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Fearing Death...and then not so much

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knightsbff posted 8/18/2014 14:17 PM

My mom got out of the hospital Saturday. She's living with me for a while to recover. My siblings and I threw a fit at her going home with her NPD/sociopath/crazy user husband because she waits on him and all the trash he drags in hand and foot. She needs to heal and rest. So I'm waiting on her hand and foot right now and I like it. I love my mom, and she has done so much for so many over the years that it's good to be able to pamper her and take care of her for a bit. The last time I was able to care for her a bit was in 2010 when we went through her treatment for breast CA. We actually enjoyed the extra time we were able to spend together traveling to her appointments and staying in hotels frequently. She handled it like a champ too. I don't think I would be as brave as she has.

Anyway NIK's post about the loss of her parents got me thinking again. With the massive DVT last week the possibility of losing my mom became too real. She's 71, and she's pretty active although she has slowed down quite a bit this week. When the thoughts come that one day my parents will die I almost can't stand it. I push it from my mind immediately because I get the feeling I can't breathe. Is this normal?

Shortly before and then for at least a year after d-day I had a very strong and persistent fear of my own death. I was kind of perseverating on it. I had suicidal thoughts a few times too. But I was truly afraid to die. I feared driving, walking along a roadway, flying, even medications. I think it was because I had done something so incredibly evil I was certain I'd be dragged straight to hell. Until writing this post I didn't realize the fear had gone. I guess I'm feeling better about myself. I still feel I have a ton to improve about myself but I'm feeling more comfortable knowing that I'm trying every day to be a better person and show love to my BH, family, and others by my actions.

Sorry for the ramble...

Pentup posted 8/18/2014 16:14 PM

((((Knightsbff))))
I don't want to die, but I'm not afraid to die. I do not want to suffer. I've lost my Mom. The idea of something happening to my Dad makes me cry just thinking it. Several of my grandparents lived to be quite old, yet my parents told me that it still hurt more than they expected because it is so final and you realize that you are orphaned.

I guess I am trying to say it is scary and sad at any age. Enjoy the time with your Mom. When that day comes,you will be able to handle it and you will miss her, but you will also remember the good times. And to me, that legacy becomes ever more important. That is what I focus on now as I live my life. What so I want to remember 20 years from now? What do I want others to remember about me? It changes some of my day to day decisions.

Sorry for the ramble, but I think I get where you are coming from. Hugs

Crushed1 posted 8/18/2014 22:58 PM

(((knightsbff)))

Kajem posted 8/19/2014 03:21 AM

((((((knightsbff))))))))

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/19/2014 06:31 AM

I live in Bills country - Our quarterback of the century is battling cancer. His whole family has been so uplifting - I'm sharing this GREAT read - written by his daughter.

http://www.jillk.org/journal/2014/08/10/im-not-afraid-to-die/

{{{{{{{}}}}}}}

tushnurse posted 8/19/2014 07:31 AM

((((Knights))))

Lucky - I love Jim too. That Bills team and that era was the best.

norabird posted 8/19/2014 09:48 AM

(((knightsbff))))

nowiknow23 posted 8/19/2014 21:48 PM

When the thoughts come that one day my parents will die I almost can't stand it. I push it from my mind immediately because I get the feeling I can't breathe. Is this normal?
I don't know if it's normal, but I know I had the same reaction when everything started to go downhill with my mom last year, honey. Couldn't breathe.

So glad your mom is recovering in your care, and that the two of you are getting more time together. What a blessing for you both. (((((kingtsbff)))))

Deeply Scared posted 8/19/2014 22:17 PM

(((Knightsbff)))

I really understand...not too long ago I was feeling like my life was without purpose. Because we don't have children I felt like nothing I do or have done was going to leave an impact or footprint.

I was quickly reminded that every living person makes a difference in the world. Every single one of us.

I'm not afraid of dying...I'm afraid of what will lead up to my death...like who will take care of me in my old age if MH is already gone? I don't want to be a crazy lady eating cat food and not know the difference. How utterly horrible to be remembered that way

Thank God MH's sister and Tonya have vowed that will never happen...provided I Will them all my jewelry

I'm glad your mom is improving...cherish your time with her and build loving memories together. I can be scary and un-nerving but hold on to her now

knightsbff posted 8/19/2014 23:14 PM

Thank you all so much. You guys have once again made me cry.

Pentup, you're right, everything you said. It will be ok. I need to live my life today, enjoy the moments with my parents and family.

L2HM, that WAS a wonderful article. I think that's why I was so afraid of death during that dark dark period of my life; I had strayed so far from the peace that comes with faith.

((((Nik)))) you amaze me. Still reaching out and supporting others while dealing with your own grief. It's people like you setting the example for the rest of us that make this the place we come when our hearts are heavy...or we just need help picking out shoes.

Thank you all for the hugs too, they help.

DS, you have made a huge difference in the world! Forget about all the members here and just think for a moment about their kids. How many children's lives do you think were positively impacted because one or both parent received help and support here? That is huge. Nobel Peace Price kind of huge in my thinking. And I would be willing to bet there are plenty of people who love you enough to care for you and pamper you in your old age. If I weren't so old I would happily do it.

NaiveAgain posted 8/20/2014 07:00 AM

When the thoughts come that one day my parents will die I almost can't stand it. I push it from my mind immediately because I get the feeling I can't breathe. Is this normal
I get that way also, I can't even think about it. It doesn't help that she has been telling me for the past ten years that she isn't going to last much longer!

I really understand...not too long ago I was feeling like my life was without purpose. Because we don't have children I felt like nothing I do or have done was going to leave an impact or footprint.
DS, thank you for sharing that! I've been feeling that way the past year and it is causing me some depression. Even though I have kids, I feel that now they are grown, they have their own lives and wouldn't miss me all that much.....It is nice to know that I'm not alone with that feeling and that it will hopefully pass!

(BTW, ditto what kbff said about everything you have done with your hard work keeping this site going for the thousands and thousands (probably millions at this point, with those that read and are helped but will never post) You have made a positive impact in so many lives.

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 7:01 AM, August 20th (Wednesday)]

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