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I Feel SO Bad for Him

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libertyrocks posted 8/18/2014 12:34 PM

He's finally hit rock bottom, is willing to do anything for me, is truly sorry for once and shows it, loves our boys, but has no where to live. I'm wondering if he only wants to get back with me because he has no place to go...

But, on the other hand, tells me I need to work out my issues. His therapist tells him not to talk to me. When I ask him to do things. He doesn't, then I get upset. It's an ongoing horrible cycle. I ask, and ask, he promises, then doesn't follow through. I get upset and disappointed. He thinks I treat him bad when I call him out on what he didn't do. Like take our son to get his vaccines, pay some of the bills - which he never has. He's basically not a grown up.

He's really good at making me think it was my fault, I didn't treat him well. All I ever wanted was for him to take some of the real life responsibilites, and he never has. Till this very day. He's a recovering alcoholic, I know he has foo issues, too, but insists I'm the one who needs help. Even though, I do everything for the kids...

I'm so depressed. I hope he doesn't do anything bad, like drink again. I'm so sad, I cannot contain myself from crying right now.

I know I don't want to go back to that old life. The old life of obessing over catching him drinking, of his cheating, his lying, the domestic violence, the controlling ways he kept me isolated, the cynical ways he'd put me down, etc. But, I feel so bad for him. I wish he wasn't so broken...

He says he still loves me and is in love with me. I'm such a mess right now...

I tried OLD and all those guys want is a piece. It's disgusting and I want no part of it. I know I need time to heal and I shouldn't date right now.

I just so want my husband back right now.

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:54 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

suckstobeme posted 8/18/2014 13:08 PM

I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. Here's the thing though - do you truly believe that how he treats you is what love is all about? He can say it a million times over, but do his actions really speak of a person who knows how to love? Abuse isn't love. Blaming someone else for your own problems isn't love. Refusing to grow up and act like a partner in a serious relationship that involves children isn't love.

He is very broken. All the wishing and hoping in the world isn't going to change that. Only he can and it doesn't seem like he's doing much to change it.

Please tell me that you are in IC and that you are learning about co-dependency. I know you want so badly to have what you love and what is comfortable in your life, but you unfortunately can't fix him. All of his problems were caused by his choices. His choices.

You do not have to go back to that life. If you step away and really see this man - not the man you hope him to be but the man he is - an alcoholic, an abuser, a blameshifter, and irresponsible parent - is this the man that you want? You know how your life is going to be with him in it forever. You honestly have no idea what can happen once you are free.

And yes, dating right now and in this stage is just not going to work. OLD right now is giving you a very false sense of what else is out there once you're ready. It's been almost 4 years for me and I haven't dated. People constantly ask me why and I sometimes ask myself why. I don't think I'm ready and you know what? That's okay. I've learned how to like being alone. It's no longer scary or uncomfortable. The rest of my life is very full with my kids and my job and my family and my friends. I get lonely sometimes, but then I pull myself back and think that I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be away from someone who had so little regard for me and our family. I'm lucky to have gotten a chance to rebuild even though it's very hard and still makes me sad sometimes. I'm still much luckier than I would have been had he stuck around.

Don't feel bad for him. He doesn't deserve that - he almost destroyed you and you're feeling bad for him? That's the issue that you need to explore. You need to be able to separate yourself to the point where you can feel bad for him, but not have it impact your decision to get him out of your life.

RippedSoul posted 8/18/2014 13:17 PM

Liberty, honey, DO work on you. But not because he tells you you have issues. None of us has a crystal ball to predict the future, but it he gets his act together and you heal yourself from all of the damage that living with an addict inflicts and you still both love each other, then anything can happen. But right now? Right this very moment? This month? The rest of this year? You both have a lot of work to do and it sounds like solo work is the best option.

If you don't know the serenity prayer, learn it. Find a therapy group (I love my S-Anon group) that is a great fix and fit for you. Many of my group friends attend multiple meetings weekly. Read and read and read. Post and post and post. IC and IC and IC. Pamper and pamper and pamper. Exercise and exercise and exercise.

Don't worry about other guys. The additional drama is not therapeutic. It's all about YOU now. It has to be. You have so much intrinsic value. You have a wonderful soul and you need to be re-introduced to her. You'd like her! Remember, you come first. FIRST!!!

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 1:17 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

newlysingle posted 8/18/2014 14:37 PM

You say his actions don't match his words. Why would you take a chance on him again? Watch what he is really saying to you. His actions say that he needs a soft place to land, but has no intention of changing.

gonnabe2016 posted 8/18/2014 19:33 PM

Libs -- look for the bubbles and follow them to the top.
Do NOT allow this abusive man to suck you back in.

If this f'n guy has TRULY hit rock-bottom, then he wouldn't be handing YOU a checklist of what YOU need to work on. The *truth* of his rock-bottom is:

Honestly, I don't think you're feeling bad for him so much as feeling bad for yourself (and I don't mean that in a "stop your pity-party" way). I mean it as *you* know that you guys could have a good life is he wasn't so fucked up. But he is.
Having compassion is a good thing....until you run into a person who uses your compassionate nature against you.

The only people that I can feel *active compassion* for are the ones who are actively working on themselves in an effort to make themselves better.
I will offer a hand to someone in need, but if that person is not making MORE of an effort to *right* his/her situation than I am? Gonna's *out*. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll be full for a lifetime.

Instead of spending time looking for dates on OLD, go to websites that will educate and strengthen you. Al-anon. Baggage reclaim. Psychopathy awareness. Outtathefog. Or ANY domestic violence websites you can find. (he may not be a psychopath or have a personality disorder, but he is abusive and there are parallels. There are resources on those sites that offer guidance on detachment and resisting his *lures*.

I hope he doesn't do anything bad, like drink again
Gently Libs, whether he drinks again or not is all on him. Your action or inaction is not a factor here. If he is not committed to his own sobriety for his own reasons, then he will find ANY excuse to drink.

I know I don't want to go back to that old life
This is the key. You don't want what you had. Start working on detachment, and begin with NC. Let him know that you will only correspond with him about the logistics of finances/kids and do not engage with him about any issues outside of those. This means that you engage if he says "I'll be there for the boys at 4", but you don't engage if he says "liberty, you need to think about how <this> affects the boys."

He says he still loves me and is in love with me.
By saying this to you, he is abusing you. He is trying to manipulate you. He most likely does love you....but it is in a very, very, very dysfunctional way that is detrimental to YOUR emotional health.

It's hard, Lib, really hard to pull away from this type of dysfunction. But if you don't, you are only enabling him and you are destroying yourself. Be fair to YOU. Be good to YOU.
YOU are the one person in the world that you KNOW you can count on.

bigskyblues posted 8/19/2014 03:39 AM

Liberty, it is obvious that you recognize your wh is broken. Then realize the facts are that there is nothing you can do to fix your wh, only he can fix himself. Do you SEE your wh doing anything that would convince you he is working on fixing his issues? I am going to venture a guess from your post that the answer is not only no, but hell no.

So now you have two choices:

Stay and hope for the best which is actually just more of the same

Move on, be in charge of your future and your children's future.

I know that moving on is scarey, it is human nature to fear change, to fear the unknown. But the fact is you and your children deserve so much more out of life. Don't worry about the dating thing right now, take the time to heal and learn. If you take that time, I promise you will have more experience at identifying red flags in any possible future relationship.

When he says he loves you, realize what you have been living is not love, love does not hurt! He is saying this for one or two reasons. He knows what he has done is horrible and wrong, he can ease his conscience or project the image of the nice guy by saying this. You also make a great plan B when the fantasy isn't going so well.

But, I feel so bad for him. I wish he wasn't so broken...

I totally get this, I feel very similar about the xww as she is the mother of my children. I have been able to refine that feeling a bit and it makes more sense to me, and is a little safer emotionally. Now when I think that, I think of it as "I don't feel sorry for xww, but I do feel sad for her."

The xww has all the FOO issues in the world and that is sad, but it doesn't justify her actions. The xww made her choices, and they were informed choices, so I don't feel sorry for her. I also know that she is chasing some kind of fantasy that will never come true. The xww will never know or feel the true happiness that we all deserve, and for that I am truly sad for her.

Be good to yourself, peace to you and your kids!


realitybites posted 8/19/2014 06:51 AM

This is the Co-Dep part of you that is whispering in your ear, the one that accepts this very bad treatment and disrespect as long as someone "says" they love you or need you. You are a fixer, he is a taker...thats the dynamic.

I say not only would you be doing yourself a HUGE disservice by letting him back in your life but you will be not allowing him to grow and learn on his own if he is allowed to come back home, because he will once again live off of all of YOUR hard work and not have done anything to have earned it.

He very likely IS hitting rock bottom and if he does you can't be there to "save" him. He is looking to you to be there to do the hard work and you can't do that for him any more. I agree with others, have you found a support group for spouses of alcoholics? Do you have an IC for yourself? Please find a way to help you and only you thru the next phase of getting your life back.

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2014 14:08 PM

I know I'm co-dependent. I also know I can't go back to that life after all the hard work I've already done alone without him. I'm utterly saddened that my life has turned out like this. I've been so tough for so long and now all of a sudden I feel so fragile.

I'm starting IC up again. Along with stress management classes. And, back on my AD. Hopefully, this will all help me through this difficult time.

Again, thank you everyone for caring to respond. I really appreciate your feedback, each and every one of you. :)

I can only take it one day at a time. I feel like I have so much responsibility.

libertyrocks posted 8/19/2014 15:39 PM

Reality Bites. LOVE that movie, btw.

This is the Co-Dep part of you that is whispering in your ear, the one that accepts this very bad treatment and disrespect as long as someone "says" they love you or need you. You are a fixer, he is a taker...thats the dynamic.

Thank you for opening my eyes and your support.

realitybites posted 8/20/2014 10:46 AM

I do know from being in your shoes as well, meaning being co-dep, is that you can hang on for so long and then we can go into these deep deep depressions, which I think you are going thru now. That is why I think its so good you are going to IC to help you with this. Its vital to keep propping yourself up and asking for help. The battles you have been fighting FOR him will drain the life from you, then you yourself hit bottom and you have to let it out once in awhile.

Its OK to mourn and be sad, just be careful or aware of not letting yourself stay there. You are doing great and have made it this far! Kudos to you!

deena posted 8/20/2014 11:02 AM

There is so much great advice in these replies.
It has helped me too as I am going thru starting to feel the thugs of his Hoover pulling at me with his "nice" sympathy talk.

I feel those pulls mothering side starts to kick in.

Then I remember what he put me thru. For me that will never go away. When my maternal instincts quiet down and my old WH is still there I will remember those things he did and I know I will get depressed for falling for his little show.

Good luck with your IC. From experience, that will help.

norabird posted 8/20/2014 12:49 PM

I know you want him back. Oh, lord, that craving and yearning is so strong and tempting! but it's an illusion-- the man you want doesn't exist. The man who does exist says these nice loving words, but then doesn't follow through on actions and will only hurt you.

It sucks but stay strong and keep moving. Put all your energy on healing you.

libertyrocks posted 8/21/2014 10:12 AM

Thing is he's been in a chemical dependency program for 12 solid weeks, no drinking, weekly IC, even couple's meetings by himself. He tells me he's sorry, he's crying, he's remorseful. He's FINALLY committed to healing himself. But, it's kind of too late for that, now. I mean for me to accept him back. I look at him and think how he broke my heart. It's pretty tragic.

Three months of sobriety is great, but I told him I'd like to see him sober for at least a year, maybe two if I even considered accepting him back. And, that's if he keeps up his IC. Lord knows, I have my therapy journey ahead of me.

So, we stay seperated, with the intention of becoming the best people we both can be and maybe meet up in the future again...that's the plan.

We'll see, who knows, what if we don't even like each other by then! haha

[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:24 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]

tushnurse posted 8/21/2014 11:16 AM

We'll see, who knows, what if we don't even like each other by then! haha

This is true. If you do the work to heal you, and make you strong, and smart, and happy alone, and he does the work then the likelihood that you two would find each other attractive again is small to none in my book. Your attraction to each other was based and fed off of your sick and dysfunctional bits. When you heal that stuff it changes who you are. When you stop enabling the behaviors that cause the pain, then you can see it for what it is.

You are strong, smart and capable, and it hurts like hell to watch this man destroy himself, but you cannot save him. That is up to him and him alone. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth.

Quit engaging with him, quit with the contact. Let his actions repeatedly show you he is fixed, and in the meantime fix yourself. Then the rest will fall into place. .

((((and strength))))

libertyrocks posted 8/21/2014 11:51 AM

I concure, Tushnurse. We aren't going to want the messed up qualities in each other once we are both stronger and healthier.

His mom said it best, we're no good for each other.

I know it's over, still I cling. 13 years with someone is a big chunk of life.

As always, thanks for your support, dear.

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