help him more.

Perhaps we will revisit going off the meds sometime in the future. How things fell down around him last time, makes him in no hurry to stop.

Really except for becoming more stable, the only sign he was even on the meds was taking longer to orgasm during sex. And we can live with that.

Will he discuss the details of why he feels that way about meds? My wh barely took advil before the A so his meds are a big change. Maybe just keep reassuring him will help?

Lionne posted 8/19/2014 10:11 AM

Please, please insist he see a psychiatrist for a proper diagnosis. My SAFWH was diagnosed clinically depressed and medicated for many years before and during the years of his worst acting out. It was only when he was properly diagnosed with bipolar 2, and medicated, that he began to feel better, act better and stop his insanity. PCPs just don't have the skills to do this well....

luluphoenix posted 8/19/2014 13:23 PM

Thank you all for responding.

I do reassure him that the meds aren't the issue for me. It is, though, VERY difficult for me to act as the cheerleader and give him support when I'm not even sure I want to stay. I do support him as best I can as far as it being good for him and in his best interest.

I will also suggest a psychiatrist versus who he is now seeing.

I think he is more afraid of being his father than any actual label.

BtraydWife posted 8/19/2014 13:40 PM

If he has inherited a mental health issue from his father he can't run from it. To deny it because it's not what he wants (and who wants that?) could lead to the very outcome he's trying to avoid.

Skan posted 8/20/2014 19:45 PM

Well, clinical depression doesn't run in my FWHs family. It gallops. His maternal grandfather shot himself. Several uncles essentially lived in dark rooms away from their families. His brother is on ADs. His nephew is on ADs. And I begged him for years to go see a doctor about his depression, but he refused. Locked his demons up inside himself until they blew out completely sideways and helped him to justify himself into infidelity. All his decisions, just like NOT going to a doctor was, because he didn't want to be labeled. And now he carries a scarlet A engraved on his chest. And the fallout from being diagnosed being clinically depressed and on ADs?

Saved his brother, who found the courage to go seek counseling, diagnosis, and ADs which have stopped him from circling the drain. Saved his nephew from potential suicide after I had a hell of an intervention with him in, of all places, a hot tub, where I told him to get his shit together, seek help, or be a lifeless loser for the rest of his life. Yeah, I had had a few drinks. Found out that several of his friends also battle depression and has come to understand that this is just like having Diabetes. You seek a diagnosis, take the medicine that will enable you to live a full life, and keep a careful eye on your health.

So, what are his goals? To be a healthy, productive, honorable man in society, or stay in the hell-hole that he's created for himself by ignoring his problems? He has EVERYTHING to lose by keeping on his same ole, same ole path, and EVERYTHING to gain by seeking competent medical help.

tl502 posted 8/20/2014 23:59 PM

My h went on ad's within 1 month of the a. Today our life is more even keeled No extreme lows anymore, but we are able to enjoy the things that we used to without him rushing them so that we can get to the next thing.
There is a huge genetic predisopsition in his family so I believe that he will be on them forever. But you know, thats fine with me. He is finally becoming the h that I always thought he was, and he doesn't have to act anymore.