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The job or my marriage

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tangledknot posted 8/18/2014 13:53 PM

The fall out from my affair just keeps getting worse and worse. We did not have a great weekend. We had some good moments and some truly horrible moments. This morning, when I got to work, I had a message from my boss asking me to take the lead on a project that would have me working directly with my AP. I forwarded the messaged to my BH. Obviously, this causes major problems.

I am afraid to jeopardize my job. What if my marriage doesn't improve? If I have no job, or I have a lesser job, how can I support myself and my daughter if BH and I can't work things out? I went ahead and requested an appt. with my boss to discuss the project. I am going to tell her that I cannot work on this project and I will tell her why. I might get fired - I don't know. It's not going to be good.

healingjourney posted 8/18/2014 13:58 PM

I am so sorry to hear that. What a tough situation to be in. How are you feeling at present about your marriage? Do you want to save it?

redsox13 posted 8/18/2014 14:00 PM

Sorry - didn't see the stop sign. My apologies.

[This message edited by redsox13 at 2:14 PM, August 18th (Monday)]

Darkness Falls posted 8/18/2014 14:01 PM

I wish you the best in what sounds like a very difficult decision.

Many here are of the opinion that quitting a job at which the AP also works is nonnegotiable for R. That you can't worry about your livelihood in case of possible D if you're going "all in" to save your relationship. I am not of that opinion. I work at the same place as both my XBH and the AP. If I had a child to potentially support on my own I'd feel all the more strongly than I already do that a woman in a shaky marriage (even if it's shaky by her own doing) needs to be able to support herself should it come to that.

MissesJai posted 8/18/2014 14:19 PM

That you can't worry about your livelihood in case of possible D if you're going "all in" to save your relationship. I am not of that opinion.
I'm not of that opinion, either. I can't be all in if I also have to figure out how we're going to pay the bills and survive at the same time.

DrJekyll posted 8/18/2014 14:21 PM

I guess it comes down to what you want more. If you believe that you can R. then you have to resolve the job issue. I told my boss. since I work with an AP. It has been helpful and hurtful. But IMHO, it is part of taking responsibility for my actions. My actions have interfered with my work. So I confessed to my boss. not all of the details, but the gist of it.

Wayflost posted 8/18/2014 14:24 PM

Have you started looking? I have changed jobs, and am in the process of doing so again. My IC was very worried when I quit the first one for the reasons you and all above have stated.

I don't have an answer for you. But I do wish you luck. I hope the meeting goes well.

Darkness Falls posted 8/18/2014 15:35 PM

I guess it comes down to what you want more.

I disagree. I don't think it has anything to do with wants; rather, needs. If it came down to my relationship vs. my job, of course I'd want my relationship more. Not only do I love XH, but I hate my job. Easy choice. But at the end of the day, splitting from XH wouldn't affect my ability to pay my bills or have health insurance. Not so if I split from the job.

timidhope posted 8/18/2014 21:23 PM

Is there any other way to mitigate the problems? If you are lead, are you able to appoint your team members and request to have him as far removed as possible?

My BF originally wanted to bring this entire issue to my HR department. That was his gut response after my last TT. Thankfully I asked him if we could revisit this issue a day or two later (I needed time to figure out how much or little it would impact my job before I said yes to his request) and he cooled down and compromised on his original request.

tangledknot posted 8/19/2014 07:42 AM

Just an update:

I told my boss late in the day yesterday. My humiliation is now complete. I don't think I will be able to stay in this job more than another month or two. I don't know what I am going to do.

BH had written a draft that he was going to send my boss. I preferred to tell her myself in person what I had done.

Anyway, I appreciate your responses.

DrJekyll posted 8/19/2014 07:58 AM

What I am seeing here, is WS saying I am not willing to risk my financial security for my BS. But I want my BS to risk their emotional security on me. So as a WS you are still trying to protect you from you BS. I understand the thought of, but what if it doesn't work out. That doesn't seem very "all in" to me. So if you are still worried about covering your your own ass. spare your BS the time and effort. Go ahead and file for D. Then your ass is all you will have to worry about.


newdaytomorrow posted 8/19/2014 08:15 AM

I see what Dr. J is saying about being "all in". Then again it sounds like you are becoming more in by telling your boss. It looks like from your update you want to fix your marriage more then having the security of your job.

tangledknot posted 8/19/2014 08:17 AM

Gee, thanks for the encouragement, Dr. Jekyll. I told my boss what I have done. I am most likely going to lose my job. What more do you want? I am agonizing about all of these decisions, and I admit that my thinking and my emotions are clouded. If my main priority were protecting my ass, I would have accepted the lead on this project, not told my boss about my affair, and I would have told my BH to take a hike.

StartingFreshNow posted 8/19/2014 08:26 AM

I get what others are saying but I don't agree with them and I might be wrong, but I'm just giving my opinion.

My A was with a coworker in another state. We met traveling at conferences. I no longer work in that dept however a job came open back in that dept for higher pay. My marriage is majorly on the rocks because of my A and I have 2 young kids. I chose to take the higher paying job in case of D. I have to be able to support my kids. However, I also can ensure I have no contact with AP - which is not the case for you from what I can tell. I can easily turn down any and all travel requested of me with the reason of "it doesn't work for my family". Yes, I took the job even though it makes my BH uncomfortable. Yes, I put my financial security above my BH if you want to see it that way. However, it's for my kids. If I end up divorced I have to have that income and jobs paying that high are so few and far between I basically had one shot.

Perhaps I'm minimizing what I'm doing, but it's a choice I made and my BH and I are moving forward the best we can. As I said, I'm ensuring I still have absolutely NC with AP so it's different than your situation, but good luck to you!

DrJekyll posted 8/19/2014 08:37 AM

What more do you want?

This has nothing to do with what I want. This has everything to do with your BS. What does your BS want?

floridaredman posted 8/19/2014 08:40 AM

I don't think Dr. Jekyll's post was not aimed at you but at those who would rather choose their job over a spouse that they have hurt WITH THAT SAME JOB. You are not all in if you can't make that decision with your BS having the advantage. You did make a decision that was considerate of your spouse tangleknot.

If you do choose your job over your BS, what message are you sending your BS?

Are you telling them that you can sacrifice your marriage to be around the AP?

If so, you already did that by betrayal

Or can you sacrifice your job for the marriage..the answer to that question lets you know what is more important to you.

[This message edited by floridaredman at 9:36 AM, August 19th (Tuesday)]

tangledknot posted 8/19/2014 08:41 AM


While I must consider my BH's wants and needs, and I am certainly doing that, I absolutely have to determine what I want. This is my life, not BH's. We don't share a soul. I am not going to live for my BH.

I believe that what is best for me, and it might be hard and it might suck at first, is ultimately what is best for my family. I do not believe that choosing my "career" or my AP is what is best for me.

DrJekyll posted 8/19/2014 08:54 AM

exactly floridaredman

I don't think Dr. Jekyll's post was aimed at you but at those who would rather choose their job over a spouse that they have hurt WITH THAT SAME JOB

If you do choose your job over your BS, what message are you sending your BS?

Are you telling them that you can sacrifice your marriage to be around the AP?

And you all ready sacrificed your job for your AP the minute you crossed that line. look at your other post. You told your boss and think you will likely lose you job for it. So you sacrificed your job the minute you engaged in the A. But now you have come to reason about that and do not want to sacrifice your job for your BS. Mark one for the AP.

tangledknot posted 8/19/2014 09:09 AM

It's delayed consequences, Dr. Jekyll. It's painful, alright? Everything is crashing down on me at once. I had to decide yesterday if I I wanted to save my marriage or save my job. I haven't been thrilled with either. Do I take a leap of faith in my BH to stick with me, to financially support me while I get my shit together? He has threatened separation and divorce several times. Why should I trust him? My affair was absolutely wrong, but the decisions I am grappling with right now are not as chrystal clear to me. It's excruciating.

I don't see how my AP is winning.

timidhope posted 8/19/2014 09:18 AM


DrJekyll's comment is similar to my SO's... that we've already jeopardized our jobs when we decided to have an A with a coworker.

Now that you've already told your boss, at least that's one thing out of the way. It's really difficult when a personal issue (that not many wants to empathize with) gets in the way of work. If you feel there's a countdown at work, is there anything you can do to feel like you're still taking care of your career?

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