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Why Don't They Care?

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Adrienne posted 8/18/2014 11:46 AM

I'm 2 months post D-Day and am working through my dissolution papers. WS agreed to it. It just bothers me so much how much my WS doesn't care about the pain I'm in. He just keeps carrying on with the A like it's a normal day. No remorse, no respect towards me. I guess he is in some kind of fog but I still don't get it and it's no excuse. We've been married 17 years and together 22. He was so good at faking affection with me while he was in the A too. I guess he is some kind of con artist or master manipulator.

I found out that his ho is actually a drug addict prostitute who he is trying to "save" and have a relationship with. I know that ultimately, it won't end well for him and ho. I guess that makes me feel somewhat better. He always checks her phone to see if she is cheating and they fight all of the time because he gives her tons of money and she buys drugs with it instead of food, etc. They deserve each other.

Yesterday afternoon he came home smelling like cheap perfume and I called him on it. Not yelling but in a smart ass way and then I went upstairs and didn't say anything to him the rest of the night. I knew he had been with her. I saw their text messages to one another.

I just don't understand how I became this piece of trash so quickly. Although, I bet he's thought about me that way for some time now.

I'm sure so many of you have this same story. It just makes me really sad and is the hardest thing to overcome.


[This message edited by Adrienne at 11:47 AM, August 18th (Monday)]

BlueinStLou posted 8/18/2014 12:14 PM

I'm so sorry. Please read the guidance in the healing library. It helps some to understand.

Do you have friends/family to spend time with when you are subjected to his lack of caring? Build a network to enjoy that is about you.

Swims posted 8/18/2014 12:52 PM

((( Adrienne))) you are NOT a piece of trash, she is! I'm bumping "honey, they always affair down" for you. Read it and strength to you!

10yearsafter posted 8/18/2014 14:13 PM

I am sorry. I don't get it either. After 22 years! Did that mean nothing.

He throws you away for some drug addled hooker.
It just makes no sense.

Be strong. Get rid of him and move on. I know it is painful but you can do it.

blindsided81 posted 8/18/2014 16:46 PM

I am in the exact spot you are in except my WH left me to live with a trailer trash ho.

He has no remorse, no feelings and can leave me lying on the floor hysterically crying and not look back.

It is beyond my comprehension how they do this. I wouldn't have lasted one night with the lies this man told me for 8 months before he left.

When I ask him, he just says we never communicated, it's been over a long time, I never wanted to do anything (which is really funny, because for almost the entire affair I was recovering from major surgery with numerous complications) Sure wish I had known it had been over a long time. Total blame shifting.

So I can't tell you why, but I can send hugs and tell you aren't alone!

bravegirl19 posted 8/18/2014 18:45 PM

Adrienne and blindsided...I am experiencing similar blame shifting and lack of remorse from my STBXH. He use to walk in our bedroom, hear me bawling on our bed, and leave to the family room where he'd turn on the TV and laugh out loud at the comedy he was watching. Ewww.

I'm not sure if its sociopathic, foggy, or cluelessness these cheaters share...but all I know is its torture to be on the receiving end of it. :(

I always tell people I feel like he threw me (and our unborn child) away like trash for his 24 year old slut. But I know now that he is the broken one with no integrity or credibility. She can have him!

bigskyblues posted 8/19/2014 02:25 AM

Adreienne, they don't care simply because it isn't about you, it is all about them. They didn't cheat because of something their spouse did or did not provide, they cheated because they wanted to. It is about their personal gratification (read selfishness), they are broken inside, they don't think like you or I, and there isn't anything you can do about it.

This is a link that another SI member posted some time back. It talks about "patterns of betrayal." I didn't read this until I was a couple of years into this process and it was amazing how precisely it was describing my xww.

I can tell you that when I finally reached the point where I was willing to accept that my ww was truly broken, that I didn't break her, and that I couldn't fix her, it became much easier to detach and begin the process of moving on. So no, you are not a piece of trash, your a good decent spouse like the rest of us, and also like the rest of us your other half surprisingly just happens to be this pathetic, weak, broken person that you don't even recognize.

Strength to you Adrienne!


hurt23 posted 8/19/2014 13:58 PM

So sorry honey. Sounds like my ex and your husband have been hanging out together. I am on day 3 and know the pain you are in. Can you kick him out? He is poison to you. He doesn't deserve you!

Sunrising posted 8/19/2014 15:34 PM

Because their heads are so far up their asses
My WS threw me and (at the time). 3 kids away for a drug addicted hooker too, 20 years his junior. For a year and a half. He was also trying to save her. It's beyond comprehension. You are bang on when you say it won't bode well for them, I'm betting she saw him coming a mile away like my WS drug addicted hooker did. I'm so so sorry you're going through this, it's hell on earth.
Why is he still in the house with you?
Please don't let him continue like this
He wants to be with her?
Show him the curb
My WS came back in 2011 and was offered the gift of R. We are now separated again as he's been looking at porn again ("just" porn according to him but who knows) I've had 2 more kids since then with him too.
Please take care of yourself
They really do affair down, please read and reread that thread
My heart goes out to you

momentintime posted 8/19/2014 15:41 PM

They steel themselves to not care. If they faced what they were doing, they would have to faced being the bad person. Easier to demonize you, to harden their hearts. They just can't let any kindness or awareness of "you" in. It is a defense mechanism. Nothing actually to do with you.

Adrienne posted 8/19/2014 15:47 PM

Sunrising, I'm so sorry that this happened to you as well.

I have repeatedly asked WS to leave. His whore begs him to move in with her but he wants his cake and his nice lifestyle too. GRRRR! I went to an attorney only days after finding out. WS also owns the house. In my state, there's nothing I can do unless he is being violent or threatening violence. It sucks but I've tried everything from a legal perspective. I just avoid him until the D can go through.

dreamlife posted 8/21/2014 11:38 AM

At first, I would call it being in a major fog, of being in a state of lust/limerance...the "grass is always greener on the other side" attitude.

I'm sorry you are going through this. He sounds like a KISA.

((((huge hugs)))

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