But, on the other hand, tells me I need to work out my issues. His therapist tells him not to talk to me. When I ask him to do things. He doesn't, then I get upset. It's an ongoing horrible cycle. I ask, and ask, he promises, then doesn't follow through. I get upset and disappointed. He thinks I treat him bad when I call him out on what he didn't do. Like take our son to get his vaccines, pay some of the bills - which he never has. He's basically not a grown up.
He's really good at making me think it was my fault, I didn't treat him well. All I ever wanted was for him to take some of the real life responsibilites, and he never has. Till this very day. He's a recovering alcoholic, I know he has foo issues, too, but insists I'm the one who needs help. Even though, I do everything for the kids...
I'm so depressed. I hope he doesn't do anything bad, like drink again. I'm so sad, I cannot contain myself from crying right now.
I know I don't want to go back to that old life. The old life of obessing over catching him drinking, of his cheating, his lying, the domestic violence, the controlling ways he kept me isolated, the cynical ways he'd put me down, etc. But, I feel so bad for him. I wish he wasn't so broken...
He says he still loves me and is in love with me. I'm such a mess right now...
I tried OLD and all those guys want is a piece. It's disgusting and I want no part of it. I know I need time to heal and I shouldn't date right now.
I just so want my husband back right now.
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 12:54 PM, August 18th (Monday)]
He is very broken. All the wishing and hoping in the world isn't going to change that. Only he can and it doesn't seem like he's doing much to change it.
Please tell me that you are in IC and that you are learning about co-dependency. I know you want so badly to have what you love and what is comfortable in your life, but you unfortunately can't fix him. All of his problems were caused by his choices. His choices.
You do not have to go back to that life. If you step away and really see this man - not the man you hope him to be but the man he is - an alcoholic, an abuser, a blameshifter, and irresponsible parent - is this the man that you want? You know how your life is going to be with him in it forever. You honestly have no idea what can happen once you are free.
And yes, dating right now and in this stage is just not going to work. OLD right now is giving you a very false sense of what else is out there once you're ready. It's been almost 4 years for me and I haven't dated. People constantly ask me why and I sometimes ask myself why. I don't think I'm ready and you know what? That's okay. I've learned how to like being alone. It's no longer scary or uncomfortable. The rest of my life is very full with my kids and my job and my family and my friends. I get lonely sometimes, but then I pull myself back and think that I'm lucky. I'm lucky to be away from someone who had so little regard for me and our family. I'm lucky to have gotten a chance to rebuild even though it's very hard and still makes me sad sometimes. I'm still much luckier than I would have been had he stuck around.
Don't feel bad for him. He doesn't deserve that - he almost destroyed you and you're feeling bad for him? That's the issue that you need to explore. You need to be able to separate yourself to the point where you can feel bad for him, but not have it impact your decision to get him out of your life.
If you don't know the serenity prayer, learn it. Find a therapy group (I love my S-Anon group) that is a great fix and fit for you. Many of my group friends attend multiple meetings weekly. Read and read and read. Post and post and post. IC and IC and IC. Pamper and pamper and pamper. Exercise and exercise and exercise.
Don't worry about other guys. The additional drama is not therapeutic. It's all about YOU now. It has to be. You have so much intrinsic value. You have a wonderful soul and you need to be re-introduced to her. You'd like her! Remember, you come first. FIRST!!!
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 1:17 PM, August 18th (Monday)]
If this f'n guy has TRULY hit rock-bottom, then he wouldn't be handing YOU a checklist of what YOU need to work on. The *truth* of his rock-bottom is:
HE HAS NO PLACE TO GO!!!!
Honestly, I don't think you're feeling bad for him so much as feeling bad for yourself (and I don't mean that in a "stop your pity-party" way). I mean it as *you* know that you guys could have a good life is he wasn't so fucked up. But he is.
Having compassion is a good thing....until you run into a person who uses your compassionate nature against you.
The only people that I can feel *active compassion* for are the ones who are actively working on themselves in an effort to make themselves better.
I will offer a hand to someone in need, but if that person is not making MORE of an effort to *right* his/her situation than I am? Gonna's *out*. Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day; teach a man to fish and he'll be full for a lifetime.
Instead of spending time looking for dates on OLD, go to websites that will educate and strengthen you. Al-anon. Baggage reclaim. Psychopathy awareness. Outtathefog. Or ANY domestic violence websites you can find. (he may not be a psychopath or have a personality disorder, but he is abusive and there are parallels. There are resources on those sites that offer guidance on detachment and resisting his *lures*.
I hope he doesn't do anything bad, like drink again
I know I don't want to go back to that old life
He says he still loves me and is in love with me.
It's hard, Lib, really hard to pull away from this type of dysfunction. But if you don't, you are only enabling him and you are destroying yourself. Be fair to YOU. Be good to YOU.
YOU are the one person in the world that you KNOW you can count on.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
So now you have two choices:
Stay and hope for the best which is actually just more of the same
Move on, be in charge of your future and your children's future.
I know that moving on is scarey, it is human nature to fear change, to fear the unknown. But the fact is you and your children deserve so much more out of life. Don't worry about the dating thing right now, take the time to heal and learn. If you take that time, I promise you will have more experience at identifying red flags in any possible future relationship.
When he says he loves you, realize what you have been living is not love, love does not hurt! He is saying this for one or two reasons. He knows what he has done is horrible and wrong, he can ease his conscience or project the image of the nice guy by saying this. You also make a great plan B when the fantasy isn't going so well.
But, I feel so bad for him. I wish he wasn't so broken...
I totally get this, I feel very similar about the xww as she is the mother of my children. I have been able to refine that feeling a bit and it makes more sense to me, and is a little safer emotionally. Now when I think that, I think of it as "I don't feel sorry for xww, but I do feel sad for her."
The xww has all the FOO issues in the world and that is sad, but it doesn't justify her actions. The xww made her choices, and they were informed choices, so I don't feel sorry for her. I also know that she is chasing some kind of fantasy that will never come true. The xww will never know or feel the true happiness that we all deserve, and for that I am truly sad for her.
Be good to yourself, peace to you and your kids!
4 kids all adults.
Married 22+ years.
I have moved on and life is good!
I say not only would you be doing yourself a HUGE disservice by letting him back in your life but you will be not allowing him to grow and learn on his own if he is allowed to come back home, because he will once again live off of all of YOUR hard work and not have done anything to have earned it.
He very likely IS hitting rock bottom and if he does you can't be there to "save" him. He is looking to you to be there to do the hard work and you can't do that for him any more. I agree with others, have you found a support group for spouses of alcoholics? Do you have an IC for yourself? Please find a way to help you and only you thru the next phase of getting your life back.
I'm starting IC up again. Along with stress management classes. And, back on my AD. Hopefully, this will all help me through this difficult time.
Again, thank you everyone for caring to respond. I really appreciate your feedback, each and every one of you. :)
I can only take it one day at a time. I feel like I have so much responsibility.
This is the Co-Dep part of you that is whispering in your ear, the one that accepts this very bad treatment and disrespect as long as someone "says" they love you or need you. You are a fixer, he is a taker...thats the dynamic.
Thank you for opening my eyes and your support.
Its OK to mourn and be sad, just be careful or aware of not letting yourself stay there. You are doing great and have made it this far! Kudos to you!
I feel those pulls hard......my mothering side starts to kick in.
Then I remember what he put me thru. For me that will never go away. When my maternal instincts quiet down and my old WH is still there I will remember those things he did and I know I will get depressed for falling for his little show.
Good luck with your IC. From experience, that will help.
It sucks but stay strong and keep moving. Put all your energy on healing you.
Three months of sobriety is great, but I told him I'd like to see him sober for at least a year, maybe two if I even considered accepting him back. And, that's if he keeps up his IC. Lord knows, I have my therapy journey ahead of me.
So, we stay seperated, with the intention of becoming the best people we both can be and maybe meet up in the future again...that's the plan.
We'll see, who knows, what if we don't even like each other by then! haha
[This message edited by libertyrocks at 10:24 AM, August 21st (Thursday)]
This is true. If you do the work to heal you, and make you strong, and smart, and happy alone, and he does the work then the likelihood that you two would find each other attractive again is small to none in my book. Your attraction to each other was based and fed off of your sick and dysfunctional bits. When you heal that stuff it changes who you are. When you stop enabling the behaviors that cause the pain, then you can see it for what it is.
You are strong, smart and capable, and it hurts like hell to watch this man destroy himself, but you cannot save him. That is up to him and him alone. Regardless of what comes out of his mouth.
Quit engaging with him, quit with the contact. Let his actions repeatedly show you he is fixed, and in the meantime fix yourself. Then the rest will fall into place. .
His mom said it best, we're no good for each other.
I know it's over, still I cling. 13 years with someone is a big chunk of life.
As always, thanks for your support, dear.